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April 12th Dear Diary, Cloud found the Jenova Witnesses’ (shmexy) hideout, and proceeded to re-kidnap all the children. His plan failed when Loz directed all 200 and something of them to sing the Happy Tree Friends theme. I led the on slaughter and danced. O! happy day! Kadaj /----------------------------------/ April 15th Dear Diary, Have discovered that Metal Chocoboes are NOT edible. Will have Yazoo slap me for not listening to him. Little children have successfully been baptized. We all sang a rousing chorus of “She’s Got the Whole Damn Planet in her Hands” in honor of Mother. Kadaj /-------------------------------------/ April 16th Dear Diary, Memo to self—teach youthful little children a new song. Happy Tree Friends are annoying the heck out of me. Yazoo slapped me. I slapped back. Yazoo asked why I slapped him, and I promptly told him I need no such reason for my actions. I'm His Holiness, the High Priest of Jenovaism, curses! Kadaj /--------------------------------/ April 17th Dear Diary, Have discovered that youthful little children have hunger needs. Sent Loz to the supermarket. Loz spent all the money on candy. Children rejoiced. Kadaj /------------------------------------------/ April 18th Dear Diary, Yazoo returned the children’s candy for more nutritional food. All candy bars were half-eaten. Have considered investing in a cook after Yazoo and Loz set fire to the kitchen. Kadaj /-----------------------------/ April 19th Dear Diary, Today we kidnapped a child named Marlene. She likes breath mints. She also apparently likes Cloud Strife. Crap. I suspect Cloud will visit again soon. Kadaj /--------------------------------/ April 23rd Dear Diary, Have decided to enlist someone to write me a theme song. Maybe Tim Rice would write me something. You know, not so mushy like Evita, but more… Rum Tum Tugger-ish. And nothing about Mother being in a box. Kadaj /-------------------------------------/ April 24th Dear Diary, Could not get a hold of Tim Rice. Decided to enlist the help of Loz instead. Loz is a twit, but he’s a twit who can sing in tune. Kadaj /---------------------------------------/ April 25th Dear Diary, Yazoo said that a theme song should not be on the top of my priority list. I told him he was just jealous. He threatened to run me over with our bikes. Kadaj /--------------------------------------/ April 27th Dear Diary, Never watch movies with Yazoo and Loz. We saw Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Yazoo would not shut up. Loz cried when the rabbit ate people. I found the movie pointless. Who cares about people in tights? Leather is so much sexier. Kadaj /---------------------------------/ April 28th Dear Diary, The little youthful children are getting antsy. The council of Jenovaism (Yazoo, Loz and I) have decided to try to make it snow so they can build snowmen. Time to show the superiority of Jenovaism. Kadaj /-------------------------------/ April 30th Dear Diary, The snow thing didn’t work. Yazoo said it was because it’s spring, and it doesn’t snow in spring. We decided to make fake snow out of Loz’s dandruff. What, you thought we couldn’t have flaws? Kadaj /-----------------------------/ May 1st Dear Diary, Children are getting mad at me. I told them it was not my fault that Loz wrote me a new theme song. One child, Denzel, pointed out to me that “My United States of Whatever” was not created by Loz. I beat Loz severely. Kadaj /---------------------------/ May 2nd Dear Diary, Have kidnapped more people. This time, they are teenagers. Teenagers are more prone to believing people with leather and silver hair. Yazoo pointed out that most of the teenagers were fangirls. I refused to let go of my new Jenova Witnesses. Kadaj /-------------------------------/ |
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