Hello Undead Detective ,

This is a Member to Member Review from the "TGDI Group" . Found your item in the last cicada 's "NaNoWriMo Tours Around Writing.com" .

Thoughts and Feelings

You have an interesting twist that really caught my attention. You have a good plot to work with here and with just a few touch-ups it could make for a very successful story.



Your plot is that a man is playing a piano in a very cheap place where he plays for lowlives and such. He imagines himself to be a more successful pianist and playing for a much more elite crowd.

After he plays he notices a man walks in and starts changing everyone into better versions of themselves. When he is the last one he is rejected and told that he can't be changed because he is real.

He wakes up to find himself in a concentration camp and gets carted off by some German soldiers to I suppose his death. I can only assume that he was a pianist before getting locked up in the concentration camp and he dreams of the life he used to have.

Characters

hmm....not sure if I feel for your character. The use of concentration camp is a very powerful image. But I don't think you develop the readers sympathy enough for your character. Give us reasons to feel bad for his predicament. Did he desire something besides success? Like love? Children? What else did he lose when he was taken to the concentration camps? I want to get emotionally attached to your character in order to feel how horrible his situation is.

Awesome Moments

When you have the man walk in and start changing everyone into classier versions of themselves. Then when he goes up to your main character, your main character is so happy about how is luck has finally changed only to hear "No". That was great.

Things to Improve

I feel since this is supposed to be for a scary story contest it did not seem very scary. If anything it felt sad and pathetic. It was not scary him finding out that he was imagining himself even as a lowly pianist. I would have preferred if you had made your character suffer more. Instead of going in the direction of using the concentration camps maybe have it be that the man who changes everyone is a real being. That the reason he doesn't change your main character is out of vindictiveness and evilness. An enjoyment to see him feel tortured and trapped. That would seem a bit more scarier.

Overall

You have an interesting story but its not a scary story. If anything its a sad one. I am guessing this was not your intent with how you wanted to develop the story.

Thank you for the read.


This review is just my view of your work. I am not a professional and only bring to the table what your work meant to me. I do not mean to offend. You may disregard what ever you disapprove because this work is your voice.

jocelyva
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