Crosstimbers Review Forum

Hi. Thanks for asking me to read this story. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "Shadows"   by Amethyst Agape Angel
Author {user:####}
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                           
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                           
What I liked best
I've had a frustrating couple of days--nothing major, just some hassles with technology that didn't work. In any case, this little story was just what I needed to make me feel better! So, thank you for this uplifting tale.

                                                           
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your story starts with the inciting incident, namely the arrival of Gladys. You orient the readers in time and place and name the characters. These are all evidence of good fundamentals.

I have a couple of minor tweaks. First, you might consider having Rosalie sitting in her wheelchair in the opening sentence, to establish that she's an invalid.

A bigger issue is the POV. Based on first couple of paragraphs, I thought Rosalie was going to be the POV character (I've even left in a now-pointless remark in the line-by-line comments). Eventually, it became evident that the King was the POV character. For this reason, I'd start with him acting/feeling/etc rather than Rosalie. At a minimum, he might have a reaction to her wheelchair, which is probably in the room although it doesn't make an appearance in the story until much later.

I'd also consider establishing in the opening the fact that he's been protecting her, or at least that she's a shut-in with him hovering over her. That's the main conflict of the story, so you might consider at least hinting at in the opening paragraphs.

                                                           
Plot
This is an awesome plot. It's got echoes of the Myth of the Cave, but it's also a tale of liberation and awakening.

                                                           
Style and Voice
I think you intend the King to be the POV character. His conflict with Gladys is the central plot of the story, and how he changes is what resolves the story. Indeed, it might even be a more powerful story if the change in Rosalie wasn't healing her physical infirmaty but rather healing her isolation. His realization that she was in Plato's cave and is now free is the whole point, right?

                                                           
Scene/Setting
Enough for staging. I almost always want more, and I'd say the same here. What the POV character sees and how he reacts helps to keep the readers in his head and reveals more about who he is and the conflict he's feeling.

                                                           
Characters
We've probably all got an Aunt Gladys. I know I had several. They were wonderful, and I miss them dearly. She's an iconic character, and well drawn. The other two characters are fully realized as well as being personifications of thematic elements of the story.

                                                           
Grammar

Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb. You know I'm adver-phobic, right?

                                                           
Just my personal opinion
THis was an uplifting story to read. THere are a few tweaks I might suggest, but it's a great read. Thank you for sharing!

                                                           
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                           
[I now realize the premise for this comment is incorrect, but I decided to leave it in because I was so sure that Rosalie was the POV character at this point.] The king rushed downstairs, out into the courtyard to meet her.My Comment: Did Rosali to with him? If not, then we've got a POV violation. If so, then "they" rushed downstairs, right? Unless you didn't intend to be in Rosalie's POV in the opening paragraphs…

"What a splendid room!" Lady Gladys exclaimed when they entered.My Comment: A mini time reversal here. She enters the room and then reacts. Action/ reaction sequences, in the proper order, help keep the story moving and readers in the here-and-now.

Gladys settled into a leather armchair in her brother's study. Leon, sitting at his desk, rested his chin in his hands, eyes closed.My Comment: I'd reverse the order again. Here we've got a scene break and a new location. The three centered stars indicate that, but it's better to immediately orient the reader in time and place.

Gladys sat back, her forehead rising in wrinkles. She looked long at her brother. He said quickly,

"It's the best thing for my Princess. I want her to be safe and happy."My Comment: I'd consider putting the paragraph break right after she looks long at him. He speaks in response to that look, so it belongs in a new paragraph. Also, note the adverb.

. Rosalie wanted to stop every few minutes to admire some new delight: a patch of dainty violets, a softly swaying young pine sapling, a doe and her fawn grazing peacefully in a sun-dappled clearing.My Comment: I'd consider at least one instance of showing her doing this instead of just telling us she did.


                                                           

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!



Max Griffin
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https://new.MaxGriffin.net