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 Review #3729826 |
 | The Dark Horror  [13+] A girls mistake costs her, but her story is told to save others from being trapped.  |
| (2.5)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Title: The Dark Horror Author: Little Morse Type: Short story  First Impression:It is obvious that this story is not close to being complete. You spent a great deal of time explaining the young girls home, her morning, her mother’s routine, even where her sister is, most of which does nothing to progress the story. There is a famous quote in the movie, “Glengarry Glen Ross,” “Always be closing.” Meaning, every action you take should lead to the selling of their real estate. Well the same applies here. Everything you write should lead to the progression of the story towards its end. When you get caught up on minutia, those little details that lead nowhere, it just bogs the story down and bores your reader. There are exceptions of course, but we beginning writers are wise to try and stay focused on the progression of story. So far you’ve left your reader hanging. The girl has a long way to go from her comfortable home to the predicament that the reader found her in at the beginning. By taking such a detour, I worry you’ll lose your reader before you ever get to chapter two. While I found the tale of daily life to be mildly interesting from a personal point-of-view, it needs its own story, and for the most part, I’d cull it down to the necessary basics. For example, the reader does not need to know how many toilets the girl’s parents have in their home. I’d try to streamline your storyline so that it is always moving forward, not sideways.  Suggestions: Paragraph One:It was dark, cold and I had no where else to turn. I think you mean, “nowhere.” rain so I had to go in there. Where? I know you will eventually tell the reader but it just seems awkward to say “there” with the reader not knowing where “there” is and to never explain where within this entire first part. Maybe it was the wrong decision but it’s You’ve changed tenses from past to present. You were in past tense, “it was,” but now, “it’s” (it is) is present tense I’m pleading to anyone, anywhere, who ever you are “Whoever.” Paragraph Two:On Wednesday 23rd, Why is the day and date important, but not the month? For that matter, why is any of that important? I help her edit songs and sort them in to genres “into” genres. Paragraph Three:Our house has 15 rooms; there are five bedrooms, two bath rooms, two toilets, a living room, a kitchen, dining room, a music room, office and conservatory. I’m not sure you need to give every detail about the house. It just distracts your reader. I’d just say “five bedrooms and two baths.” That gives the reader an idea of the size, and doesn’t slow down the narrative. The music room however, is my favourite. It’s my favourite because the wallpaper Avoid using the same word in close proximity. In this case, “favourite.” but mum generally kick me out Do you mean, “kicked”? Paragraph Four:That day, I ate my breakfast alone. My sister, Charlene, is at her friend’s house “was” at my friend’s house. Again, the story is in past tense, not present. My Mother however, was already in the music room, reading through emails I’d just remove, “through” since it is unnecessary. Paragraph Five:She was perched on her black office chair as usual, with her paper work spread over the work tops. Being careful not to move any of her work, Again, avoid using the same word in close proximity. In this instance it is, “work.” I sat myself down on the small bean bag in the corner of the room. I’d just eliminate, “myself,” since it isn’t necessary. And I think it is, “beanbag.”  Final Thoughts:It is hard to say whether I will like the story or not because you haven’t really begun it yet. While I did enjoy the look at her life, it didn’t pertain to the story. You left the reader stranded when you shifted to an earlier time. I expected that you would return to at least set up the scene, but you never even finished the part about her day. Still, you have a quaint style that I found enjoyable and I assume when you edit this, and do get around to telling your story, that it will be entertaining. I do this it’ll need some work to reach that however, but it’s just work.   
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