I recently became a christian (in March 2006) after growing up in a home that considered (and still considers) religion as the stuff meant for people to cling to, to make their lives make sense. My father is a flat-out atheist, my mother does believe there is something 'out there' but still thinks we made God up. It has taken me fourteen years or so to take this step to become a christian, and it scared me half to death before I actually made it.
For years, I was looking for something beyond that which my eyes could see. When I was still living with my parents, I looked for it everywhere: witchcraft, reincarnation, buddhism, zen, past-lives meditation, aura photography; you name it, I investigated it. Because of my parents' adversity against christianity, I never really took the time to investigate that properly. I had simply written it off. When I went out, I was with those who mocked the people with their Jesus Saves signs outside the pubs in the middle of the night, who clung to you when you were doing your shopping to tell you about being saved, who came to collect for the Salvation Army.
It was only after I moved out that I could finally start thinking for myself on matters of faith. Still, for a couple of years I didn't think about it at all. As a matter of fact, I spent five months in Israel in 1998-1999, the most religious place you could be, and all I was thinking about was cheap wine, cheap cigarettes and cheap fun. Oh, and to see all the religious crazies walking around the street, of course.
Except at one point, I went into a bookshop - which I always do when I get a little lonely - and the man behind the counter looked at me and started up a conversation. He wanted to know where I was from, what I was doing here. And when he found out I was from Holland, he smiled and said 'I have something for you'. And from under the counter he got out a book, which I accepted (because only an idiot would not accept a free book, in my opinion). It turned out to be a New Testament, with one page in Hebrew and the opposite page in Dutch throughout. I was a little overwhelmed and fled the shop as soon as was possible without seeming impolite. I took the bible out and read a bit, but I felt like crying, so I put it away again and got back to where I was best at at the time - not thinking, drinking and partying.
When I got back home, for a while, that attitude stuck with me. I decided a was 'charmed' by the little bible and the man who had given it to me - such a pretty, non-descriptive word, isn't it? - and nothing more. A couple of years again went by, where I slowly began reading more and more about christianity. Still, nothing indicated to me that christianity was any better than any other religion.
And then one morning, in december 2002, about a week before Christmas - and believe me, I know how corny that sounds - I suddenly woke up on a Saturday and said to myself: "I'm going to church tomorrow." And I did, I went to church, and the minister there told me about an Alpha course that they did, where you could learn more about christianity. So I partook in it and was perhaps the most annoying person you could have at a table full of christians. I questioned everything and understood nothing - or I chose not to understand even if I did, just to provoke everybody else.
Still, it had me thinking and going to church for a while. But the church was in the town where my mother lived, and I lived an hour away, and in my home town I simply didn't want to look for a church - after all, it really wasn't that important - so slowly I stopped going. But the interest was still there, and I started praying to God. Not to Jesus - I wasn't comfortable with Jesus, or with the concept of sin. I despised the word 'sin'. It made me feel unworthy, and because of personal experiences I had had, I felt I'd experienced enough of that for a lifetime. But God was okay with me. I accepted him as the creator, and that was good enough for me.
Still, something kept on telling me: this, what you're doing, is not enough. You're praying to God and at the same time acting in a way contrary to everything he stands for the moment you stop praying. You're praying to God and behaving in a way that contradicts what he says. And you're justifying yourself doing it. You're being a total hypocrite, and you know it.
So when I moved again, to a town not far away, I decided to go look for a church, and found one that appealed to me. It had music, and dancing, and clapping. And it had study groups. In that study group I met great women of faith, women who were not afraid to speak out, women who made Christ the centre of their universe without any shame or fear. And they looked so happy.
I tried my sarcastic approach for a while, but finally I started to listen to them. And when I did, I learned so much that you can't get from books. I learned about God's love. I learned about his Spirit, his guidance.
And I learned how scared, how absolutely terrified I was to become a christian. What if I was wrong? What if God was really the God of the Jews, and Jesus was a false messiah? What if my family found out? What would they say? What would my friends say, for that matter?
And then I realised something wonderful: nobody could ever love me more than someone who would give his life for me. There can be no greater love, and Jesus was the one willing to do it. That's when I decided to take the leap of faith - and I really understand what that means, too. It was the scariest thing I have ever done in my life, and telling my family I had become a christian was even scarier, but it felt so good. I felt whole, and loved, and covered.
I told you this so you would know how I came to believe and what a long road I took to get here. When I was first presented with Jesus - the man in the bookshop giving me the bible - I knew, from within my heart, that I wanted him, but I rejected my longing for him. Every time I was confronted with him, I found something else to do, some project to bury myself in, something life-consuming. I reacted with agression to anyone trying to tell me anything about Jesus, with sarcasm, with sharp jabs under the belt, with disrespect, with loathing even, with arrogance, with pride.
Ever since I became a christian, things have been different. I have felt loved and I feel that God wants me to get to know him. I feel compelled to reach those people that are like I was, all those people who are like the old me. I am still not sure if this is my 'ministry', as they say; I'm not sure if I know God well enough to know his will for me yet, but I'm pretty sure it's His will to share my faith with others (after all, it says so in the bible). And this to the point of ridicule, agression, loathing, disrespect, sarcasm, arrogance, and pride.
And that scares me. It numbs me. It terrifies me. I know how people react to christians - I've been one of those people. My collegues mock christians, my best friend claims to want to vomit every time she hears the word 'God', my family accepts my choice but wants nothing to do with my faith.
But if it is His will, then I will do what He sends me to do. No matter if it's something big like becoming a missionary or a bible-smuggler, or something small, like sharing my faith at work. I will follow where He leads me, because His path leads to mercy, love, and peace.
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