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My journey back after the loss |
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She was my best friend, not just my sister. I remember driving to school with her; she was a senior when I was a freshman. I remember waiting up for her when she went out. She was the first call I made when I lost my virginity. I laughed at her when I had to come into the bathroom and kill a spider to stop her screaming. I remember planning her wedding with her and mom, then being so upset that the wedding was six weeks after I gave birth to my oldest son; hormones. I fondly remember that new years night when we called the police because we thought we heard someone outside. Her husband ,an officer, responded with several other police vehicles only to find out it was gun fire; due to the holiday celebrating. You can imagine his dissatisfaction with us. I remember her removing my oldest sons father from the labor room right when I needed it. We shared the births of our children, all six of them, together. I will be the first one to admit that I did not see it unraveling until it was obvious way off track. I certainly did not see all of the outside influences that I now know were strong negativity working against us. How did I allow this? Me, the preacher of communication. I am convinced that jealousy is the most selfish act. My best friend (ex) not liking my sister. Both of our husbands creating a wedge that wasn't real. Who knew that the most damaging acts would come directly from our own mother? I lost 11 years with my sister and my nephews. Eleven years is a lifetime. Once I figured out the big picture I had to find a way to deal with it. I love my mom and I choose to believe she did not have malicious intent in her actions. I love my sister. I know it will take time to repair what we both have believed to be reality for many years, but I am willing to put in the time and effort to have her in my life; whatever that looks like. The hardest part of all of this has been how different I am from everyone else. I cannot ignore something until it goes away. The last thing I want to do is stew and build up resentment towards anyone. I decided I needed to speak my feelings to my mom. I did this for many reasons; I wanted her to know what I knew, I wanted to let go of the anger and I wanted to move past the hurt. Its unfortunate that I am so different from the rest of my family that they are unable to have those type of conversations. At this point - I need to do what helps me and my children. I love my parents, my siblings and myself, so I have aired my views, feelings, emotions and I am ready to put it behind me. I realize they won't do it as easily and I have come to terms with that. I refuse to hold onto that type of negativity within myself. There is an abundance of love and positivity in my world. My children are the loves of my life. My brother, even though we don't talk as much as we should, is someone I trust with anything and everything. My parents mean well and I need them in my life and my children's lives. My biological sister has a beautiful mind and sharing life with her makes me smile. My sister-in-law, who I love more than I could ever explain in words, is that little voice in my head (sometimes an angel, sometimes not lol) that keeps me on track. The friends that make themselves part of my life and support me unconditionally are my backbone, sometimes literally holding me up. Through all of these relationships I have found me, I am living as me, I am loving as me and I have found a love that by far surpasses any love I thought possible. I am thankful for these life lessons and vow to turn them all into the betterment of me. |
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