Chapter #5Say good bye to your old life. by: Inscrutable   It’s a little drastic, you know. You disliked your life so much that you rather not be reminded of things you’d constantly had to do over and over. The ritual gain of a daily man’s life is a reminder of the endless seeming loop and connects those things to memories and your past. You realize the only way to break free was with a choice like this, one choice that made sure you won’t have to do with that life anymore or it being similar.
You want to be far away from everything. Your home wasn’t the best place. You didn’t like your town either, nor your contacts. It’s only obvious you’d choose something like this. You’re certain of it and yet, somehow it feels a bit strange too.
In your past life you had only two friends at high school, but you never spoke with any of them after graduating. Of course you also had your crush, but you only started seeing her after graduating which is ironic. You didn’t like home. Your mother who now is fifty-two was a weird one. Most of the time she was a bitch blaming you for everything, but sometimes she pretends nothing happened. Your father was very kind, but never home. You barely know him, you guess. Of course there was also your siblings, but the only one bothered to even speak with you was your youngest sister who is currently twelve years old.
If you had to guess, you whole birth was a mistake. Your mother shouldn’t have a child at that age she got you, let alone you became nothing but a reminder of everything that went wrong to her after wards, including her depression periods. So she complains to you even for no reason. You guess that’s why you were always distant from people.
School didn’t help you either. Because of your weird behavior probably caused by your mom forcefully make you do things all the time which you couldn’t refuse, because if you did she’d make you so sad and abuse your feelings and the situation and if you say no she made you heavily sad, that you’d regret saying no even if you only did it once. Of course you realized this all was just her way of being in control when you went into puberty. You still can’t believe she was just blackmailing you all the time and driving your kindness and feelings in the floor for her own pleasure. Of course she was nice and hiding her true self all the time towards others, but anyway, it caused you to mistrust a lot of people. Especially since your mom remained nice and when you told someone what she did to you, because of her behavior they’d always think you were lying. No one believed you. So you can guess how school went after wards.
You got teased a lot, never really socialized. You never really lied in your old days, but people just called you a liar all the time anyway. You learned you had to lie in order to avoid a lot of pain from teasing, as long as it was believable. But during your middle school period, you realized you were all wrong. It’s just an unfair life. People only accept what they want to hear and want to see, but that doesn’t make it right. As the same thing goes for your being. Your mom tried to force you into a direction and all you can do is pretend to be closely to it, but it doesn’t really fit with the puzzle. So you also strongly feel like you haven’t been yourself at all, that you weren’t really alive and you couldn’t develop your you. You even started regret distancing from people, not listening to them, but no one wanted to be in your neighborhood. So you decided to change a little and become more honest and social.
The problem is what happened to you traumatized you. You had developed this sort of fear, causing you to keep distancing yourself from people anyway. You could never find the right words when you spoke with someone random for something random or you’d just feel you couldn’t trust the person in front of you, because who knows what he might do or tell your mom and then the whole loop would start over. You hated to be teased too, but that didn’t really happen on middle school either. People just kept distance. Of course your words sounded a bit harsh too. Your life was mainly trouble.
Still two people decided to be with you through the years. You’re glad that happened. You liked them, but in the last year on high school they seemly distance themselves from you as well. You felt betrayed.
There was this one girl you had a crush on, but never dared to go to or speak to or even look at. The problem was she was a lot of people’s crush, a beauty and a cheerleader. Even though you guessed she wasn’t your type, she started seeing you after graduation and thanked you for giving her space. Apparently she liked you too. Too bad she betrayed you on your twentieth, just when you had bought a ring for her.
You didn’t really mind those betrayals, they are just add-ons, more reasons for you to continue the project you started working on during your second year high school. You needed a way out of your life, things are just a constant pain. You were glad you could live on yourself when you got eighteen, but you felt it wasn’t enough. You were right… A lot more things happened which you regret. For years you have wondered, you can’t even recall for how long, why you were born. Why like this and why in this life in this form with this face? You were never sure, but you felt like something was wrong. You felt like if your life was okay, if your mother was normal and if you had a social well status you’d probably be happy with your life, but as time passed you were doubting that was possible. You shouldn’t have been born with them at all, was your conclusion.
After high school, you went to college and after wards got a job. Your only friend was science and logic and of course the project. You forced yourself to become smart, to study science and become a nerd, all for the sole purpose of finding a way to escape life and develop the Nanoprobes. As you did all that and time passed, your social problems faded. What was left was a deep scar, that makes you a bit harsh to others even if you don’t want to. Still, now that you have a working project, now that the project is active and your plans seem to take full effect, now that you are finally able to escape your life, you feel like you can forget everything completely.
No you don’t doubt the choice. Your country, your neighbors, your contacts, everyone you knew they all abandoned you. If not worse, they just rubbed it all in. You strongly feel that way. Getting out of this town is something you have been wanting to do. Getting out of the states is even better. Getting out of your life, awesome. Getting out of your body and obtaining a different one, excellent. Becoming something entirely different with a different past and yet still being able to life, perfect!
It would probably be weird for a while, knowing there are differences between male and female humans, but you think it’s something you can get used to. You’d probably enjoy it even, mainly because it’s not the old you and who knows, maybe there are lots of more things you’d like. Becoming a woman who is French speaking, that idea makes you dream. You think you’ll enjoy it on many levels and you haven’t even thought of the sexual parts. Strangely you prioritize a lot of other things, but now that you start thinking about it slightly, you can’t help but to start to feel a little bit exited on that level as well.
You honestly don’t know what to do at the moment, there are so many things you want to try. One thing you do know for certain is that you can’t wait to open your eyes and try out your new body, your new voice, your new life.
-An … life-  indicates the next chapter needs to be written. |
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