You are a short, lanky 13 year old half Japanese girl named Mia. You are sitting in your room in your mom's house playing Pokemon on your Gameboy. Your room is filled with magazines about video games and guns. Your closet is full of black baggy pants and shirts. You still have a box of toys from your childhood filled with toy trucks and Legos. You've been meaning to get rid of your old toys because you're too old, but want to hold onto because you have fond memories of them.
You are a tomboy, you never liked the idea of being a girl. When you were younger you refused to play with dolls your grandparents would give you for your birthday and Christmas. You remember when you were four years old and just able to talk you tried to tell your mom your true identity, that you were really a 19 year old boy who saw her at the pool and wondered what it would be like to live another life. You remember your mother thought it was strange that you could articulate such a clear thought at such an early age, she dismissed it as whimsical pretending. You persisted in telling her about your past throughout your youth, telling her about details of your old life. At one point, one day on a weekend when you were five, she followed your directions to your old parents house, while you told her details about your family that lived there, she didn't get out of the car to stop to talk to them. You thought it was strange that she would entertain the idea of your so called fantasies, but she thought it was interesting that your stories were so specific and everything you said was verifiable and matched reality.
You wanted to know what happened to your old body and to reach out to your old parents. When you were in 2nd grade you had to write a letter for class, so you wrote it to your old family, claiming you were doing it for a class and you wanted to send a letter to a random house to learn about who lived in that house. Your teacher surprisingly approved of the plan and thought it was interesting. To your surprise you found out that you got a reply from your old mom, Kathy who said that it was very nice that you were doing this for a class, but that her family affairs were a secret and would not send them to someone she did not know. That was very much like your mom you thought, very security conscious. You never knew what happened to your old body, if it was occupied by someone else or what.
In elementary school being a tomboy was not an issue, but when middle school came around you were teased, you became an outcast, so you buried your self into school and got very good grades. This made your mom happy but you felt lonely. You thought that you could make your self more feminine, but you didn't like the idea of doing that, it would feel embarrassing and wouldn't match your identity.
Now you were a freshman in high school. Your mom, Charlotte, was an electrical engineer at Entel, the computer chip company. She was very smart, at 28 she was a lead engineer. She had a 32 year old boy friend named Eric.
You felt very intrigued about Eric, he had nice features you appreciated, trim body and a clean defined jaw line. When he came over to visit your mom your heart would beat faster, you would smile at him and want to sit at the table with him and listen to your mom and him talk. You wanted to hear what he had to say, when he would ask you a question you would smile and giggle and forget what to say. You felt like a dork when this happened.
You started to feel these feelings around boys at school. One boy named Quentin intrigued you. He was in your algebra class. He had a muscular body, clean jaw line and always wore a baseball cap. He was cleaver, he would always get the last word in joking with his friends. You thought it would be nice to talk to him, but the idea made you squeamish. You felt your stomach sink and your legs get weak at every notion of the idea. You would fantasize about getting close to him one day and leaning your head up against his chest, he would put his hand on your shoulder and breath down your neck. You would fantasize about feeling calm and secure in that situation and would relax, pressing your body against his.
The thoughts took you by surprise. You would think in this direction then wonder if that was really you thinking that or your body. You would think more deeply about the idea of men, each time being more comfortable with the idea. Is that actually me or my body you wondered. This is about the time in your bodies life for this to be happening. You noticed changes in your body. Your hips were widening, you chest started developing small bulges under your nipples, they felt sore, and you were starting to get hairs between your legs. Your body is definitely maturing you thought. You weren't sure if you wanted to accept these changes. They made you uncomfortable because you still thought of your self as a man trapped in a girls body.
Now you had thoughts and fantasies about men that you never had before. Does that make me a gay man or a straight woman? You thought about this. Can I really consider my self a man and like other men? Would this body of mine let me keep my identity as a man or will I have to give that up? This conflict was something I couldn't reconcile in my head any longer. Should I give in to this bodies urges and accept that I am fully female, or should I try to reject them and try to hold onto my identity as a man?  indicates the next chapter needs to be written. |
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