“You wake up in the morning thinking ‘Feels like nothing can go wrong’. Tell me, what are those days like? With a life like mine, and my line of work, EVERTHING can blow up in my face. Sure it grows back, but there’s not much improvement in my humble opinion. Now you might be, or better be asking yourself ‘How can anything best the almighty Deadpool?’ First of all, knock it off, no one likes a brown nose, but to answer your question, well when you have a bunch of supervillains dressed in hero tights chasing you down and they all work for the Green Goblin, that can really puts a damper on your day.” Deadpool finished, while continually running for his life as the ‘Avengers’ were hot on his trail. He didn’t have the whole roster after him, but that still left Venom, ‘Ms. Marvel’, ‘Wolverine’, and Captain Marvel hot on his trail. He had managed to evade them for this long, but they destroyed his ride, forcing him to run for his life through the streets of Manhattan, all while bystanders cheered for the Avengers to take him down, both because of Deadpool’s reputation, and the fact that these idiots wouldn’t know a real hero if it bit them on the ass.
“My thoughts exactly.” After the self aware Merc read what I just typed, Deadpool finally got back on the offensive and tossed a grenade at a taxi, just as the driver ran out screaming since they were all heading straight for him. Everyone else vacated their cars as well, and while the rest of the Dark Avengers halted, Captain Marvel was so sure he could catch Deadpool, that he charged at him, only to not only get caught in the explosion, but to have the rest of the car smash into him.
“I won’t bore you with the details on how I got into this, kids; you gotta buy my books if you wanna know, but I do want to ask you something? Why the hell is everything so fucked up right now? Most of the mutants of the world lost have lost their powers, superheroes are illegal now, cap got shot, and do I even need to remind you guys of what happened to Spidey? For that matter, thanks to the Skrull, Stormin’ Norman is the biggest thing since Viagra. What, do people think his super power is using guns? They better not, because that’s my schsti-!” while Deadpool rambled and the background repeated like the Flintstones, he finally ran into the side of a building and promptly fell to the ground. However, as the Dark Avengers caught up with him, and Wolvie jr. pointed out that he’s talking to himself a lot more than usual, Deadpool’s eyes suddenly popped open, and kicking himself at angle against the building sent him spinning, while he held his swords out.
“Wheel! Of! Fortune!” with each word, Daken’s legs and then an arm as he fell were sliced off, leaving the little whiner immobile. Unfortunately, Deadpool then dropped his swords as Venom grabbed him and slammed him up against the building, telling him “Funny, but what you’re about to get is a lot worse than the hook.”
“Uh oh, how am I gonna get out of this one?” Deadpool asked you. However, Venom paused as he looked in the direction his food had just spoken to, and now confused and irritated, began using his other hand to try and crush Deadpool’s head while shouting “Why do you keep doing that?! Who are you talking to?! There’s no one there!”
“You poor deluded soul.” Venom suddenly felt something press into his stomach, and upon looking down, got to watch the Merc with the Mouth pull the trigger on a flare gun. Naturally, he burst into flames and shrieked in pain, stumbling back and really freaking out Ms. Marvel. She sighed and pouted, telling herself “Guess it’s up to me,” but when she turned back around, Deadpool was gone. Fortunately, he had escaped into the safest place imaginable; a cramped alleyway that was only a few feet away.
“Hold it right there.” So much for tip toeing; Deadpool turned around, and now was not the least bit worried about who he was about to fight “Oooh, Moonstone. I’m so scared. Please, I’ve met Squirrel Girls scarier than you.” Seriously, he has. Ms. Marvel however responded by igniting her fists with energy, ready to tear this loud mouth a new one.
“You must have really low self esteem. The real deal gets a thing for the webhead, so you come after me. You know, some idiots are already calling me the poor man’s Spider-man. You’re not exactly helping my image lady.” He told her. At this point, Moonstone decided to forgo blasting and instead flew at him head on, wanting nothing more than to punch the mouth that would never shut up. As soon as she was about to though, he vanished.
“Huh?!” Moonstone came to a screeching halt, just long enough for Deadpool to reappear behind her and whisper in her ear “Not that I don’t think you’re cute.” She in turn flipped around and fired, but he had already teleported and at her side said “but I like girls-“ he had to teleport again and now behind, slapped her on the right ass cheek “with a little more meat on their bones.” This time, just as she was turning, Deadpool pistol whipped her and that sent her to the ground.
“You guys probably forgot I could teleport, didn’t ya? It’s one of the only things Wolvie’s movie got right about me.” While he rambled to the reader, before she passed out, Ms. Marvel managed to get in one last energy blast, which sent a screaming Deadpool crashing into a pile of boxes that someone had left in the alley. They all came crashing down on him, but once he managed to sit back up, he asked the obvious question “Who keeps piles of boxes around?!”
“Oh, don’t you talk about my boxes. I like boxes!” some guy wearing a nerdy shirt with a pocket pouch, although I’ve never seen him write anything down, glasses, and wearing a Power Glove told him after appearing out of nowhere. He then just walked away like nothing happened, and Deadpool again asked the obvious “Who’s writing this?”
While pushing some boxes away so he could get back up, and wondering why he couldn’t write the jokes, one of them accidentally opened as it fell, revealing the Infinity Gauntlet! Yep, the very same worn by Thanos was now sitting at Wade Wilson’s side. After his eyes stopped bugging, he promptly picked it up and said “And it just so happened to be here. Seriously dude, you are just lazy.” After critiquing my writing skills, he then realized that he was now holding one of the most powerful objects in the universe and of course put it on “Of course, I could grow to like you.”
“With this baby, I change all of reality, and you kids at home better believe that it’ll be an improvement from all this crap. I’m gonna do something I always wanted to do, something so huge that it’ll be unstoppable, something that once done, can never be undone.” With an evil laugh, he held the gauntlet into the air as it started to glow, and the flash engulfed everything there was to engulf.
“Huh, whazzit…whoa, uh, how come I’m seeing all these shots of Manhattan…Sweet Gee Whiz, where’s my body!...Oh I get it, I’m the disembodied narrator. Well, time to sit back and watch the fruits of my labor.”
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