Hello Ms. Byron ,

This is a Review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

Thoughts and Feelings

I was very interested in your story. Having the concept of music be a physical thing was a good idea. So your way of bringing that concept to life was good. But I felt like there were a few things that distract from the magical feeling of your piece.

Plot/Setting

Like I mentioned before your story has an interesting plot. A boy's mother gets sick and right when she is turning worst the boy hears music from his fathers abandoned workshop. He finds the spirits of the instruments and music within and they help him by showing him an instrument that would heal his mother.

Great plot!!!

Characters

I liked the men who were the musicians. But I would have liked to have had them play the instruments (maybe revealing the power of the instruments to the boy).

The boy seemed either naive, young, or both. I did not understand how old he was. So I cant put a face to this child because he could be a child, or a pre-teen, or a teenager.

Awesome Moments

Your plot was great. I loved the theme of using music.

Having music represented as physical men was also one of the awesome moments in this piece. Would have liked to have learned more about them.

Things to Improve

The layout of your short story makes it a bit difficult to read and not lose your place. This causes the reader to have to read slowly. You risk the chance of scaring off potential readers by not making it easier to read through your piece. Reading over the internet is obviously different than in books. I would recommend putting a space in between your paragraphs.

Your sentences are too abrupt and short and lack description words to make you feel whats happening in the moment. Its cold but how cold is it. What does the music sound as he hears it. What is he feeling as he is watching his mother weakening? She is sick, but how sick? What does she look like? What does she smell like?

All of these important indicators to let us know how things feel if you are in the story are missing. It feels like your story is the skeleton of the story but there is not muscle or fat covering the area.

“We are music,” the bearded man answered.

How old is the boy that he does not question a bunch of men who are in his fathers locked workshop? What kind of world is this? Are they used to weird things coming out of nowhere. How is it the boy takes their word so easily?

The fact that the boy does not question them either tells me he is naive, young, or stuff like this happens all the time in his world or town. You may want to make whichever of these options obvious in your writing.

For some reason—no one knew exactly why—they would be filled with much joy whenever the boy played. His music seemed to have a life of its own. Angelo’s music healed.

I feel like this ending was not satisfying enough. There could have been more said. You could have made it seem magical the music Angelo played. But since you end it so shortly with Angelo's much healed. It seemed to lose all the magic of the work. You should make whole thing sound amazing at the end. For example: Angelo's music healed any who heard its soft melodies. Whether it was physical pain or sickness, or emotional pain and suffering, those melodies reached into each and every one of them, giving them peace, in body and soul.

Grammar

Angelo looked after her, and his grandmother, too, dropped by to prepare their meals.

This sentence sounds weird to me. I think I would have split this in two. Like this: Angelo looked after her. His grandmother would drop by everyday to prepare their meals. This sounds a lot better since your sentence implies that the boy lives somewhere else and also drops by like his grandmother.

He crept out of his room as silent as a cat, and down the stairs to the kitchen. “The music is coming from the workshop,” he said to himself.

This sounds like a small contradiction. It sounds like he wants to be quiet so I can't imagine him talking outloud. I can only think of him thinking this in his head.

It was cold outside. He shivered.
He continued walking....
The cold wind outside made him shiver from its icy touch. But he continued walking in search of the eeiry sound emanating from the old workshop.

These three sentences are so abrupt and short that it ruins the flow of your story. I would combine the first two maybe adding some description words to show just how cold it is. Such as my example above.

“What’s all that banging for?” the man asked.

I was actually confused by this part. I did not read at all that the boy was banging so I had to pause and reread the section. This is where description words would help in giving the reader a feel of what is going on. Since you only described him as trying to force the door open I could just imagine him pulling at it. Barely any noise.

Overall

Though you have a great plot and story. The writing style you chose limits the amount the reader can feel from your piece. I can't feel like I am the boy witnessing all of this. I can't feel the magic, and the amazement, and the power from the boy's encounter with music.

Thank you for the read.


This review is just my view of your work. I am not a professional and only bring to the table what your work meant to me. I do not mean to offend. You may disregard what ever you disapprove because this work is your voice.

jocelyva
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