What's Your Story?

It wasn't until God called my daddy home to spend eternity in the promise land, frolicking amongst the angels just 3 yrs ago that my faith really began to grow, and once again I invited Christ into my heart. It had been 21 long years since my first attempt at this had taken place, so I wasn't surprised one bit that It was a much different experience this time. Not a day goes by that I don't feel God's presence in my life. Many times I fall short of his amazing grace, yet he is always there to soften the blow. So many times I forget to say my prayers, but u will never see him forget what it is I should have been praying about in the first place! Many times I make concious decisions not to live by his will, however; he continues to prove his unconditional love for me, and w that great love comes forgiveness and acceptance. Bottom line? His love WILL always prevail in my life without fault or fail.
After my dad's death... I spent a couple years working diligently on strengthening my relationship w God, however; a little over a yr ago my life took an unexpected turn that put my world into a bit of an uproar. That turn of events as well as many that have taken place since then, had caused me to reevaluate who I was, where I came from, what I believe in and where I belong, amongst many other things. Needless to say... My faith was compromised. Not 100%.... But I found myself disconnected from my faith; trying to walk through life on my own, living out my own plan instead of God's will. Then all the sudden my life took yet another hard hit. One that impacted my life in such a way that I found myself yet again reevaluating my entire life. As if I hadn't done enough damage the first time, this time I had completely lost my way. Life became so overwhelming that I literally felt I couldn't hang on for one more second, and so I laid down and gave up. I lost my job, I lost relationships w a few ppl that I cherish, I lost my faith, and I lost valuable time in my life that I can never get back.
The past 5 months, my life has been overcome by loss, and yes, I have spent far too long wallowing in it. However, as time has progressed, I have progressed. It's a working progress but progress none the less! I have made my family the center focus of my life. I have put tremendous effort into improving my relationship w my loving husband as well as my girls and I have also been working on trying to fix myself in alot of ways, but lately I have come to a road block. There are so many issues in my life that need resolved and I've finally come to realize that even when I put on my bravest face and come prepared in my toughest armour....I will never succeed w out Jesus Christ guiding me every single solitaire step of the way. I've only just come to this realization in the last few weeks, and as the need to have Christ at the forefront in my life once again has manifested .... I have increasingly sought out answers to many of the questions I have always had abt Faith, God and religion, and how it applies to me, my family and my life.
A couple days ago.... My 15 yr old said to me in the most genuinely concerned manner, "Mom, what if heaven isn't real? What happens to us? What happens if our souls just roam aimlessly around the earth after we die or if we are doomed to either earth or hell?" Hearing her ask me these questions was a painful reminder of what it felt like for me, to live this life lost...my heart hurt to know that my precious baby was struggling w the same questions I too struggled w for 31 years. It hurt even more that I couldn't give her the reassurance she needed. Although I have been blessed w the peace of knowing 110% that God is real and that when called opon, he will take us into his loving arms and allow our souls to roam free in eternal love, that we WILL once again be reunited w those we came to love during our time on earth and that we will know nothing but his amazing peace and love.....I believe w every fiber of my own being that the promise land exists and is every bit as majestic as it claims to be, but....how do I teach her in a way that helps foster her faith in God and helps her to achieve a healthy balance btwn being a good, god fearing, God worshipping and God loving believer? As her mother... I was tempted just to tell her that she should believe simply bc it's the right thing to do and of course....who knows better than momma anyway?!! I wouldn't be lying.... I mean I have no words to describe the peace that comes w knowing w out a doubt that there IS in fact a God who loves all of us crazy sinners even more then I love her (and we all know that the depth of my love for either of my girls should not be underestimated), that there is someone who will guide us through this crazy life and tell us exactly what to do so that we are never facing our journey's alone. That there is someone who loves all of us so much that he not only gave his life but is ready and waiting to take our pain and our burdens so that we do not have to bear them ourselves. Unfortunately.... It didn't happen for me either by simply hearing my mother say " Now now honey, momma says it's safe to let ur guard down and believe in Christ bc I SAID it's true." As I mentioned earlier...It didn't happen for me until I was faced w losing the man who gave me my name, who showed me right from wrong, who helped make me who I was and who showed me how to love unconditionally.... My daddy.
I couldn't even begin to fathom how I would ever go on w out my dad. I couldn't understand why, if there was really in fact a god....he would take my daddy from me at such a young age, from such a nasty disease, when he had only JUST given him back to me such a tiny miniscule amt of time ago.
For the first time in a long time... I finally had a real relationship w my dad. He became the father and the Pappaw we all knew he was meant to be. He found it in himself to break free from those horribly debilitating, guilt stricken chains that addiction had slapped on him and had held him down for all of those years. Finally, he found sobriety for the first time since as far back as I can remember. What kind of God would allow these things to happen to my family? Finally heal him... then turn around and take him from us 7 short years later and leave us here in a hopeless situation to deal w the aftermath of it all? I was so confused and angry at this "god" that so many ppl claimed to be real. I spent most of my life doubting his existence anyway. However, as is human nature.... When u find urself feeling desperate enough....you will somehow always find yourself begging and pleading w SOME sort of higher power, in hopes to be listened to and to find answers. This wasn't the first time I had ever been so desperate but damn sure believe it was the first time I had EVERY intention on fulfilling my part of the bargain if only I could have a few more years w my daddy on this earth. So I prayed and I prayed, and I prayed harder then I could imagine anyone had ever prayed, and throughout the weeks leading up to my dad's death I began to see my prayers being answered in small ways. By the grace of God I was able to become a more strong, selfless, understanding clear minded, patient, loving and forgiving person amongst other survival mode qualities that helped me tremendously during that time. I also began feeling and clearly seeing God's presence in my life. Everyday the reality of loss in my life was becoming more and more apparent yet against all odds.... somehow I was making it through w my sanity in tact. I remember, my worst fear was not being able to be there w my dad when he takes his last breath. I was in a giant financial crisis at the time and I had such a small amt of money to live on that I was literally putting a gallon of gas in my car at a time just to go be w him everyday. But as funds got lower and lower.... the intensity of that fear became greater and greater until I nearly lost it. One thing abt my dad was that he NEVER liked being alone and besides that, there was no way I could ever live w myself for not being by his side as he leaves this life. There I was again feeling that same feeling of desperation I had felt not so long before that. So I rounded up every bit of faith I had inside myself and again I prayed. Only this time I gave it all. I didn't see any other option. I didn't even do it bc I completely, w out a doubt, 100%, believed in him. I did it bc I had noone else to turn to besides him and I so badly NEEDED to believe in something besides sadness, loss and the reality of mortality and it's horrifying presence in my life. None the less.... I made an attempt at a genuine leap of faith and I sought Jesus's peace, love and guidance more than I ever had before. Having no clue what to expect out of this journey..... I had no choice but simply to pray for my dad, my family and myself and then say another prayer for God to have heard those prayers. Turns out.....God heard my prayers. He made it perfectly clear that....with one decision, a single leap of faith, as well as the amazingly peaceful, loving and attentive response I recieved in return, my prayers were being heard and that my life had officially changed forever.
My very first and most significant godly experience actually came along the night we were given the official news that my daddy's days on earth were numbered. He was in rare form. Never in my life had I seen such fear in my dad. He plead w those doctors to find him a cure or atleast buy him some more time, but despite his plea for help, the doctors continually told us that it was in God's hands now. He was never a man to openly admit fear, as I had seen him demonstrate so much of that day. To see him like this, felt like a knife in my already quickly faltering and utterly broken heart. The pain was immensely unbearable. In fact it hurt so much that I was positive that I was going to die right along side him. I was sure I wasn't strong enough to bear the acute pain I was feeling in my heart for very long. However, later that evening, while attempting to process my own thoughts and feelings abt the devastating news, I spent several hours listening to my dad speak openly abt his own inner most thoughts, feelings and fears. I had never felt more helpless than I did that night. For the first time ever.... My dad laid his fears out on the table and he made it clear he was not ready to die and that he was afraid. There were really no words necessary bc his fear was transparent....my fear was transparent as well. Just as we're both ready to write this day off as our worst in history....we hear a knock at the door. In comes my dad's older brother, his wife and his church pastor. My uncle explained to everyone that he had asked his pastor to come pray with my dad in hopes to help him to find peace. The pastor then asked everyone to leave the room so that he could have a moment alone w my dad, but my dad asked me to stay w him and hear what that pastor had to say. I'm sure he felt the cold chill roll down his spine right then just as I had.....knowing exactly what that pastor was really sent to my dad's bedside to do, but we both put on brave faces and came prepared in our strongest armour. The two of us (myself and the pastor) stood there looking down at my dad on his death bed as the pastor began to inquire w him abt the depth of his relationship w God. My dad informed him that he has always "believed" in a sense but that he had never fully given his life over to Christ. The pastor then began reading several key Bible verses u might read to someone during the ending stages of his or her life while also teaching both of us a little abt Jesus Christ and abt his promise to us. He allowed Daddy and I to be curious and to ask questions, questions we had never really had the opportunity to ask to such a knowledgeable and spiritual person in such an intimate setting before. That pastor gladly answered each and every question we had. He prayed w us, he prayed for us and he encouraged both of us, (but especially for daddy in his quickly declining condition) to ask Jesus into our hearts. So we bowed our heads in prayer. That evening became the most bitter sweet day of my life to date bc I was given news that I was no where near ready to hear regarding my dad's Ill fate but I also witnessed my sweet daddy.....whole heartedly repent and open his heart to Jesus. As amazing as that was.....feeling my dad's new found faith begin to flourish that night as well as seeing the presence of the Lord and all his glory flow right thru my daddy onto me at that very moment was nothing short of a miracle for the both of us. I was then compelled to ask the Lord into my own heart as well. It was as if Jesus Christ himself were speaking directly to me.....something I had never experienced so vividly before. My dad may not have known this at the time but I could never thank him enough and I owe him the world for allowing me to stay by his side that evening. Not only bc he is the reason I found Jesus Christ and all his grace or bc that experience single handedly provided me the peace in never again having to experience the paralyzing fear of myself, my dad or anyone else I love dying a lost and lonely soul or fearing what would happen to either of us after we leave this earth... but also bc I will always hold that experience ever so close to my heart. It was perhaps the most amazing gift he ever could have given me. We were so very blessed to have found Jesus Christ together that night and I will remember it always, I will revisit it often and I will cherish it for as long as I live.
After all of that took place and played out...we had quite a few other experiences wich took place during that time as well. Experiences that actually share in depth but that vary greatly in intensity. It wasn't until my dad's death had become as distant a memory as it would ever be, and until I had begun to look back on that time to search for healing...that I brought these life changing experiences to the fore front of my mind and used them to help aid in my healing journey. There were other types of experiences along the way that did have an immediate and profound affect on my life at that time. I began experiencing an abundance of love and compassion from from friends and family as well as complete strangers. My sister N law became my absolute best friend...better yet... my sister. Noone was there more then she was. She allowed me to spill my heart and soul to her everyday for weeks, she allowed me to express openly my inner most thoughts and feelings w out judgement, she gave me strength and encouragement when I needed it most, she lifted me up and believed in me when I didn't and she gladly took on the day in and day out responsibility of my kids for me so that I could spend those last precious days and hours w my daddy. In addition to my sister N law.... God also gave me an inspiring new relationship w my mother N law who was there w me right along side of sis. These 2 amazing people were my first indication that my prayers were infact being answered. If ever in my life there was a time when I really needed human companionship, love and support up until then... It was precisely that moment and of course in true godly fashion...he never once failed to provide.
Shortly after I had finally come to the realization that God IS....w out a doubt....so generously and lovingly handing me the people that I so very much needed in my life..there was yet another life altering realization that hit me just as hard. One day at the gas station........God managed to take whatever doubts I MAY have had by that particular point in the process and sent them soaring at the speed of light, right back down to whom they rightfully belonged...to Satan himself. I was leaving the hospice for the umpteenth night in a row and needed gas. I had wasted most of that day trying to figure out how I would be able to put gas in my car to make it back the next day and the days to follow. I had just pumped my last 3 dollars into my gas tank and climbed into my car to gather every last lick of change I could scrounge to pay for it. Suddenly over the loud speaker....I hear the attendant say that my pump was authorized for an additional 10 dollars. I immediately assumed it was a mistake so I walked up to the cashier and notified her that she had authorized the wrong pump, at wich time she informed me that the woman who had been pumping beside me had generously asked her to load her own change onto my pump for me. Apparently she had seen me struggling to find my 3 dollars and wanted to help. I was overwhelmed w gratitude. I walked back to my car, quickly recalling the stressful bits and pieces of the day and thinking abt how I had wasted precious hours I could have spent w my dad, worrying and wondering how I would make it back to my daddy in the next few crucial days to come. Then I looked back on the last several days and remembered that I had prayed abt this several times over again. This for me was a defining moment. I broke down, began to sob and stopped to praise God right then and there. My faith jumped leaps and bounds that evening! I could feel the Holy Spirit coursing though my veins! It became the day that I began to fully trust in the word of God and not a day has gone by that I havnt seen or felt God's amazing grace and love ever since. Even during my most recent trials when my faith was slightly wounded....God has always prevailed.