Writing Forum

Good morning, LSO. I read the story a couple of times. I believe it certainly worth submitting, for whatever that's worth. And by that I mean to say your opinion on that account, as well as anyone else's, is surely as good as mine. I believe it's well written. And I also think that's saying a lot because it appears to be a challenging piece of short fiction.

First of all, it appears to be a tricky bit of storytelling because it's first-person narration. That, in and of itself, isn't necessarily difficult. As a matter of fact, I would venture to say most of the stories we tell, day to day, year to year, to our friends when we sit around the pub, sipping IPA's and lamenting the stupidity of our fellow man---"You'll never believe the idiot that almost ran me off the road today when I was coming back from the grocery..."---are indeed first-person narratives.

But since your narrator and protagonist are one and the same, and since it is a clansman from another time and place, culturally unfamiliar to his audience, a foreigner telling his story to modern-day, earthbound readers, then I'd say communicating clearly, effectively, and concisely, with as few words possible, the tale of a cattle raid gone terribly wrong... well, that must have been quite trying. I mean, think about it, I could sit here at my office computer right now and tell you about my day yesterday in writing, and I could probably contain my tale to very few words and still get across to you, for the most part, all the joys and tears of it---uh, believe me though, it wasn't really that exciting. However, if I had to explain my day to someone from this cattle raider's clan, I'm betting I'm going to need more words than if I were to explain it to you or some other modern-day earthling who only gets to bask in the afternoon warmth of one, single sun.

Our worlds are very different, this clansman and I, that's all I'm saying. I ain't never been on a cattle raid, though I do live in Kentucky and cattle-tipping never goes out of fashion here in the Bluegrass state.

If your narrator was an earthling, like his audience, it would be easier. If the narration were done in third person, it would be easier still. But no, you took the hard road on this one. So, bravo, mi amigo, bravo.

Next, it is written in present tense, and that also makes it harder to pull off. Rarely are fiction narratives done this way, especially those in first person---and for good reason. Stories tend to be easier to package when events are viewed and described in hindsight. Conversely, stories told by a first-person narrator, describing events as they literally unfold before the narrator's eyes... well, that makes for interesting stream-of-consciousness narratives, often enough, but it can wreak absolute havoc on a writer's ability to manipulate time, to maintain suspense, to avoid diverging into minutia and small meaningless details. Why? Because we are whirling along on a ride with one, single character as they live-out their story. "So, now I'm brushing my teeth... and now I'm getting in the car to go to work... and now I'm pouring myself another cup of coffee... "

Anyway, I just realized I'm probably not telling you anything you don't know. Pshaw!! You wrote the darn thing, so I'm sure you are familiar with the unique challenges inherent in each of these narrative options.

But all of that being said above, I think you handled it brilliantly. And that's not just a pointless pat on the back--- Well, it might be pointless, but it's not false praise. It's a tricksy little piece of work, as Gollum might say, and you pulled it off.

I actually first read this story in the middle of the night last night. Got up about 4:00 a.m., couldn't fall back to sleep right away, sat down at my computer, came over to WDC, saw you had posted a reply, and so I read your story in a groggy half-slumber. And believe it or not, that was good thing. I didn't overthink my responses to it. It was more like reading poetry. Not that I didn't try to peruse it with a critical eye initially, but it was more as if I were experiencing it instead of reading it. My reactions were more or less impressions and sensations rather than tactile thoughts about it.

And that was good, as I said, because even in re-reading it this morning the story strikes me again like poetry. Why is that good and important? Because I think you will find no problem in cutting useless words once you step back and really begin to look for ways to do so.

Check it out...

Tonight we are men and we will not hold back if it comes to fighting.

The stark white beauty of her face makes me want to protect her, and I mourn the fact of her abhorrence.

Spark is quenched and the warm glow of Sol na Nua colors the world so that it fairly drips with vibrant life.


Okay, mind you, these are only suggestions---that may go without saying for some folks, but still, I like to say it.

So, first off, though I'm sure you've already done so, I would still go back through the narrative and try to eliminate any superfluous words. "That" is a good one to axe in just about all circumstances. Rarely is it truly needed, especially not when one is trying to cut their story to the bare bones for a word count. Yes, I overuse it---everyone does. And it is one of those words we simply overlook when de-weeding our literary gardens.


I crouch and spin away, as my angled shield taking the whistling steel up and over me.

I am shocked by what I see---it is no boy that struggling to rise, but a terrified girl.


Next, you might look for words to axe by rephrasing without losing meaning. Truthfully though, your story is already fairly tight, with not much room for condensing it further, I fear. I found very few places where it can be stripped down much more.

Finally, the title is fine, as far as I'm concerned. But then again, I don't really pay attention to those sorts of things. I'm all about the storytelling. But I'd say if it's really bothering you, enough so that you thought to ask for input, then experiment with some others. Does a title factor into word count? HA!! If so, make it a short one.

P.S...

One more thing I will mention, and it's my only harshly critical comment. Check out the following line...

For me battle moves at a snail's pace...

Really? At a snail's pace? This clansman from a planet with multiple suns, whose life and culture appear to revolve around tribe and cattle, he uses modern American-English clichéd idioms like, "...at a snail's pace?" Why wouldn't he think to himself or say something like, "The battle crawls like a newborn calf... " Or, "The battle creeps like a slowly stalking wolf pack... "

Meh, not that my suggestions are really that much better, but I am always thrown off---ripped sometimes right out of a story---when a character from another world, even one similar to our own with its cows and its spears and its princes and its ill-fated lovers, begins talking like one of my friends down at the bar. Again, just a suggestion, just something to think about.

Otherwise, I wish I could be of more help to you. But that's all I got. Good luck with it whatever changes and/or omissions you decide to make.