"A Problem Page For All!"

I had that meeting with Barbara today. I feel so utterly yucky and low about myself. I just can't seem to do well anywhere, albeit at the Elk restaurant.

She told me a bunch of things, such as that she's worried that I'm often confused or unsure of where things are or what the store terms are. She says that I need to have my hair up, apron and white deli shirt on before I come to work, be more on time, be more talkative to customers, move faster, pick up my pace, blah blah. I felt awful, even though I smiled and chatted and agreed.

Then I screwed up the meat and cheese case and stressed out Barbara majorly because I had to leave and she had to finish fixing it herself.

She said that people have talked to her about me -- that I was chit-chatting with Tommy and Kat when I was supposed to be working (were they behind the counter, watching my hands work while I talked? I don't think so!), that I used the forbidden back door, etc. It makes me really uncomfortable that this sort of gossip is going on, and that these people won't tell their complaints to my face.

Barbara says that she's giving me until Saturday to prove myself, that I want the job, that I can do it, that I'll pick up the pace and all that other stuff she told me. I'm really in turmoil over this, because I'm actually excited over the idea of being let go because then I can get my precious Elk cafe job back. But I would work far less in Elk than I do at Surf. I would work about 3 days a week at the cafe, and in the winter, nothing happens there. I don't think I could work there because tourism is so dead in winter. ARGGGHHH. I want to be let go of by Surf so I can work in Elk, where I love the job and can do whatever I want because the cafe is spastic and unorganized and there's no boss -- perfect for me -- but if I want a steady source of income I have to stay at Surf, being constantly watched and critiqued, with my self esteem suffering and having to force myself to seem enthusiastic and clued up about everything.

I feel like the worst person in the world! So ashamed and guilty -- I don't fit in with society. Mum insists that I'm an artist, and artists need their space, time, and independence in the work place. I need something that I can be my own boss with. I need flexibility, even disorganization. I just don't fit in at Surf.

I'm proud of being creative and funky and spacey , don't get me wrong, but I feel so bloody weak and stupid and timid and guilty and lame right now...

I seriously think that I can't work. I need to go live in the woods and be a cavewoman and, I dunno, eat berries and hunt deer, just be with nature and wander the world. I can't do this job stuff!

I could make so much money from translating, but guess what -- that's right, I have no money to go to language school!

I don't know why I'm making you guys read about my misery. I'm sorry! Thanks for reading...

"I've never had a humble opinion.
If you've got an opinion,
why be humble about it?"