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Review #3325549
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*Flower6*The following review, suggestions and corrections are meant to be helpful.*Flower6*
*Flower6* Use what you like and disregard the rest! *Flower6*

Hi sarahreed!  I’m reviewing your chapter because you are my partner in "Merit Badge Bonanza!Open in new Window. *Smile*
Title: "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. Chapter 2
Author: SilvaShado

Plot:
Two new characters are introduced into the plot: Ferinos and Falenthio. Through a fascinating exchange of dialog, the reader discovers that Ferinos, the older brother, has killed their father so he can assume the throne. This is a great introduction of the bad guy and his brother, who I think will be the hero.

Style & Voice:
The chapter is written in a strong style with great descriptions and dynamic dialog. The characters and the plot become clear immediately and there was no place that dragged. Excellent job! *Smile*

Referencing:
The most interesting things were the mention of auras and the mention of a magic sword. Since it was taken from the vault, it seems that the sword isn’t the only magical thing in this land. The aura seems a bit powerful since Ferinos was worried his brother might break out of jail by using it. I wonder why the Aven people don’t have magical auras.

Scene/Setting:
The description of the setting and the clothing of the Ferinos were both good. You did a lot with light and dark in this chapter. That was very clever because it mirrored the contrasting personalities of the brothers.

Characters:
Great job with the characterizations. The descriptions of their behavior were consistent and very interesting. The dialog gave the reader important plot points as well as demonstrated the relationship between the brothers. I’m not sure why you chose to write the chapter from the POV of the evil brother, but it worked very well. It was exciting to be in the head of the bad guy. That rarely happens sin books.
This was my favorite line in this chapter:
As Falenthio glared at Ferinos, an aura of fire sparked around Falenthio.

This description of what Falenthio looked like was symbolic of the burning anger that he feels toward his brother. Good description! *Smile*

Suggestions

*Note1* You wrote:
Down the dank, darkened hallway of the dungeon, Ferinos strutted, a sharp contrast to his surroundings. Impeccably dressed in bejeweled royal clothes in shades of gold, his burnt red skin glowed in the flickering light of the torches on the walls. The dancing torch light mirrored the flames of his spiky hair.

Normally, I’m a big fan of alliteration. However, in the first line it seems a bit clumsy. I think one of the adjectives could be removed. Or change the ‘down’ to ‘through’. The description of ‘burnt red skin’ doesn’t sound like a color, but a state of being, as if he’s burned. I believe you want a color here and didn’t mean to imply that he’s injured. It would be best to choose another adjective.

*Note2* You wrote:
Ferinos drooped his face and flashed pain through his eyes.

Unless the creature has a face of jello and eyes that can shoot pain, I think you might want to come up with some new or re-worded descriptions

*Note3* You wrote:
He gazed down, his bright yellow eyes widening to pierce the darkness.
Where he wasn't covered in grime, his light red skin shone bright in the lamplight.
Ferinos almost frowned, but recovered, a bright smile on his face.
Falenthio's head whipped up, anger shone brightly in his orange eyes, the pupils opened to their fullest.

Repetitive words can become monotonous to readers. They need a variety of words to keep them entertained. Descriptive words (and verbs) should be used only once in a chapter.

*Note4* You wrote:
"Fine." Ferinos brushed off some specks of dirt that had fallen onto his shoulder.

I don’t think you meant that actual dirt had fallen on him (where would it come from?). I think you meant to indicate a motion of Ferinos preening. It would be good to reword this.

*Note5* You wrote:
At the bottom of the stairs Ferinos stopped, and craned his ears. His brother's muttering voice drifted to him.

Although you mentioned that their ears were pointed, did you mean they were like a cat’s ears? The use of ‘craned’ stopped me until I remembered that the ears weren’t normal. It would be good to describe them a bit more so the reader gets a better idea of them.

Grammar:
Their father had died[,] and so, as the eldest, it was his duty and pleasure to assume the throne.

"Hello[,] brother," Ferinos murmured.

"You think I had something to do with father's death?" Ferinos' widened his eyes and dropped his jaw as he put a hand over his chest.
– There’s an apostrophe after the character’s name that shouldn’t be there.

I do need you by my side[,] brother.

Overall Impression:
This is my favorite chapter. I loved the tension in the scene between the brothers. The fact that they are brothers and one is evil is, in itself, fascinating and exciting. Also, the fact that the evil one has all the power and is off to meet the heroine will make readers very curious to read on. How will poor Falenthio get out of the jail cell? How will he beat his brother and take the throne? Great chapter! *Thumbsup*

LJPC - the tortoise Author Icon

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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 05/30/2010 @ 8:26pm EDT
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