Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

Kitt... I don't want to feel more. At worst, it seems like it would be totally debilitating. At best, it seems like it'd be a hassle. I'd prefer to just stay where I'm at. People have told me that I'm bound to feel again sometime... but I have pretty serious doubts about that. I've been like this for a long time now. Besides, unless I go all full-triggered because I got broadsided, I can shut down any feeling pretty fast. Like flipping a switch. It's just... gone. Since I have a bazillion things to do, that is very helpful.

Sugar-coating really isn't my strong suit. Like... I do try to do it sometimes now because I'm actively trying to recognize other people's feelings as like... a thing that matters? Still, I sorta resent having to do it at all. It feels gross to think in my head, "That's totally your own doing. Boo-hoo." and say out loud "Aaaw, that's a shame" or something. Can't say that I get a rush out of hurting people, since I either don't notice or don't care (they'll get over it or they won't, so there's not much to be done about it). Honest and practical is pretty much where I live. Nice to hear that someone can get behind that approach. It's the only one I've got, after all. It doesn't take much for me to become totally exhausted by trying to be even remotely "nice".

Jayne... I've had people ask if I was a med student before. Huh. Maybe that's why then. I am pretty quick to laugh and have fun... but that 'clinical' aspect takes hold as soon as things stray from 'fun' territory. It is what it is.

And seriously, why do people touch other people anyway? That's fucking weird. Like, I don't walk up and put my hand on someone's shoulder out of nowhere. Why? I have friends who I've known for years and never touched. Personal space, people. I hate being in a meeting and having someone nudge me or touch my arm to apologize for bumping my chair or anything like that. That is probably the stupidest one... "Sorry I bumped into you, let me show how apologetic I am by purposefully entering your space to touch your arm".