Hello Bima ,

This is a Review from the "TGDI Group" .

Thoughts and Feelings

What a creepy story idea you have here. I totally want to read more. I am interested to see where you will go with this.



The plot is that a boy comes to the realization that he wants to be a killer. He publicly announces it which causes problems for him in school. At the end has decided his first victim.

Good plot so far. Having the setting be in the classroom where he reveals to everyone his plans is interesting. Thought provoking too.

Characters

The boy is great. He is creepy with his intentions but still seems awfully normal. As if if he had no desire to kill anyone he would be a normal boy.

The parents seem to be the reason why he wants to hurt others. I immediately thought ''Maybe they should stop beating him''. lol

Awesome Moments

When he reads what he wants to be in front of the class. When he was about to go into details that was just awesome. I would have love some description of the look on the teacher and the students faces.

The boy is also a great character and the driver of this story.

And of course I like the ending that he wants to be unique. Nice touch!!!

Things to Improve

I noticed from your portfolio you had a lot of stories with no titles on them. This made it hard to get a feel for your stories. I think you scare off more readers by not having a title at all. Even if you plan to change the title later you should always add one. I know you are not a newbie but this article, "Invalid Item"  really explains why filling in certain things in your writing will help get you noticed more and also help get you more productive reviews.

You have a lot of dialogue in the story but no quotation marks on them. I would add quotation marks.

The second part of the story was too short. I would have liked to have seen what some of the bullies were doing to him. The exchange between Jo and the bully. This would make it very interesting and give the reader an understanding that Jo is ready to kill his first victim. The abruptness of his decision did not make us feel for him a little.

There seems to be a future problem for your story. If the boy does not like to lie than if he is questioned about the death of a fellow student there goes his entire career because he will just tell the truth. I like him revealing his killer instincts in class but I feel that if you use truthness as the reason than this story is gonna end real quick with him getting arrested.

Grammar

My parents taught me to be honest that with lies came painful consequences.

My parents taught me to be honest. That lies came with painful consequences.

The clasps to his leather belt cutting into the thin layers of skin on my back, then having to take a shower still bleeding from the punishment.

The clasps on his leather belt cut into the thin layers of skin on my back. My pain doubled after I took a shower, reminding me of my punishment with every trickle of blood that fell into the water. I think this sounds better.

OK class today we are going to be writing about what you want to be when you grow up. I want you all to be creative and honest with your writing because you will be reading it in front of the class.

The teacher is talking in this part. You should add quotation marks here.

As everyone read their essay, I kept scribbling more and more ideas onto mine, my thoughts kept racing flashing thoughts as though I was watching a television.

.....I kept scribbling more and more ideas onto mine. My thoughts kept racing as though I was watching television and I was clicking through the channels.

You have racing and flashing next to each other. This does not make sense. You have to pick one. Also your metaphor is a bit weak. If you want his thoughts to be racing, watching television doesn't give that same image. I would think flipping through channels quickly finding something to watch is better.

Overall

I hope you continue this story. Would like to read more of what happens.

Thank you for the read.


This review is just my view of your work. I am not a professional and only bring to the table what your work meant to me. I do not mean to offend. You may disregard what ever you disapprove because this work is your voice.

jocelyva
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