Reviews are limited by at least two things: The reviewer's knowledge/background and the author's temperament. Sometimes the reviewer's understanding and interpretation of a piece misses the mark. When the author believes this is the case, he can become hurt or angered. Please don't be. This review is neither a condemnation of your work, nor an extolment. It's just my opinion, nothing more.



It’s only a beginning and so not a lot of things are resolved here. For example, who are these two strange boys, and how will they affect Emi. Hopefully, you’ll address why her mother never answered her call. Readers don’t know if the mother just didn’t hear her, or if something more tragic is afoot.

It’s an original tale, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a story about two boys fighting within the glow of lightning. I do think you maybe should have explained that it was hard to see what was taking place, for at first she could barely see what ws in those bolts of light and then suddenly he seemed to see everything in great detail, so I think some explanation for that is needed.

At one point you wrote:

The air seemed thick like the entire world was on edge.

I’m not sure of the effectiveness of that simile. I’m not sure what reader would understand how the thickness of the air makes it seem like the entire world is on edge. The idea of a simile is to draw a comparison so readers can grasp a more complex idea. This just adds to the confusion of that idea. I would stick to concepts that both you and the reader have a good grasp of, not those which are sort of abstract like, “the entire world being on edge.” Say, “The night chill had an eerie feel,” for example.

Later you wrote:

Just as she was beginning to get sleepy she heard a loud bang come from outside. It was so loud she jumped straight up from her bed.

I’d avoid using the same word in close proximity. In this case, it is the word, “loud.” You could fix that by writing, Just as she was beginning to get sleepy, a banging noise came from outside.

Still later you wrote:

The electricity in the air made Emi almost too afraid to try and move.

What electricity? It’s the first you’ve mentioned it. You said it sounded “like” thunder, not that it was. Now you are seemingly saying it “was” thunder.

There was one small tense issue:

Outside there was only darkness less the light from the crescent moon that hang silently in the sky.

I think you want, “hung,” since the story is in past tense.

There was one part that seemed unlikely:

She sighed telling herself it was nothing

She heard two loud crashes, and she this quickly assumes it is nothing? I doubt she’d dismiss it that easily.

Here I think you used the wrong with by accident:

but as she turned to lay in bed again her eye cause another light in the sky.

Instead of, “cause,” did you mean, “caught”?

One other minor issue here:

Without thinking Emi opened he window and climbed out barefoot

I assume you meant, “T”he window…

Last words:
As the story left off, Emi was climbing through the window heading toward the two boys fighting inside the lightning bolt. Whatever it is she is trying to do, I get the feeling it’s not a wise decision. I fear she too will get caught up into that light.

I’m not sure how plausible it is, her climbing through that window. She was exceedingly afraid at the loud noises, couldn’t even get out of bed, and now she is suddenly brave enough to climb through the window and head out toward the chaos. For that to be plausible, I think you may want to let the reader know why she was suddenly strong enough to do such a brave (and foolhardy thing.)

The storyline seems intriguing enough so far. However, it hasn’t gone far enough into the story yet for me to get a firm grasp on that. There is a little editing that needs to be done, and maybe another read, trying to tighten up the story and the storyline. The story has potential, and what will happen to Emi is anyone’s guess.