Hi sarahreed!  I’m reviewing your chapter because you are my partner in "Merit Badge Bonanza!" 
Title: "Invalid Item"  Chapter 1
Author: SilvaShado

Plot:
There are two plots. There’s a plot where Adeena is trying to lead people to safety from a storm, hail, and a forest fire. The second plot involves the introduction of her friend and the information that the important ball is only a few days away. The first plot turns out to be only a dream.

Style & Voice:
Adeena’s voice is strong all the way through. You did a good job alternating between the action, showing her emotions, and sharing her thoughts with the reader. The pacing was good and there were no parts where the story dragged.

Scene/Setting:
The first scenes in the storm came off as unbelievable – because they were not real! It was the details, which were both interesting and didn’t make sense, that gave it away. The dream sequence was surreal, while the ending scene in Adeena’s bedroom was much more believable. After the high voltage descriptions of the dream sequence, Adeena’s real life seems a bit boring.

Characters:
There are two Adeena characters. The one in the dream sequence who sacrifices herself to save a peasant, and the one in the bedroom, who we don’t’ really know yet. All her actions, reactions, and dialog was well written so that she appears to be a vibrant and interesting character.

The second character, Neela, seems to be a perfect foil for the angst-filled princess. Neela is good-humored and enthusiastic. This was my favorite line in the chapter:
Neela laughed, a sound like chimes jingling in the breeze. "That's what you got me for."
I liked the simplicity of this description. It made Neela easy to imagine. The use of wind 'chimes' and 'breeze' worked well because they are winged characters. Good choices!

Suggestions

The gravity of the opening quote doesn’t match with the girl whopping and having fun. If she’s thinking about a disagreement with her mother, or a hard lesson her mother tried to teach her, she would be in a contemplative mood. I suggest bringing the quote in later.

You wrote:
Having keen sight, she spied a black shape far in the distance. Raising a hand to shield the sun from hazel eyes, fear streaked through her as a storm fast approached.
She dove towards the ground, but the black clouds were quicker. The consuming darkness made flesh and wings heavy with moisture. A deafening crack of thunder was followed by a blinding flash of lightning.
These were my thoughts as I read the first half of the chapter. If the storm cloud were in the ‘far’ distance, it seems unlikely that they could reach her before she could fly to the ground. Unless she was flying a mile or two in the sky, in which case she’d have trouble breathing. At 8000-feet, oxygen levels are 25% less than normal. In regard to the last line, lightning comes first, not thunder. The crack is the sound of the air rushing back into burned space. Also, because light travels faster than sound, you can see lightning before you hear thunder.

The scene that follows confused me because of this line: Adeena saw herself flying point as ordered, guiding everyone to safety.
If she saw herself, she’s either having an out-of-body experience, or it’s all a dream. Both of which are odd.

Ah-ha! Now, halfway through the chapter the reader finds out that it’s all a dream. In addition to prologues, editors aren’t fond of dream sequences to start a novel. Usually the dream sequence is very exciting and pulls the reader into the book. However, they feel betrayed when they find that it’s been a ‘trick’. After being disappointed, the reader will have trouble trusting the narrator again. Editors believe that dream sequences are the writer’s way of inserting excitement into a story when they are worried it doesn’t have enough drama to attract a reader. If the story is strong, it wouldn’t need the false drama of a dream sequence.

Since the dreams of her mother seem important to the story, you can put them in at a later time. However, the first time the reader is introduced to the main character shouldn’t be through a dream sequence.

Beware of using too many exclamation points in Neela’s dialog. It seems every line of hers in the story has an exclamation point at the end. By keeping her enthusiasm so high, she starts to sound artificial. Also, the surprise she shows at Adeena’s later comment (about not wanting love), is dulled by the fact that all her reactions are strong all the way through. If you want to show a strong reaction at the end, there must be peaks and valleys in her dialog, not all peaks.

Grammar:
None – Perfect!

Overall Impression:
There are many things I liked about this chapter. The writing was good, the characters appear well thought-out, and the plot line is interesting. My favorite part was the interaction between Adeena and her servant/best friend, Neela. The character of Neela was delightful and was a bright spot in a rather dark chapter. Personally, I don’t care for the dream sequence, but you should do what you feel is best. If you love the dream sequence, keep it.

LJPC - the tortoise Check out these great groups:
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