United in our Grief Forum.

You have my deepest condolences.

I too suffered from depression throughout my life; I am still fighting it on some level so I have an idea of how it feels. I had comforted my mother as we all watched my father become more and more sick. He was misdiagnosed with having pneumonia when he had lung cancer so bad, the surgeon had to remove 83% of his right lung. He survived five years before passing away of major heart failure. When my father passed away on April 8th 2013, I fell into a deep depression that nearly isolated me from the rest of the family. We too had long moments of silence that was maddening to us all. It took me over a year to come out of my depression which was when I started this forum.

I can only offer you words of thought from my own experiences:

First, do not blame yourself. Many who suffer from deep depression do not allow those feelings out into the open too often, I know this as I kept these thoughts secret myself. When dealing with my own depression, I felt the need to fight it on my own and that seeking help was a sign of weakness, of letting others down. These were my feelings at the time. I am better now but those feelings still rattle in the back of my mind leaving me with a few sleepless nights.

Second, from what you shared with us, you did everything you could to get your son help. As a parent, that is worth far more than you realize. Your son lost his battle to depression but not because no one was there to help him. Robin Williams suffered from a similar form of depression and was getting help from doctors and his family. Sadly, he too lost his fight with this crippling condition. Do not think that you failed your son, that will only draw you into depression yourself, he would not want that. He would want to see you strong, remembering the good times and the joys you had shared together.

To help us with the silence, we made a small memorial to our father in the dining room so that we all could feel a sense of his spirit always there with us. The small memorial is his ashes behind a picture of him with tokens we had bought for him while he was in and out of the hospital. On special occasions, we would talk about what made him happy or laugh, which brought us some comfort.

In closing, if you ever feel the need to talk to someone, email me. I will respond.

God Bless

Eric.