Hello TheDreamer ,

This is a review of your item: "Those Blue Eyes" 

Thoughts and Feelings

I felt like you made a good story that has potential to becoming a really creepy movie. But the feeling of the story gets interrupted in a few places.



The plot is that a girl who is driving from I her friend's place comes in contact with a girl in the middle of the road. Afterwards her image seems to haunt her at every moment to the point in which she dies herself. But we are not sure if it is because the ghost killed her or because she committed suicide.

This is a good plot but you didn't push the envelope in order to scare your reader. You had a chance to really creep the reader out when the ghost touched her but you abbreviated the scene instead of taking advantage. You should have also brought the creep factor by showing us the girl appearing in her classrooms in the middle of teachers lectures, or during dinner time with her family. These are great moments because she is with others and these are supposed to be safe settings but she is not safe because the girl is there. This definitely will build your reader up to becoming frightened.

Characters

Your ghost girl was a bit cliche. She was okay for most of the part but when you had her speaking. Her lines seemed very cliche and ruined her for me. I would try to come up with more unique dialogue than "I am coming for you".

Awesome Moments

When you said the girl touched her, I got a bit frightened to read that. Would have loved to have learned more of what happened?

The other awesome part was when she saw her in her room, and then saw her hanged up on a tree while walking to school. Very awesome imagery there.

Things to Improve

“Jesus f***ing Christ!” She yelled, and she unbuckled her seatbelt and got out of the car. “What the hell are you doing in the middle of the road?”

If you see a girl in a nightgown in the middle of the road. I do not think your first reaction is to ask her what she is doing in the middle of the road so angrily. I think if you see a young girl like that you would immediately ask her if she is okay.

The girl slowly turned her head to her. Now that she wasn’t concentrating on driving, Amy could get a better look at her.

These sentences imply certain things that contradict your story so far. When you say that now that Amy was not driving she could get a good look at her this implies that she had been noticing the young girl for awhile while she was driving instead of the instant right before she almost hit her.

The other thing is that the girl was not facing her, so there was no way that she had observed her face before and could get a better look at her. When you say that someone is going to get a better look at someone you make more detailed comments about things that she already noticed. Since you provided information about the nightgown this would make you have to focus on this.

For example: maybe there is a blood stain on the gown that she did not notice. Maybe the gown is ripped. After you mention this than you could go on explaining how the girl turned her head, revealing her face and the front of her body.

So the order of this description I think would be best made like this, (that is if you keep the part about getting a better look at her) more details on gown, feet, then her head turns to reveal her face. But my best advice is to get rid of the better look part so that you are not limited in scope as to how to describe her or say it differently like Now that she was closer, she could get a better look.

Your description of her eye color would be best turned from Ice blue eyes to icy blue eyes. Ice keeps making me pause and interrupts the flow of the story.

I must be imagining things, she’s not really there! She thought, and when she blinked and looked back, she was gone. Amy hurried downstairs to eat breakfast, and then went off to school.

The last sentence is too abrupt. She just woke up with a jolt. I would think after seeing the girl gone she would release the breath she was holding in and that her heart would stop pounding. Then she would go off to eat breakfast.

Then one day, the girl touched her.

A shiver ran down her spine, and a feeling of death and foreboding entered her body. She began to cry, right then and there.

I want to know more about the touch. Where was she touched? How close was the girl usually that made this time special? I want to see more of a reaction. She had thought it was not real but feeling the girl's touch changed everything. I would think she would try to run away, or scream, and than you can describe what she felt after her physical actions (or reactions). The part with the shiver ran down and all.

There, right above her head, hung her daughter from a noose, an exact replica of the blue eyed girl.
There, right above her head, hung her daughter from a noose, an exact replica of the blue eyed girl.

This part is fine up to the noose. We as the reader already know that this is similar to the blue eyed girl. Its not necessary for you to say it. Plus how is the mother supposed to know that this is a replica because now you are writing from the mother's viewpoint. This contradicts.

Grammar

I feel like there are a few things you could say better. Here are the ones I caught.

As she reached the forest the road stretched through, she grew fairly cold.
As she reached the forest the road stretched through, she grew fairly cold.

Here, I felt the introduction of fairly ruined the flow and feeling of the sentence. It interrupted the imagery. If you say she grew cold, it seems to hit you directly, just like the feeling of coldness.

“I must be getting a cold or something.” And so she ignored the shivers and goose bumps she received.
“I must be getting a cold or something,” ignoring the shivers and goose bumps she felt.

About a minute later, after the feeling of cold had passed, a young girl appeared on the road.
About A minute later, after the feeling of cold had passed, a young girl appeared on the road.

You should stay away from words that show approximation. If something is going to happen you should say it is happening.

Also I think you should take out the part about the coldness passing. We know as the reader that she is ignoring it. Plus you are focusing too long on this cold feeling by mentioning it three times. Its enough to leave us with the thought that she is ignoring it.

She tried to drone out the yells and whispers, but nothing seemed to work.
She tried to drown out the yells and whispers, but nothing seemed to work.

Overall

In the end I enjoyed reading this. I hope my advice helps you to take advantage of the set ups you provide yourself to frighten your reader more.

Thank you for the read.


This review is just my view of your work. I am not a professional and only bring to the table what your work meant to me. I do not mean to offend. You may disregard what ever you disapprove because this work is your voice.

jocelyva
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **