We Need to Have A Talk About Writing...

Comments and Observations:

Such happy fantasy! Now, who wouldn’t want to get a Pegasus or a Unicorn as a gift!

The strength of the story, aside from its plot and characters, is in the way it is written in a realistic style. The actions of the two kids, their lifestyle, their ways of speaking with each other are believable, except for the fantasy horses. I certainly understand the boy’s reluctance against horse manure. Who wouldn’t!

The reader gets to know the characters through their actions and speech. Nice job in showing, especially through entering the boy’s mind.

The description of the setting and the way it is inserted into the story is outstanding.

The dialogue is like that of any two kids anywhere and as such, highly credible.

The plot progresses in a chronological sequence, and the ending is on a happy note.

I enjoyed reading this story a lot.

Suggestions on the text:

*Bullet* standing next to Seya as she too looked on in awe.
Commas needed around the word ‘too’
standing next to Seya as she, too, looked on in awe.

*Bullet* “Unicorns are for girls lad and Pegasus
The address needs to be separated from the main clause.
“Unicorns are for girls, lad, and Pegasus

*Bullet* My chest swelled and my eyes roamed it’s wings furled against it’s body.
it’s: short for it is // its: possessive pronoun
My chest swelled and my eyes roamed its wings furled against its body.

*Bullet* “You know why I don’t mind mine doesn’t come with wings Jonnz?”
A comma’s needed to separate the address.
doesn’t come with wings, Jonnz?”

Best wishes with your work.