Sunni's Review &Edit - closed

This review is from "Sunni's Review &Edit - closed" 

I like this story, look forward to seeing it expanded after your contest.

I think you could improve the writing by re-structuring some of your sentences to be more precise and by using stronger verbs instead of adjectives.

Some examples/suggestions:

1) You wrote "Thalia Knight slowly walked out of the newly painted black SUV and swiftly went up the long, narrow staircase, without making a single sound."How about saying "slowly got out of..." instead?
You could also eliminate single - it isn't necessary.

My total rewrite of that sentence would be something like:
"Thalia Knight slowly got out of the newly painted black SUV and swiftly climbed the long, narrow staircase without making a sound."

2) You wrote: She slowly walked up to the entrance and peered through the gigantic, clear, glass windows. Well, the security certainly isn’t tight, she thought noticing the absence of metal bars and that there was no night guard. You could eliminate clear - the reader can safely assume it is clear by the rest of what you tell us.
the absence of metal bars and that there was no night guard. -feels awkward (see rewording below)

My total rewording would be something like: She glided up to the entrance and peered through the gigantic, glass windows . Well, the security certainly isn't tight, she thought, noticing the absence of both a night guard and metal security bars."

3) You wrote: “I was at the museum earlier this morning and ‘accidentally’ spilt my coffee on their controls for the alarm system, I think I damaged it enough,”
controls for the alarm system, - could be shortened to alarm system controls

4) You wrote: “I have my connections,” answered Carter as he carefully began to open the glass case in which the sculpture was held.
in which the sculpture was held.- might flow better as: which held the sculpture(I'm not sure if it should be "which" or "that" ...)

Last but not least, see what you can do to reword : . Although an hour really wasn’t bad time for them, actually it was a record for them. The only thing bad was that since this sculpture was particularly valuable they had to pay much more attention to it than they usually would.

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Writing is an Expression of the Mind and Soul---Sunni17