"Hey, Tim..." she greeted you, her slightly quivering voice mimicking your mother's exactly.
You did not respond however, finding the sight of her there too surreal for words. You of course knew exactly what you'd been expecting to see when you walked through that door - having been thinking of nothing else for the last 24 hours. But still, now that you were here, nothing had prepared for this...
Allison did not simply resemble or look a bit like your mother. She was, in ever sense of the word, physically your actual mother. That was her actual body sitting there staring up at you with saddened yet hopeful eyes. The same green eyes that used to glare at you whenever you came home late, or got in trouble at school. She also had the same nose, the same lips, the same maturity of face, the same everything that you had seen seen nearly every day for the past 16 plus years!
If you hadn't known better, you would have sworn blind this was actually her. In fact, even though you did know about the brain transplant, and about Allison's mind or psyche or whatever now inhabiting her form, you still couldn't quite believe it. Your brain was currently having a great deal of difficulty accepting the woman before you as anything other than your mom. Seemingly having short circuited the moment you walked in the room.
"Tim?" she again repeated, trying to get a response as you stood there frozen. Your mouth hanging agape. "Tim, are you okay?"
"Yuh-yeah... I'm... I'm okay," you finally croaked after a few seconds, forcing yourself out of your trance and repeating to yourself, It's not mom. It's Allison. It's Allison... Trying desperately to make yourself believe.
Hanging her head slightly, as if ashamed, Allison then apologized. "I'm sorry. This must be so hard for you. And I'm really sorry about your mom. I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through."
You doubted many people could. Even her. There really being no precedent for any of this.
Croaking again as you replied, "Tha-thanks", you couldn't help but feel yourself welling up. It was one thing receiving sympathy from her parents outside, it was another receiving it from what appeared to be your actual mother. You had to try and stay strong though, just like your father had told you. And even though more than anything right now you wanted to just turn and run right out the door, and pretend like none of this was real, you didn't. You instead fought back the tears and continued on, asking her, "How... how are you?"
"I dunno. I could be better I guess," Allison half sort of laughed. Your mother's lips curving slightly into a sad little smile. "Glad to be alive though."
"Yeah. I'll bet..."
Though you were doing your best to answer her and be supportive, in all honesty you'd never felt as awkward or as uncomfortable as you did right now. This was nothing like how you and Allison usually spoke - having in the past been able to talk to her about basically anything with ease. Outside of Randall Davis, she was your best friend. You shared everything together and never had any problem saying what was on your mind. Now though it was all so stilted, and you really were finding it next to impossible to listen to her speak and look at her at the same time.
Obviously noticing this, noticing how your gaze kept darting away - to your shoes, to the ceiling, to the TV in the corner, to just about anywhere other than her face - she let out a heavy sigh. "God, I'm so sorry. This is just too weird isn't it? Me like this? You can barely stand the sight of me."
"No. No. It's... it's not... No," you awkwardly stumbled, pulling your eyes back towards her again as you lied.
As difficult as it was, the girl you loved was under there, and she was in pain too. You had to at least try to be there for her. To comfort her. Not wanting to have to cut all ties like your father had. Unfortunately all you could think to say in response was, "...It's just hard, you know?"
"Yeah. It's hard for me too," she admitted, her face flushed. "I really wish it could have been some other way. I hate what this must be doing to you... to your father."
"You heard about my dad?"
"Yeah. The Doctor told me. I'm really not surprised. I can't imagine the pain he's going through right now. You as well."
"I'll be alright," you told her, not entirely sure if this would be the case or not, but not wanting her to feel any worse. "I'm just happy you're alive." This part was true however, you were happy of that. You couldn't even begin to imagine what your world would be like without Allison in it. Although, admittedly, at the same time, you couldn't really imagine what it was going to be like with her like that. Nothing would ever be the same again that was for damn sure.
"They also told me about the secrecy agreement. About living as your mom now... and about the divorce."
Wow... It seemed Doctor Saunders and Kerry were just dropping everything on her, just like they had done with you. I guess they probably don't see the point in stringing it out, you thought, the hospital no doubt being anxious for your 'situation' to be sorted out as cleanly and as quickly as possible.
"Pretty messed up, right?"
"Yeah. But it seems there really is no other way," Allison said. It being her turn now to avoid your gaze as she rather guiltily glanced away. "And... and if I really am stuck like this for the rest of my life, I don't want to cause you and your family any more pain than I already have."
"You... you haven't," you assured her. None of this being her fault. She had simply gone with her boyfriend and his family to watch a game of football. Nobody could have foreseen this. Nobody. You really didn't want her blaming herself on top of everything else she was currently going through. No matter how it made you feel..
Allison however was never really one to back down in an argument, and just like any other time, she wasn't about to now. "Not intentionally," she explained, looking up at you again with your mother's soft green eyes, "But just by being like this now, I am, and I will."
As much as you wanted to, unfortunately you couldn't disagree. What she was saying was true. Her appearance, this facade that she was your mother was so deeply troubling that it really did feel like someone was stabbing a knife through your heart every time she half sort of smiled. As if her memory was being besmirched just by the mere fact that she was still talking and moving around like normal. Like nothing had even happened.
Not even waiting for a reply this time, well aware that this was what you were thinking, she tried to lighten the mood a little with a touch of levity. "Anyway. As much as I like your dad, I don't think I could actually be married to him. That honor I was saving for you, remember?"
You did remember. It was a joke you often made. Perhaps after college, you'd always thought, if the two of you were still together...
"Heh. Yeah," you did your best to chuckle. It not really being so funny now.
Allison felt this too, and you saw a real sense of sadness and realization then cross your mother's mature face. "I suppose though, now... things between us... they'll..." she stuttered, unable to even say the words. Letting out a sniffle as her eyes began to water.
You knew what she meant though. Having been thinking the exact same thing yourself. "Yeah..."
The relationship that you had built over the last five years, all of that was now gone. Destroyed by this cruel joke that had seemingly been played on you from somewhere up above. There was no way the two of you could carry on as boyfriend and girlfriend, no way in hell. Not now that she was inside your mother's body and you technically (and at least to the eyes of the outside world) were her son. What you'd had and what had once been so strong was now gone... forever. And that was a horrible and truly unpleasant thought.
Clearly as upset about this as you were, and unable now to even attempt to disguise her sadness, your conversation suddenly became all the more awkward. Seeing her there, as your mother, tears welling up within her eyes, while the two of you continued to chat about various other, less important matters, knowing that there was an extremely damaged, frightening young girl inside who was struggling to cope, made you more than anything want to march over there and give her a hug. To wrap your arms tightly around her and tell her that everything was going to be alright.
You couldn't though. You couldn't bring yourself to move, or do much of anything. Having no idea now how you were supposed to act around the bizarre hybrid of your girlfriend and your dead mother. It was all just too much!
So, instead, after straining to fill her in on how your little brother and sister were doing after the crash (which was fine according to your father), you took the easy way out and told her that you'd better go. Promising that you would see her again soon.
"Okay..." she said, making no attempt to stop you. This clearly being too much for her as well.
And so, taking one last glance back at the woman who was now your mother, not knowing what else to say, you turned and walked back out the door. Feeling a lot worse now than when you'd first gone in.
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