Writing Forum

Writing Exercise for the FSFS ▼

Hi Tobber

Here's my critique of your scene

Darek comes across well as a fastidious little chap who really doesn't like dirt and disorder. I like, too that he asked for a book, a weird thing to do in a bar and crazy enough to throw his target off the scent.

You did a pretty good job hitting the three points. There were a few instances of telling and filtering, though e.g -

He saved the situation by making it look like a lucky stumble My suggestion - He made it look like a lucky stumble.

Gods, how he hated to play the clumpsy (clumsy?) little Grelling. My suggestion -Gods! The sooner he could stop playing the clumsy little grelling the better.

He made an effort of showing how much he struggled to pull himself up, My suggestion - He made three show-attempts before heaving himself on to it

He had to stop his hands from reaching for the poisoned needles inside his sleeve. My suggestion- He itched to reach for the poisoned needles inside his sleeve. Instead, he turned to the perpetrator and smiled...

The place had gone graveyard quiet, My suggestion - Silence fell.


I was confused by this sentence - He nearly blew his cover having to dodge half a tankard of ale some drunk spilled as Darek moved between his legs. I think to make this sentence less confusing you need to put Darek's name at the beginning of the sentence and use he later where you've put his name.

There are a number of typos/spelling errors -

triping over the drunk's feet. Tripping

clumpsy little Grelling. Clumsy.

clientel. clientele

grapped his shirt gripped

The inkeeper Innkeeper

all of them sporting knives or battons battens

He let his arms drops drop

A punctuation error -

The innkeeper(')s face Missing possessive apostrophe.