The scene fades from black to a view of a port overlooking the sea, where a man walks into view. He’s in his thirties, sporting a blue-gray shirt, stubble, slick hair, and a slightly menacing grin, almost betraying the depravities he has planned. “Welcome to Camp Wawanakwa, somewhere in Muskoka. I’m your host, Chris McLean, dropping the latest season of the hottest reality show on television today,” introduced the show’s host. “Here’s the deal,” he continued as the camera tracked him walking down the dock and taking in some lovely background views. “You’re all familiar with the show’s original formula, right? We take a bunch of teens with wild personalities and run them through a gauntlet of humiliating challenges for my sick amusement. Also yours, hehe. Then there’s the elimination ceremony, someone gets sent home, and blah-blah-blah. You know the drill… except you don’t.” He held up a wagging finger while looking suspiciously pleased with himself.
“This season, we’re changing the formula yet again,” Chris continued. “We’re borrowing from Ridonculous Race to have returning contestants partnered in pairs, but not with each other,” he ominously chuckled. “Our primary contestants will be partnered with… shall we say, assistants, who are here entirely of their own free will, just like the interns.” Chris noticed an intern throwing chum into the water in the background, only for a shark to spring out and grab him, so the host quickly stepped to block the camera’s view. “These assistants will not only be pivotal in the challenges, but it’ll be up to the contestants to take responsibility for their care. Feeding, bathing, and all-around upkeep will be the sole duty of their contestant partners. A poor assistant will likely be a poor-performing assistant, after all, hehe. And for an extra layer of challenge, following each elimination ceremony, only the primary contestants will be expelled, leaving the assistants to switch to a new contestant of their choosing. This can be either a boon… or a burden. Who can say? Mwa-ha-ha-ha!”
Chris wiped a tear from his eye. “Man, I love this job. Anyway, if you’ve been following the clues we’ve laid in the ads, you’ve probably already figured out the big twist, but I’d rather save the reveal for our returning victims. Oh, and here they are now,” Chris said, holding a hand above his eyes as an off-screen boat blew its horn. “Anyway, let’s welcome back some familiar faces before meeting our special new guests, right here on Total… Drama… Tiny Terror Island!”
***
Cue the title sequence.
Chris walked onto the dock as the boat arrived, smiling to show off his perfect teeth while waving to the camera. “Welcome back. I know you’re all eager to meet this season’s cast. This game’s contestants were chosen by popular vote from previous seasons. Not surprising that all of these familiar faces are from before season five, but let’s get to introductions. First, we have Izzy.”
“High, everyone!” the eccentric orange-haired girl cheered, skipping down the ramp, only to tumble, seemingly smashing her face and landing with her face down and ass up.
“Get used to seeing that position,” Chris deviously chuckled. “Then we have my favorite power couple, Heather and Alejandro.”
“Stay out of my way, dirt bag, or I will end you!” Heather growled, elbowing the pretty boy aside. The popular girl lost all concern for anyone seeing her mean side the moment her competitive nature kicked in. At least her long hair had finally grown back to its season-one length.
“By all means, ladies first,” Alejandro suavely allowed, gesturing for Heather to move ahead as he still valued his reputation. “I have no problem letting such a maiden take the lead.”
“Thank you.”
“Especially knowing how Chris loves his booby traps,” Alejandro teased.
Heather sneered, but her pride wouldn’t let her falter as she carefully watched her steps. Luckily, there was nothing, but she still hated how her rival won this one.
“Then we have Gwen, Duncan, and Courtney, my favorite love triangle,” Chris continued.
“I’m starting to fear I might be a masochist,” grumbled the goth girl as she descended the ramp. “Why else would I keep coming back?”
“Because you miss me?” Duncan suggested with a smirk, only to yelp when a familiar figure tugged on his nose ring and brought him face-to-face with his freckled (sort of) girlfriend.
“Keep those eyes where I can see them, mister. I’m not letting you out of my sight after what happened last time,” Courtney threatened, unknowingly turning Duncan on. Then she shot a murderous look at Chris for deliberately prying open old wounds, but the host merely chuckled and waved for them to continue.
“Next, we have Owen and Lashawna. Glad to have you guys back.”
“It’s great to be back, Chris!” Owen cheered, throwing his fatty arms up in the air and jumping for joy, his immensity shaking the dock. “Hehe, sorry.”
“I’m with Gwen. I might need to see a therapist about why I keep comin’ back here,” Lashawna warily added, only to smile at her old friends. “Better yet, maybe I jus’ need to find better ways to get in touch with you guys.”
“Then there’s Dawn, Anna Marie, and Zoey, the only contestants from beyond season three,” Chris continued.
“Man, it’s not gonna be the same without the guys here,” Zoey said, anxiously rubbing her arm. However, a few whiffs of the familiar island air helped kindle the redhead’s inner survivalist, helping to calm her nerves as she readied for battle. Then she began coughing after inhaling too much hairspray.
“Girl, get the hell out my way! Mama’s here to win big and look gorgeous doin’ it,” Anna Maria declared, shoving ahead as she sprayed her hair. The bag hanging from her shoulder clinked as she walked, filled mostly with more spray cans.
Dawn lingered on the boat as she inhaled the spray-free air. Looking upon the island, her fellow players, and the nightmare monster once more playing host, the pale blonde girl sighed. “Chris, I know you’re scheming something evil. Are a few fleeting moments of attention from strangers really worth corrupting your soul to such an extent?”
“Says the girl who came here for money, just like everyone else,” Chris smirked as he shot back.
“Touché,” Dawn conceded as she joined the others.
“Next are Bridgette and Lindsey, easily the most popular blonde babes from the first seasons.”
“Aww, I really wish Beth were here,” Lindsey bemoaned, head hung low yet unable to see her feet beyond her enormous breasts. “Who am I gonna stand next to so I can look prettier by comparison?” She blinked and stood straight. “Uh, no one heard that, right?”
“Oh, they definitely did,” Bridgette replied as she walked ahead. Then, when the surfer girl caught her fellow blonde staring at her with unsettling interest, she added, “If you even think about substituting me for Beth, I may have to take some scissors to let the air out of those knockers,” she firmly threatened.
Lindsey tilted her head in confusion. “You want to scissor? Huh, I didn’t know you swung that way.”
Bridgette said nothing and kept walking.
“And lastly, we have Cody, thankfully minus his stalker.”
“Are you sure about that?” asked the short, boyish-looking teen, warily looking around. “She has a nasty habit of popping up where I least suspect.”
“Don’t worry,” Chris assured. “We have it taken care of.”
The camera cuts to a featureless cement room where Sierra is gagged and bound to a chair with chains. The metal whines under the strain of her escape attempt.
“Now that we’ve met our contestants, let’s not beat around the bush,” Chris continued as he addressed the assembled teens. “You’re all here to compete for the million, but you won’t be doing so alone. You’ll be accompanied by assistants. Think of them as your own personal interns to do with as you like. However, unlike actual interns, the assistants are vital to your progress. If your assistants don’t finish the challenge with you, you lose. If you lose your assistants for 48 hours, you’re not disqualified, but you are ineligible from invincibility during the bonfire ceremony. Further, while assistants are vital to completing tasks, they have minds of their own, also unlike interns. Hehe. If you mistreat your assistants, they may sabotage your efforts, so practice your people skills.”
“Why’d you look at me while saying that?” demanded Duncan.
“More rules will come as the game progresses, but for now, we’re keeping things relatively simple,” Chris continued. “For instance, the first three challenges will be rewards, not elimination. I pitched this season as emphasizing how you guys get along with your assistants, so feel free to lower your guards, get complacent, and ‘get to know’ your new friends, hehe,” he said as though offering candy from a white, windowless van. “Anyway, your first challenge will be simple. Here, take your pick.” Chris pulled out a box full of plastic eggs colored gold and green, smiling deviously at his victims’ unsuspecting faces. “You must race around the island without letting any harm come to your egg. Each color designates your team.”
Heather sneered at how she and Lashawna had green eggs. “Why couldn’t you tell us that before?”
“Where’d the fun in that be?” Chris rhetorically asked. “The winner from each respective color will be the official team leader… for as long as that holds entertainment value. Also, if you’re dissatisfied with your current teammates, you can trade. However, the eggs designate your assistant for the rest of the show, and once you cross the finish line, the assignment is settled. Also, you may notice that each egg has descriptions for your prospective assistant, so feel free to let that influence your judgment when trading. Now, let’s all line up for the first challenge of Total… Drama… Tiny Terror Island!”
“Are you going to do that every time?” Gwen groaned.
“Does it annoy you?”
“A little.”
“Then maybe.”
Gwen sighed. “I should have seen that coming.”
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