I was feeling kind of drowsy when I settled in to my seat in Mrs. Kent's algebra class, so imagine my joy when all classes were called to the gym for an assembly. I could find a spot back in a corner and zone out without missing anything important.
Little did I know what was in store for us.
It took half the period for all the students to fill up both sides of bleachers and to quiet down, so when the principal approached the podium in the middle of the basketball court he began hurriedly.
“I'll get right down to it, because we have a pretty monumental announcement to make and not a lot of time.
“I'm sure you're all aware of the recent scientific findings of Drs. Wentworth and Hojiko?”
He paused and scanned the assembled faces, finding nothing but blank stares looking back at him.
“They're the biologists-slash-nutrionists who declared everything we knew about diets was wrong? They were on the cover of Time last year? They've been mentioned in every single news program for the past eight weeks as their original findings were verified and accepted by the larger scientific community?
“Nothing? Not even your own science teachers have mentioned this in class, even offhand?”
More blank staring.
The principal sighed heavily.
“OK. If you want to know more about this, look it up on Google when you get home. I can't explain it all now, but Wentworth and Hojiko discovered that, essentially, obesity is healthy. More or less. The fear of excess fat has always been a mistake, because denying our bodies food when food is available causes undue stress that can express itself in high blood pressure, high cholesterol and even diabetes.
“According to their findings, our bodies know exactly how big they need to be to survive times of famine, and they don't go beyond it. Nobody ever eats just because they can, they only eat when their body needs it. Each person's body has a set point that, when they reach and attain it, keeps them at peak physical health. They may not be the most agile or mobile, but according to the findings lifetimes can be extended by as many as twenty or even thirty years with the optimum level of fat.”
Well that was surprising, I thought, and I wasn't the only one. The entire audience was waking up, with countless whispers being exchanged. And if it sounded too good to be true...
“No, this isn't a joke,” the principal protested, responding to someone on the other side who had shouted something. “This has been documented and verified in several trials.
“Which brings us to the reason for this assembly. In response to the findings, and the confirmation of them, the current administration has decided to make radical overhauls to public education and other spheres of the federal government's jurisdiction in the hopes of adjusting American life to this new understanding of health and fitness immediately.
“To that end, all physical education classes and extracurricular sporting activities will end after today. If you are on a school team, meet with your coach sometime today or tomorrow to return any equipment or uniforms.”
A few groans in response to that, but a lot of silent cheers.
“Also, and this concerns every student here so please give me your attention, there will now be a... new requirement for students. Replacing regular PE classes will be a new form of study hall, one that will take place in the cafeteria or, once renovations are done, here in the gymnasium. Which will become the second school cafeteria.
“During those periods students will have unlimited access to any food they desire, and they will be encouraged to take advantage of it because beginning next semester every student will need to eat at least 3,000 calories during the school day, as verified by any teacher or member of the faculty. This will be mandatory, as not only will you be graded on meeting the count every day, it will become a requirement for graduation.”
A lot of murmurs and conversations breaking out. The principal raised his voice as he kept talking.
“While the details have yet to be worked out and finalized, a system will be put into place to confirm that every student is meeting the new calorie requirement. I can tell you right now that the school's lunch program for lower income students will soon be expanded to all students, regardless of means, so no one will have an excuse not to be meeting the daily minimum count. And there are other plans being discussed and examined that will make hitting the magic 3,000 number even easier.
“This will be, to say the least, a radical change to our school, and I want to thank you all in advance for your patience and understanding, but most of all your willingness to adjust to the new system. As I said, the calorie count requirement will only go into effect next semester, so look at the next three months as a chance to... get into practice, I guess I should say? You'll all have time to adjust to the new system before it is completely in place, so try to get used to it now.”
And that was the end of the assembly. For the rest of the day there was no other topic of conversation at the school. We were being told to eat during study hall? To me that sounded awesome, and I knew a few others liked the sound of it.
Only a couple people asked how much 3,000 calories was. I wasn't one of them. I figured if I continued to let loose like I had with dinner and breakfast, I'd be hitting the number no sweat.
“Can you believe it, man?” Dmitri asked me when we were at Taco Pit after school. “We're going to be graded on eating. I never honor roll before, but now...” He patted his belly for emphasis.
I just smiled. Part of me, after thinking about it, thought this was all some kind of scam, or maybe it was a dream. I'd have to check online when I got home, see if there was anything about this Wentworth and Hojiko who had apparently been all over the news lately.
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