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 Review #3731407 |
 | Separated Away ~ MeMo ~  [E] A boy separated away from his sister, stolen by vampires. What happens to his childhood?  |
| (2.5)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Title: Separated Away ~ MeMo ~ Author: Imaginationkid Type: Short story  First Impression:The story certainly carries with it tragic elements, where a young boy witnesses his family’s terrible accident, is adopted by the couple that killed his family, who eventually turn him over to a vampire. Somehow, despite all this, the young man stays alive, and after surviving such hardships, arrives at some new ideology, where he turns on the world. That’s a lot for just a few lines, and those who like stories without much interference from details, descriptions, and who don’t mind the implausibility’s of this boy’s life, will like this tale. The story, for me, does suffer somewhat from a lack of backstory, foreshadowing, description and other devices that could make this a fuller tale. Mainly, just the bare minimum is here. We are told the details, but there isn’t much of it shown here. For this to meet its full potential, I think you’d certainly want to slow down the narrative, add a lead-in, characterization and detail. Editing the story will certainly help.  Suggestions: Paragraph One:Ensnared in a tangled web of treachery, lies, and deceit is Leon. Putting the subject last gives this sentence an awkward feel. How about, Leon found himself ensnared in a tangled web of treachery, lies, and deceit? A young man who once a boy who witnessed a tragic accident of his family and became an orphan. The sentence doesn't read quite right. Maybe you could try something like, Once, when he was a boy, he witnessed the tragic accident of his family, which left him an orphan. He was adopted by the family that became the cause of the accident. Again that seems a little awkward. Do you mean, He was adopted by the same people who had caused the accident that killed his own family. You might want to add more detail here, not only explaining what happened, but why they adopted the boy? Being the adopted child, “an” adopted child? The boy in him was then living in solitude. That seems an odd way of stating the situation. Maybe just mention that he lived in his head, if that's what you meant. Paragraph Two:He has been fighting off nightmares since his early childhood when once he was taken away by a troop of atrocious vampires. He had been fighting...? Also, I’d delete, “once,” it seems unnecessary. And earlier you said the people gave him to a single vampire, but now you mention a troop of them. To me, that seems inconsistent, but perhaps you could add an explanation if you meant it like that. Separated away from his foster sister he thought his own, Helena. I’m not sure what you are saying here. ...who he thought of as his own, maybe? The only person he relies on since a boy How about, The only person he had relied upon since he was a boy. Paragraph Three:Since a boy he experienced many obstacles Since he was a boy...? a new boy in him was born to life. That sounds a bit confusing to me. A new boy was born inside of him? I might try to say this in another way. Heartless as he becomes as a boy. This sentence isn't complete. Perhaps combine it with the next one? And I think you probably need “became” instead of “becomes.” He made a prodigious decision that changed his life forever since childhood. I’d just remove, “since childhood,” it makes it confusing when the change actually happened. Paragraph Four:Somewhere deep inside this monstrous outlook appearance, a heart still beats, I’d pick one, outlook or appearance, and get rid of the other. Personally, I think “appearance” fits better so I'd get rid of “outlook.”  Final Thoughts:The writing has an odd feel to it. It is a little stilted. You tend to put the subject after the object in a lot of your lines and this makes the story seem slightly awkward. I'm guessing you were aiming for a classical feel, but for me, it didn't work. The story does need some editing, as well as what I mentioned above. Expanding this piece, and adding more story, dialogue, description and any other literary devices will only help that this a stronger story. The tale has some interesting elements, and a moral about perseverance at the end. The boy is an indomitable character, who despite all the turmoil comes out of it with a newfound theory, and though I feel that theory will lead him to harm, we’ll see if you continue this piece. I certainly see potential, but right now there is work to be done. But it’s just work, and all writers must do that. ** Image ID #1833995 Unavailable **
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