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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/3585010
Review #3585010
Viewing a review of:
 untitled Open in new Window. [18+]
just something i am experimenting with, any comment/opinion is welcome
by Bima Author Icon
Review of untitled  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*Check2* Overall Impression:

Talk about the thoughts of a madman. This guy is psychotic. I winced as you described the death of the kitten.

*Check2* Plot:

As far as I can tell, there is no real plot to this story. It is more the idea of a character. He is a hitman or a drug mule of some kind.

*Check2* Style and Voice:

The voice of the mad man came through loud and clear. You had examples of his childhood and some of the incidents that must have led to his joining a life of crime, but there is no motive for his violence. It is all based on the madness within himself.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:

I did not get much of a sense of the location from your writing. Just generalities. It could have been anywhere and anytime in the modern era.

*Check2* Characters:

I had to wonder about Nena and what she saw in this man. Since he was going to make an effort to clean up the blood before she arrived to see it, maybe he hides this aspect of himself from her?

*Check2* Dialog:

There was no verbal dialog, just the inner thoughts of the hitman. It seemed in keeping for the type of man he was, including the four letter words scattered throughout the story. While I normally don't like foul language, I felt that it was definitely in character here.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:

You had many run-on sentences scattered throughout the piece, which led to the stream of consciousness feel of the story. Normally, I would suggest fixing them, but in this case it sort of worked.

*Check2* Suggestions:

While this piece is far from finished, you can simply tell, I don't know if I have any concrete suggestions for you. You'll just need to continue to play with it and see where the characters lead you.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. It was an interesting read. Take care.


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