Reviews are limited by at least two things: The reviewer's knowledge/background and the author's temperament. Sometimes the reviewer's understanding and interpretation of a piece misses the mark. When the author believes this is the case, he can become hurt or angered. Please don't be. This review is neither a condemnation of your work, nor an extolment. It's just my opinion, nothing more.



So Andrew was bought to be a slave? I’m just making sure I get it. And Tony bought him, and has forced Andrew to be his slave, or, if he refused, he’d turn him over to Jon who abuses boys. Okay, but what is going on? What does Tony want Andrew to do? He asks him at the beginning, I want you to help me. So help him do what? You never address the main issue of the story.

The story seems to have been written hastily. The issues that arise from that haste make the story more difficult to understand than it needs to be. If you add more detail, that would help reader’s better understand just what is going on.

It does have an odd feel to this story, so if that was your aim, it worked. There is an eerie feel to it, as I wasn’t quite sure what I was walking into, whether a tale of espionage or a graphic tale of sex slavery. The latter I had very little interest of encountering.

It would help if you could remember that your reader doesn’t know as much about your story as you do, so that when you mention a person like Jon, we are at a distinct disadvantage for we have no idea who he is, d since you never do tell us, it left the reader a little lost. Some backstory would have helped to, so we know the why, who and how of it. Who are these people, where are they and why are they doing what they are doing? I don’t expect to be told it all at once, but the reader needs to know enough to make sense of the story.

There are some grammatical issues:

His sore wrists were tightly bound his back.

Do you mean, “behind” his back?

starved half to death than he was right.

“then.”

Or are the theroys that he rapes pretty boys like you ... just a theory?"

“theories.”

I don’t think the word you want is theory. How about, “story?” Theory would mean: A well-substantiated explanation of some aspect of the natural world or, A belief that can guide behavior(source: Word Web)

In one movement he

Who is he? Andrew? I’d make that clear here.

Tony felt a little regretful as he had bought his brother's friend like a common slave and let the boy whale on him before grabbing his wrists and pinning them together.

I’m lost here. Who is Tony’s brother? Jon? You’ve never made that connection, which you should.

Last Words:

I can certainly see the potential with the story: the drama, the tension, the queasy feeling that something just isn’t right here. The reader instinctively feels for Andrew and wonders in just what kind of people he’s involved with. We know he’s been tortured and abused, and though we don’t know by who and why, we can feel his plight.

I do think you need to answer a lot of questions in this story. Right now there are just too many, ad that hampers the clarity of the story. It could also use some editing, but nothing so dramatic that you couldn’t make the fixes within minutes. Finish the story, but hopefully you’ll address a few of my issues in your next chapter, as well as the edit for this one.