From the rear left side of the stage walks a tall thin man in a blue-gray trench coat, the foot steps of his black knee high boots snapping crisply above the low muttering from the audience. Gloves of red leather with wide cuffs stretching half way up his forearms were matched by a world war one era leather aviator’s helmet, complete with white goggles worn high up on the forehead. The protruding chin was balanced by an equally protruding nose. His thin lips were drawn back in a wide smile, showing of a set of perfectly even teeth while the narrow beady eyes looked at the audience in a calculating, almost predatory manor. As he sized up the assembled throng he used the finger and thumb of one hand to twist and curled the end of his pencil thin handlebar moustache. His first words were directed not at the waiting assembly, who were not listening in any case, but at his companion; a dog of indeterminable lineage that walked beside him, clad also in an aviator’s helmet and wearing a red scarf. “Well Muttley”, the man sneered confidently, “According to whatever rules they they have in this place, all we need to do is sing one little song and we’re free to leave. Then we can get back to catching that insufferable little pigeon for the General.” The only response from the dog was a sort of rasping laugh.
Before anything further was said there was a bright flash from the right hand side of the stage, and in the dark afterglow the audience could make out the shape of a slim cloaked woman. As she walked into the spotlights they could see she was dressed in a dark purple sleeveless body suit. What most in the audience had, at first, assumed to be a cape, was revealed instead to be long light brown hair that reached all the way down to the tops of her dark purple ankle boots.
Walking over to where the other two stood in the center of the stage she peered critically through the yellow lens of her sunglasses at them. I"It looks," she said in a soft voice, "as though this song is for three parts. Mind if I join you?"
“Not at all my dear,” spoke the man in a smooth voice, "not at all. Muttley and I would be delighted to have you join us, isn’t that right, Muttley?”
What Muttley said in response was an un-intelligible mutter, but the man ignored this as he continued. “I don’t believe we’ve been properly introduced my dear. I am Dick Dastardly, and my diminutive cohort here is known as Muttley.”
“Dastardly and Muttley, how interesting.. " The woman paused for a moment, evidently thinking, then spoke “You may call me Darcy”
“Darcy.” Repeated Dastardly, clicking his heels and inclining his head in a formal greeting. “We are pleased to make your acquaintance.”
“And I, yours. Would you by chance be any relation to Dastardly and Muttley of the famous Vulture Squadron?”
“One and the same, my dear,” Dastardly smiled “One and the same.”
“Yea!” muttered Muttley “Rick Rasterdly”
Dastardly surreptitiously aimed a kick at Muttley, then continued. “I take it you have heard of us?”
“Of course. No other squadron can boast of such an impressive record. I believe you shot down something like one ship, one train. a gas station, 182 aeroplanes, and 3 balloons!
“Ah ah ah,” said Dastardly, waving a correcting finger, “two balloons and a Zeppelin!”
Any further conversation was interrupted by the hiss of enormous speakers as somewhere back stage a jukebox came to life. The three stared about the stage for some clue on what was to happen next, then spotted a ribbon of words hovering in mid air directly in front of them.
After a glance at each other, Darcy and Dastardly begin to sing along to the words, while Muttley mutters along in tune.
DASTARDLY, DARCY, AND MUTTLEY
"Kidnap Mr. Sandy Claws"
DASTARDLY
"I wanna do it"
MUTTLEY
”yeah-yeah-yeah..."
DARCY
"Jack said we should work together
Three of a kind"
DASTARDLY, DARCY, AND MUTTLEY
"Birds of a feather
Now and forever
Wheeee
La, la, la, la, la
Kidnap the Sandy Claws, lock him up real tight
Throw away the key and then
Turn off all the lights"
DARCY
"First, we're going to set some bait
Inside a nasty trap and wait
When he comes a-sniffing we will
Snap the trap and close the gate"
DASTARDLY
"Wait! I've got a better plan
To catch this big red lobster man
Let's pop him in a boiling pot
And when he's done we'll butter him up"
MUTTLEY
"Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh"
DASTARDLY, DARCY, AND MUTTLEY
"Kidnap the Sandy Claws
Throw him in a box
Bury him for ninety years
Then see if he talks"
DARCY
"Then Mr. Oogie Boogie Man
Can take the whole thing over then
He'll be so pleased, I do declare
That he will cook him rare"
DASTARDLY,DARCY, AND MUTTLEY
"Wheeee"
DASTARDLY
"I say that we take a cannon
Aim it at his door
And then knock three times
And when he answers
Sandy Claws will be no more"
DARCY
"You're so stupid, think now
lf we blow him up to smithereens
We may lose some pieces
And then Jack will beat us black and green"
DASTARDLY,DARCY, AND MUTTLEY
"Kidnap the Sandy Claws
Tie him in a bag
Throw him in the ocean
Then, see if he is sad "
DASTARDLY AND DARCY
"Because Mr. Oogie Boogie is the meanest guy around
If I were on his Boogie list, I'd get out of town"
MUTTLEY
"re'll re so reased ry rour rucress
rat re'll rerard rus roo, rye ret "
DASTARDLY, DARCY, AND MUTTLEY
"Perhaps he'll make his special brew
Of snake and spider stew
Ummm!
We're his little henchmen and
We take our job with pride
We do our best to please him
And stay on his good side"
DARCY
"I wish my cohorts weren't so dumb"
MUTTLEY
"Ri'm rot ra rumb run"
DASTARDLY
"You're no fun"
DARCY
"Shut up"
DASTARDLY
"Make me"
DARCY
"I've got something, listen now
This one is real good, you'll see
We'll send a present to his door
Upon there'll be a note to read
Now, in the box we'll wait and hide
Until his curiosity entices him to look inside"
MUTTLEY
"ren re'll rave rim
run, ro, ree"
DASTARDLY, DARCY, AND MUTTLEY
"Kidnap the Sandy Claws, beat him with a stick
Lock him up for ninety years, see what makes him tick
Kidnap the Sandy Claws, chop him into bits
Mr. Oogie Boogie is sure to get his kicks
Kidnap the Sandy Claws, see what we will see
Lock him in a cage and then, throw away the key"
As the accompaniment faded away the three performers took a bow. Before they could do anything else their images began to dissolve into bright patterns of light and then fade out. The last thing the audience heard was “Drat, Drat and double drat Muttley, I wanted to get her number.”
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