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randyvincent4
I will now move on to chapter four of "Simply Positive Forum" . I have found that the story has some great appeal, if you ignore the editing needed. I am viewing this as a first rough draft that needs some polishing. Sure, I could give you three, four or even five stars for this, but I would be cheating you and not doing you any favors. To be honest, as is, this is once again, a two and a half star piece. That means, that it is just below average. The story premise is strong, and I can see the emotions running rampant in this love story, but the delivery is very harsh and rudimentary.

Before I get into the step by step breakdown, as far as I will take it since I am not going to act as editor for the story, I want to talk about something that is truly standing out for the story. That would be the reactions of Harrison. Harrison is like a kid at Christmas. He is anxious and excited. This is evident with him looking out the window, awaiting Katrina's arrival. The make out session in the driveway delivers the message, that he is acting like a teenager and doesn't care. He is new to the dating scene, and these are the things he missed out during youth. He is making up for it now, and enjoying every minute of it. I think it would have added to the story if, during getting ready for the day, he were to start daydreaming or reminiscing about the night before or the day ahead, and accidentally nick himself shaving.

Secondly, I do want to mention that there seems to be a character that is so wrapped up in the moment, that she has forgotten the urgency of her predicament. She is attending a wedding, and has to be there this weekend, yet, this being day 2, she doesn't even question the status of the car repairs. She simply takes off for the day with Harrison, not a cloud in the sky, nor a care in the world. Though one can get caught up in the moment, this seems to be very irresponsible and something that is unlikely to happen. Some mention or question would be made about the car.
Chapter 4
"Invalid Item" 


One thing you must ask yourself as the author of the story, is what point of view, or perspective, am I going to write in. Will this be written as after thought in the past, or in the present. Which point of view, or voice do I want to go with, or shall it be both? There are creative ways to go about this.

Now I did mention some work needed done on the story, and I mean right from the get go. Beginning with line one, here is what I have to say:

I had awoke with the sunset peaking it way through my window and it’s bright colors lighting up my bedroom and I awoke happy with the results of last night.
Waking up with the sunrise, beautiful bright colors lit up my room. Thinking back on the results of last night, I couldn't help but to smile. I was happy.
Notice the difference between the two sentences. First, had disappears. Secondly, unless you have slept the day through, the sun rises in the morning, and sets in the evening, although, both give off great artistic lighting of the skyline.

I was eager to get to work, finish my job and see Katrina I had sent a good morning text to her at about five, realizing that the moment was here, and couldn’t wait for what would happen next.
I was eager to get to work. I needed to finish Katrina's car, and I couldn't wait to see her. I sent her a text a few hours ago. Right before that is when it hit me, love had finally found me, and I couldn't wait to know what would happen next.
Too much information is trying to come through in one run-on sentence. Break it down and sort out the thoughts. Write them, then read them, and then read them aloud. Did you pause for breath? Did you change thought? Keep this in mind with each new sentence.

I did my usual morning routine, have a good hearty breakfast, walk my dog, Tuffy, and since I lent my car to Katrina she had agreed to pick me up for work that morning.
Already I completed my usual morning routine. Breakfast was finished, and Tuffy, my loyal companion, had been walked and fed. Now I simply was waiting for Katrina to pull up in my car. She drove it back to the hotel, and was going to pick me up and take me to work.
Again, the run-on sentence. Yes, notice there is one hadusages, to show something in past tense.

I was peeking through the curtains of my home, in anticipation of her driving down that long driveway and that’s when it had occurred that it was only day two and I couldn’t wait to see her, I couldn’t hold still, the joy I was beginning to feel just the sight of her was absolutely pure and in good intentions.
My excitement, at seeing Katrina again, was showing. I was peeking through the curtains, anxiously waiting to see her drive down the long driveway. It came to me then, that this was only day two, and already I felt giddy at the thought of seeing her. I could hardly control my actions as once again I parted the curtain to see if she was here.
Show the reader actions instead of telling them. By pacing, and repeatedly looking out the window, the reader can feel the excitement build.


Overall, I do like the direction of the story, I just have to brush through some bushes and weeds in order to see the roses. I edited, or gave my input, on the first four sentences. The story continues like this throughout this chapter. I would gladly return for a re-read or re-rate upon further editing.



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .