The St. Louis heat in late summer was especially bad today and my car was going to be scorching. As I had just exited law school and still had student loans, my car did not have a remote start, so I knew that I would have to deal with the heat. I loosened my tie and swung my jacket over my shoulder as I walked out into the heat and navigated to my parking spot. I saw my car and hit the key fob to unlock the car. I reached for the door handle, thinking only about how long it would take to cool down.
I was frozen, the moment I reached for the door handle. My outstretched hand gripped the door handle, but I could not open the door. Not only could I not move, but I was freezing. My heart was racing. I had suffered from panic attacks before, but this was nothing like any previous episode. I stood frozen outside my car with my arm extended for an indeterminate period of time. I forced myself to blink and the world came back into focus. I gripped the steering wheel inside my car.
What the fuck just happened? I thought to myself.
I sat in my car for another good minute. I practiced the deep breathing. I continued the exercise as I felt my heart rate go down. I exhaled deeply and had finally convinced myself that I had just experienced the most insane panic attack of my life. However, I was still freezing cold. I needed to get home.
I turned on the ignition, gripped the wheel and took a deep breath. I put the car in reverse. I concentrated on driving, feeling the car, and shifting at the right times. My anxiety quickly moved to the back of my head as I headed home. The 15 minute drive home was uneventful to say the least.
I arrived at my other “purchase” after law school, my condo. It was a simple two bedroom condo, I used the second bedroom as an office, but kept a spare bed in there. I opened the door to my place, and my dog, Emily jumped on me excited as always. I realized at that time that I had forgotten to take her for a walk int he morning. I looked at her face and eyes as she sat patiently where I kept her leash, she needed a walk.
Emily picked up on my mood, but still begged to go on a walk. I obliged and took her on a short 15 minute walk around the block. I shivered as I felt cold, the entire walk. It was still in the 90s outside, but I continued to have a cold sweat and I shivered. I chalked it up to getting sick. I completed the walk around the block with Emily and approached the front door.
I unlocked the door to my apartment and it took all of my energy to not fall down at that exact moment. As I reached down to take the leash off Emily, I felt a strange pain in my hand. I looked down at my hand as I unlatched her leash and noticed as my fingers thinned out and the hair on my hand stood up and retreated into my skin. I watched as the nails on my hand became slightly longer and more defined, coming to a rounded point just beyond the end of each finger. I noticed a loss of muscle definition on my forearms and the hair on my forearms stood up and retreated into my arms. I was left with a slightly sore feeling in my arms and hands, as if I had worked out too hard. I soon forgot that achy pain as I was hit with a pain as if I had been stuffed into a trash compactor.
I took maybe two stumbling steps, before I doubled over in pain and lowered myself to the floor and wailed out in pain while laying on my back. Emily whimpered and crawled over to me with a look of concern. I reached out to scratch her head in an attempt to reassure her that I was okay.
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