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Rated: E · Message Forum · How-To/Advice · #516836
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Apr 21, 2003 at 7:01pm
#627931
Review of "Moving On" by DirrtySouth
This was an enjoyable read. I'm one of those people who only moved once as a child and twice so far as an adult. I applaud you for doing so well keeping it together as a child during it all.

This was very well written and I only have a few minor suggestions for you. Here they are:

1) I had the assumption that you were a little boy up until the mention of becoming a girl scout *Blush*. There was never a mention of a first name (which might not always help if it isn't an obvious female name) or a description that would make me think the writer was female (I think I assumed male because of the fights in school, the being told not to wrinkle dad's uniform...things like that).

2) You write: My parents reassured me, by telling me that I would make new friends and would be able to visit the old ones.
I don't see a reason for the comma.

3) You write:
I had really gotten into the swing of things. Do you really need really in there?

4) You write:
All my play dates lived in the same neighborhood asme. And I continued to exchange letters with Jesse and Sarah.
I would delete And just start the sentence with I

5) You write: I didn’t like my first grade teacher as much as I did my kindergarten teachers. In fact, I didn’t like her at all.
I would change as I did to as I had liked (keeping the same tense)


6) You write: At least my grades were good, despite my behavior. I made the honor roll.
I would change this to: At least my grades were good. Despite my behavior, I made the honor roll.

7) You write: Starting the second grade had a weird feel to it, because I was in the same school that I was when I was in first grade.
I would change that I was when to as when

8) You write: I think I held the record for my name being on the board the most. This just sounded a little awkward. How about something like I think I held the record for the number of times my name was written on the blackboard. That isn't quite it either, is it? hmmm...

9) You write: I had just started the third grade, and we were two weeks into the school year, when I got the news. I barely got a chance to know my teachers and classmates, when my parents sat me down for a talk. After being in Maryland for nearly three years, we were moving again.
Delete and, change the order of the phrases in the last sentence We were moving again after being in Maryland for nearly three years.

10) You write: I also realized that all this time I never thought about how this affected my mother, or even my father. could be: I realize now that in all that time.

Okay, enough nit picking. I think you did a great job writing this story and "nit picking" is what I had to do to find things to change *Smile*.

Thanks for submitting to "Sunni's Review &Edit - closedOpen in new Window.
Writing is an Expression of the Mind and Soul---Sunni17
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Review of "Moving On" by DirrtySouth · 04-21-03 7:01pm
by SnowyChicago Author IconMail Icon

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