Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Invalid Item" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
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Item Reviewed: "Invalid Item" 
Entry Reviewed: "Invalid Entry" 
Author WordsRmyLife
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
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As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I see you are also new to WDC, so I'd like to add my welcome to the site. This is a great place to learn and grow as an author. I hope you find your time here as productive, both professionally and personally, as I have.

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Plot
We meet Geneva Emory, a psychic and daughter of a now-deceased general in the US Army. A ghost named Gwen has badgered Geneva to save her little boy, Jason. When Jason didn't answer his door, Geneva broke into his home, and now he's holding her at gunpoint. It seems that Jason's all grown up and he's a drug-addled psychopath. Lucky for Geneva, he also served with her father in Afghanistan, so she's able to deliver Gwen's healing message.

Later, in her Fifth Avenue apartment, Geneva luxuriates in her tub when an burly man attacks her. He knows her name and nearly drowns her before flinging her from her tub to the cold floor. She vomits bathwater and tries to cover herself, but she's overcome by the attack and faints.


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Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Geneva's head. You did an absolutely fantastic job of establishing Geneva's voice. I loved the many clever metaphors and similes that gave insight into her personality. Great job with this!

I did see a few minor POV slips, noted in the line-by-line remarks below. These are nothing major--just included for completeness.

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Referencing
Modern era, from the reference to Afghanistan. All consistent so far.

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Scene/Setting
I liked this, too. Certainly sufficient for staging, and the little details like the Spiderman sheets added a nice irony to the setting.

I was a little confused about positioning of Geneva and her attacker in the last scene, in the bathroom. It might just be me, but you might re-read and see if a bit more clarity on where the attacker was located and how he was restraining her is called for. Remember, if it's possible for readers to be confused, they will be.

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Characters
Geneva is certainly the big appeal of this chapter. She's got a terrific, self-effacing sense of humor even when she's in danger. I liked her, and I'm sure your readers will, too. You've also--kind of--established her bona fides as a heroine, since she's on a mission of mercy, namely saving Jason. That's pretty close to the screenwriter's technique called "saving the cat:" have your protagonist do something nice in the first chapter--"saving the cat"--to enlist the readers to support her.

I enjoyed the dialogue between Geneva and Jason, too. Even with the humor, it felt realistic.

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Grammar
Comma Splices.
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

Commas.
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_comma.html
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

Most of your adverbs are more like clutter. You'll have a great passage that shows Geneva being scared, for example, but then you'll weaken with an adverb which tells the reader the same thing. I counted 60+ adverbs in this chapter, and I bet if you cut that number by half--or more!--you'll find that it reads more smoothly.

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Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I think this chapter is a great start to your novel. You established the fundamentals of your character's personality and her talent. You ended with a hook to put her in danger. However, I thought that the two segments felt disconnected. I wonder if it might read better as one long scene, with the final attacker grabbing her as she skulked out of Jason's home? That would keep the action running as one continuous flow of events without the break. Each break runs the risk of pulling the reader out of the story.

I really enjoyed this quite a lot. You write really well, and did a fantastic job portraying Geneva. There are a few minor tweaks, noted above and in the line-by-line comments below, but this is a fine piece of work and shows considerable talent. Thanks for sharing!!!

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Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
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“One more step and your dead, bitch.”

This had to be Geneva Emory’s worst idea, ever. She needed to get out of there quick. She wanted to run, desperately wanted to, but her feet were frozen, immoveable as if encased in concrete. Get a grip, Girl. Don’t lose it now. She never should have left the safety of her Manhattan penthouse. Tempted to click her heels three times and pray for the next tornado ride home. Fear kept her rooted, barely able to breathe. My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. They are your first and best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

This opening certainly starts in media res, and you give the reader an excellent sense of Geneva's personality. You also name your point-of-view character, which helps the readers identify with her. However, I have some suggestions to tweak it.

First, almost every agent and editor will advise against starting a scene with a disembodied voice speaking. Orient your readers first, in space and time. If possible, put them in Geneva's point of view by having her do something or react in some visceral way to her environment. From the very start, you want your readers experiencing this story through Geneva--you want them INSIDE her head and hence inside your fictional world. Starting with a disembodied voice puts them outside the story, looking in, the opposite of where you want them.

Thus, I'd consider rearranging your opening paragraphs a bit. You might start, for example, with Geneva staring at the gun barrel.

Finally, she knows the name of the man holding the gun. There's no real reason to withhold it, so why not name him now?

It’ll be okay, everything will be okay, she repeated like a mantra in her mind.My Comment: I believe the editorial standard is to use italics only to denote internal thoughts. Unlike spoken dialogue, "thought tags" are not generally used.

Long lashes fanned her baby blues as she forced her view away from the weapon and up to the man.My Comment: This is a small point of view violation since she can see neither her eye color nor her lashes. It also seems unlikely she'd be aware of either in this situation.

Her word had been given; a solemn promise made. My Comment: Passive voice, which puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Especially now, in the middle of tense action, you want them to be your active partners in imagining this scene. For this reason, active verb forms are usually better.

she never would've ripped the screen and climb through his windowMy Comment: typo: climbed

Even if she managed to survive this nightmare she was in no condition or mood to party. My Comment: I think you need a comma after "nightmare."

Hour after hour of stories: infant Jason cutting his first tooth on Gwen’s breast while she nursed him.My Comment: You've done a good job sneaking this paragraph in, but it's still an info-dump, which stops the story cold. Do the readers really need to know this background about Jason right now? Would Geneva really be thinking this? I'd concentrate on keeping the readers working the scene instead of telling background.

“No.” He grinned. “Three minutes.”My Comment: That was a fast minute...

She felt… vulnerable. She did not care for this novel feeling. My Comment: You've dropped into telling the reader things here...Is there a way you can show her feeling vulnerable? Maybe she follows his gaze to her bosom and tries to close her blouse?

In one long stride, he stood directly in front of her, capturing her arm in a shockingly strong grip, yanking her off balance at the same time he spun her around until her back was up against him, his bony body touching hers. My Comment: comma splice

He brought the gun under her chin, its cold metal shocking her skin like a cow prod, pulling back the trigger with a deafening click. My Comment: terrific descriptions here!!!

Geneva didn’t realize she held her breath, anxiously waiting for his answer.My Comment: Since she "didn't realize it, this is a POV violation. Also, since she IS holding her breath, that shows that she's anxious. The adverb is just clutter that slows the pace.

She tried her best to ignore his statement or think too long on its implication.My Comment: I think you mean "NOT think too long..."

He asked gently, using a nonjudgmental tone, encouraging her to carry on with her tale. My Comment: Another adverb. I agree that "asked" is pretty tepid, but the way to pep it up isn't with an adverb. What happens to his voice and manner that lets Geneva infer his tone is gentle? You've got lots of clever metaphors and similes--I'd use one here, too.

“Gwen told me you believe it’s your fault she died. My Comment: typo: should be "it's."

Tears rolled silently down his cheeks.My Comment: Another bit of adverb clutter...

She could have gone right then, instead, she listened to his heavy footsteps as he made his way to his mother’s office. My Comment: when you say "she listened," you're filtering the sensory information though Geneva's head. It's usually more immediate and intimate for your readers if you describe directly what she heard. Since you're in her POV, readers will infer she heard the steps. Indeed, that little step of inference helps to draw them into the story. If you want to emphasize she heard it, have her react in some way.

Spinning on her heels, Geneva silently padded from the bedroom,My Comment: she can't "noisily pad," right? So "silently adds nothing and is telling.

Panicked, she floundered in the water, splashing and kicking wildly as waves of water sloshed to the marble floor.My Comment: "water" used twice in this sentence. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. For this reason, more varied word choice is often better.

His voice was a deep baritone, silky rich, and scared her shitless. My Comment: Beware of sentences or clauses where the main verb is a form of "to be." Here, "scared" is a good verb, but in the first clause you've got "was" doing all the work. You might try something like, "His voice, a deep, silky baritone, sent prickles of adrenalin skittering down her spine." Or something. That has the voice acting on her, and the action shows--rather than tells--that she's frightened.

she wretched all of the liquid within.My Comment: Typo: retched.


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I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay   on short stories.