"As you all know," Bender began, "it has always been my lifelong dream to become a great chef..." "Don't remind me," Fry groaned. "I'm still recovering from last week's 'Dumpster Surprise.'" "What're you griping about?" Bender replied, a tad irked. "You still got all your organs, right?"
"BENDER!" the Professor shouted. "Ask the damn question while I'm still alive to hear it! So make it fast!" "All right, already!" Bender snapped. "What if I was the greatest chef in the universe?"
The Professor pulled the lever...
**********
"Slop's on, everyone!" Bender bellowed as he rang the dinner bell. "And so's lunch!"
The crew groaned and moaned as they reluctantly trudged into the dining room. Upon entering, however, they were astonished to see a delicious-looking buffet covering the table! "Something's wrong here," Leela said. "This actually looks like food." "Yeah, what gives, Bender?" Fry asked. "Did you rob a soup kitchen again?" "Nah, they locked the doors this time," Bender replied. "I made all this myself! You guys enjoy while I get dessert started!"
With that, the robot headed back into the kitchen, humming to himself. The crew looked at their meals with mouth-watering trepidation. "So..." Leela said, "who takes the first bite?" "Well, according to your employee contracts," Hermes started, pulling out a thick stack of papers, "section 42, subsection 7-G, paragraph 1138, line 867.530-9 states that in the event of the staff being served potentially lethal food or drink, the employee who queries about which of the staff members in attendance shall test said food or drink must test it him-or-herself. In other words: Get to chowin', ya one-eyed lab rat!"
Muttering numerous vulgar and creative remarks about Hermes, his parentage, and his position on the evolutionary ladder under her breath, Leela speared a forkful of buggalo steak, closed her eye tight, and stuck the fork in her mouth. She chewed once...twice... Then her eye shot open so wide that for a brief moment it actually appeared to be larger than her skull. She frantically grabbed as much food as she could, heaping some onto her plate with one hand and shoving the rest into her mouth with the other.
Seeing as Leela hadn't dropped dead yet, the rest of the crew carefully tried bites of their own platefuls...and immediately joined Leela in gorging themselves as fast as they could. The food disappeared at speeds to boggle the imagination. When Bender emerged from the kitchen a half-hour later, the table was clean. Everyone was sitting back in their chairs, licking fingers and rubbing stuffed bellies. "Bender, that was amazing!" Amy said, burping a little as she spoke. "Indeed!" Zoidberg added. "I now know what it feels like to be full of things other than whatever that 'it' everyone keeps talking about is!" The Professor mumbled something incoherent about probability and drifted off to sleep.
"Bender, I don't know how the hell you became such a great chef, but you gotta into business!" Hermes said. "And with a certain handsome bureaucrat to organize things for you, you could be even bigger than Elzar!" "A chance to humiliate my greatest idol and get rich doing so?" Bender ruminated. "I'll do it!"
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