Sunni's Review &Edit - closed

 (This message was edited by sunnygal136 on 04-21-03 @ 1:42 pm EDT)

I liked this piece, I can relate to the character and her wondering about the past of the object and imagining the world it inhabited. I like the way you connected everything.

I had a tough time editing this piece because I think what I'm doing is trying to change things to my style of writing. But, I will give it my best shot... if you totally disagree with things, let me know ok?

Here goes!

1) You write: Atop an old wooden shelf, in Ezra’s rustic antique shop, there sits an hourglass. Seated on her stool behind the counter, she gazes at the magnificent piece of work.
I think you need to change this to Ezra gazes because otherwise it sounds like you are referring to the hourglass.

2) You write:"I wonder who called it their own?" she asks herself, pondering its origination and former home.
The sentence sounds awkward to me and I would change originationto origin.
One suggested re-wording: "I wonder who it belonged to?" she pondered, thinking about its origin and former home.

3) You write: As her imagination runs rampant through her mind{c:red }, she envisions the hourglass stately mounted on the mantel of a fireplace. The glow from the fire illuminating its beauty quite delicately. As she wanders through the imaginary room , in her head she contemplates the grand people who live there.

You shouldn't need that first comma since it doesn't set off an independent clause beginning with "and" or "but", and it doesn't enclose a parenthetical phrase. (but you could use it just for a pause)
I would change stately mounted to mounted stately because it seems to flow better.
I would also change illuminating its beauty quite delicately. to illuminating its delicate beauty. - to tighten up the sentence and for flow.
In the sentence : As she wanders through the imaginary room , in her head she contemplates the grand people who live there. do you mean that the imaginary room is in her head? or that she is contemplating in her head? My preference would be to say that the imaginary room is in her head (so move the comma to after the word "head" - because we can assume that contemplation takes place in her head. (but that is just my style, again ).

4) You write: “Who did you belong to?” she whispers rhetorically to herself. The very question a voice from within often asks of her. Could the reason that is so obsessed with the hourglass and the history it holds is that her own life has held such a mystery. Having been orphaned at birth,she constantly searched for the same answers hidden within herself. Always imagining the people which had so selfishly created her, just to abandon her. Yet, as with the hourglass, the past was a secret she felt would never be revealed.
There is a lot of changing tense in this paragraph: present tense, perfect past, present perfect,etc... Could you make most of it, beyond the first sentence, just plain past tense? (I'm not sure that it is wrong the way you did it, it just jumped out at me when I was reading it so I thought I'd bring it up)

5) You write: . She was captivated by the glistening sand enclosed by the graceful contours of the opalescent glass. Make it active instead of passive by saying: The glistening sand enclosed by the graceful contours of the opalescent glass captivated her. It saves a word or two, too.

6) You write She remembered how that was the one artifact that she had been drawn to. It was as though she had been drawn to it by some magnetic force. Could be stronger if reworded to: She remembered how that one artifact had drawn her to it as if it possessed a magnetic force.

7) You write: Aimlessly through her beloved house, Josephine creeps. My style says it should be Josephine creeps aimlessly through her beloved house. Same type of thing here: Tightly she wraps her slender arms around her grandmothers thigh. I would say : She wraps her slender arms tightly around her grandmother's thigh.

Hey, wow! You rewrote the end since I printed out the story to edit. I like it! Good job!

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Writing is an Expression of the Mind and Soul---Sunni17