Hi, my name is Max. I found your request for a review in "Invalid Item"
. I enjoyed reading your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
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Item Reviewed: "
Invalid Item"
Author Andrew Smith ![Author Icon](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/costumicons/ps-icon-regular-10.gif)
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️🌈 ![Author Icon](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/costumicons/ps-icon-einstein-60.gif)
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As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful
, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.
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Plot
Blake is bored with his hum-drum existence aboard a multi-generational warship. So much so, that he longs for any opportunity for escape. A chance for an extra-vehicular activity arises, and he jumps at it.
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Style and Voice
Mostly, this is written in third person limited in Blake's head, but there are some places toward the end where the point of view wobbles a bit. I've marked these in the line-by-line remarks below.
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Referencing
A multi-generation space ship, set far in the future. All consistent.
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Scene/Setting
This was sufficient for staging and, in places, added much more. The mention of the stale sweat in the EVA suit, for example, was a nice touch, along with the rust stains on the outer hull. These helped to add a sense of decay to the environment.
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Characters
Blake: bored, a bit of a rebel, eager for escape from the living death of life in the ship.
His companions serve largely as foils for his urges, ranging from his room mate Mason to the hapless Stevens. For the most part, you did a good job of revealing them through their words and deeds, although there are parts that feel a bit like the author intruding to tell the reader things. It's almost always stronger to show rather than tell. I've marked a couple of spots in the line-by-line remarks with some ideas on this.
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Grammar
Comma Splices.![Exclaim *Exclaim*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/exclaim.png)
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.
Commas.![Exclaim *Exclaim*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/exclaim.png)
I thought I saw many comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_comma.html
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!
Adverbs.![Exclaim *Exclaim*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/exclaim.png)
You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about
adverbs
The road to hell is paved with adverbs. |
. I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.
![Rolleyes *Rolleyes*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/rolleyes.png)
I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.
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Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a
guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.
This is an interesting story, with a sympathetic protagonist who's something of an anti-hero. Of course, it speaks more broadly than to just the situation Blake confronts on his ship: anyone who is stuck in a job they dislike and find pointless would sympathize with him and with his ultimate escape--drastic though it is. The plot melds well with the theme, and the characters serve as good archetypes.
I have made quite a few comments below on various ways you might consider tweaking this item; I took the time to comment in detail precisely because I liked the story and the theme. Please feel free to use whatever is useful here and discard the rest.
Thanks for sharing!!!
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Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in
BLUE.
My comments are in
RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in
GREEN.
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With a yelp the blond boy hit floor, hard. The two inches padding on the floor and the reduced gravity saved him from serious injury, but not from the embarrassment of defeat. The boy moaned and rolled over to face his assailant. A large bald man still looming over him. The bald man placed his hands on his hips and shook his head. He abruptly turned to a crowd of young men gathered in a corner.![Cut *Cut*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/cut.png)
My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. They are your first and best opportunity to draw your readers into your fictional world. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.
This opening starts with action and orients the reader with the information that we are in a reduced gravity environment. That's a good start. But I think there are several tweaks you might consider that would improve it.
First, I'd make an effort to put the reader inside a point-of-view character's head. Since it appears that Blake is your POV character, I'd start with him doing something--perhaps rolling his eyes as the blond boy yelped and slammed onto the mat. I'd also name him, since that will help draw readers into his head.
Second, "large" is one of those non-specific adjectives that don't paint a precise picture. Does this mean "fat," or "beefy," or "tall," or "well-muscled?"
Finally, watch out for repeated words--"floor" and "bald" are used in successive sentences. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone, so more varied word choice is often advisable.
You might be interested in more detailed ideas on opening scenes or chapters that you can find in this essay:
They ranged in age from roughly 16 to 22 some sat on the edge of the padded mat others hung awkwardly from pipes and rails on the bulkhead.![Cut *Cut*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/cut.png)
My Comment: run-on. You need either a period or a semicolon before "some sat."
“More like skipping out on it. You should be a bit more compliant, with the old folks” said Mason. ![Cut *Cut*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/cut.png)
My Comment: Ordinarily, I don't comment on commas since I'm horrible with them myself. However, here I'm sure that you don't need a comma after "compliant." I'm also pretty sure that most of the time when you have two or more adjectives in a row, they are separated by commas, another place I've seen some errors.
Blake was left dumbfounded after hearing the statement.![Cut *Cut*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/cut.png)
My Comment: Instead of telling the reader he's dumbfounded, can you give some kind of physical reaction that lets the reader infer that's his state of mind? That little step of inference will help to draw readers into the story.
“You’ll have to forgive me, I am feeling a bit sick.”![Cut *Cut*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/cut.png)
My Comment: comma splice
Blake thought he wanted something more, yet he couldn’t describe what it was he wanted.![Cut *Cut*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/cut.png)
My Comment: This whole paragraph is the author telling the reader stuff about what's in Blake's head. This is all critical to the plot, but telling is almost always less effective than showing. The mere fact that he's on this walk-about shows his restless, dissatisfied nature. If you perhaps had a incident on the walkabout where he thinks he finds something new but then turns away with disappointment pulling at his lips, we'd get the information through his actions rather than through author narration.
The next morning, Blake was roused by the whine of his alarm. ![Cut *Cut*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/cut.png)
My Comment: Passive voice, which puts the readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining your fictional world. For this reason, active verb forms are usually preferable.
Grabbing his electric razor from it’s charger and gave the layer of stubble a quick trim, ![Cut *Cut*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/cut.png)
My Comment: Typo: "it's" is always the contraction "it is."
Witt that Blake knew felt could trust Stevens,![Cut *Cut*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/cut.png)
My Comment: something wrong with this sentence...
Blake cracked a grin. “Lets just say it’s a surprise. ![Cut *Cut*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/cut.png)
My Comment: Typo: should be "let's..."
As the light quickly grew brighter he pushed on desperate to keep up. ![Cut *Cut*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/cut.png)
My Comment: Who is desperate to keep up? If it's Stevens, then you have jumped from Blake's head to his.
Blake didn’t even notice, ![Cut *Cut*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/cut.png)
My Comment: Back in Blake's head...
Outside, Stevens, desperate to keep up quickly kicked![Cut *Cut*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/cut.png)
My Comment: And now we're in Steven's head, since we know he's desperate.
Blake tried to cloak his level of excitement,![Cut *Cut*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/cut.png)
My Comment:...back in Blake's head...
He stared intently as the two men discussing what to do about the lack of a third suit.![Cut *Cut*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/cut.png)
My Comment: This is one of those weak verb/adverb combinations I mentioned earlier. Perhaps he "peered," for a more precise verb choice.
A radio crackled on in the helmet “Everything good in there?” Screeched Lash’s voice.
“Where is the volume control for this thing?”
Lash grabbed Blake’s left arm and pointed out a pair of buttons, Blake quickly lowered the volume![Cut *Cut*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/cut.png)
My Comment: I loved the verb "screeched" here. It's a perfect example of a vivid, precise word choice. There are many other places where you do this--it helps to bring the fictional world to life. But then there places where you've got things like"quickly lowered," which is another weak verb/adverb combination. If you work on reducing adverbs and concentrating on better verb choices, I think you'll have a more effective, tension-filled story.
an escape form this stagnate world of metal and arbitrary rules.![Cut *Cut*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/cut.png)
My Comment: typos...FROM his STAGNANT world...
The planed slowly grew bigger, Blake was astonished by the scale. ![Cut *Cut*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/cut.png)
My Comment: Since he's tethered to the ship with a cable, it seems doubtful that the planet would actually have appeared larger...
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I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.
Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.
Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!
Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!
Max Griffin
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my
essay ![Open in new Window.](https://www.Writing.Com/nw.gif)
on short stories.