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randyvincent4
You have been selected as one of the lucky authors to be spotlighted by me for a review in conjunction with "Simply Positive Review Forum "  . With chapter one ending with the introduction of a new character, I simply had to move forward in order to see what new aspects this character would have.

As it turns out, the new character plays a big part, if only as the object of desire. We actually learn a bit more about the friendship between the main mechanic and the owner of the shop. I feel this may play an integral part of the story as well.



As with the first chapter, there were many instances where the sentences were run on and had an overuse of the word HAD. The story, so far, is about the focus of obsession the owner has on this beauty. Cliches are used to describe her beauty. I would have liked to see something new and original.
My suggestion:
   Her allure was such I couldn't tear my thoughts away, yet I couldn't pinpoint one specific reason why.

A few editing notes:
~“I need you!” she said desperately[.] like there was a serial killer on her trail and she needed to skip town.
~then and their there and if they ...
~in the area[.] Otherwise[,] I wouldn’t...
~What can I help you with?” I said asked ever so politely...
~third paragraph, third sentence is one run-on sentence all in itself. It needs broken into several smaller sentences.


Overall, I feel with some more editing this could be quite the chapter. As with my first review of the previous chapter, it needs read aloud. Many of the sentences are run-on and have the wrong use of the word as in there and too, to name a few that stood out.

I do feel the story has merit, and will continue reading along to the next chapter.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .