CLASH!

(My apologies for being late on this again!)

Things ran pretty tight this round! The judges were split, and even the public option poll was running 50/50 for awhile. But, our first tournament does, indeed, have a champion!




Congrats, folks!




"Invalid Item"  by Noyoki : I found this a very interesting story, and had to check to see which side you were 'supposed' to be rooting for. I felt clearly that Dorian was the winner in your version of events, but you told it in such a way that we saw much of the action through Sir Wesley's eyes. Of course, once I checked I realised that you were championing Dorian all along.

I thought that having Sir Wesley view Dorian as a tool, a weapon to be used, rather than a foe was intriguing and clever. It fitted well with Sir Wesley's personality.

I also thought providing an object that would lead Sir Wesley, but only Sir Wesley, to the Chalice was a clever way of ensuring that Dorian agreed to work with him. You made sure the two men worked together. I was wondering how this would result in a 'victor', but you managed that by having Dorian achieve his ultimate aim, denying Sir Wesley his ultimate goal, and thus, Dorian was clearly the victor even though the two men never battled each other. Very well done.

"Invalid Item"  by Robin : You kept Sir Wesley very true to his character in this story, fighting always for his love and going out of his way to see good done where possible. I liked that Wesley and Dorian both played a part in defeating the wizards, and I especially liked that the two men came face to face as combatants to see who would emerge the victor in a fair fight.

It might have added more length to your story, but there was no word limit - I would have liked to have seen Dorian try to take the advantage when Sir Wesley offered him his life. You note that Dorian's instincts were to pull his dagger...that's what I would have expected from Dorian too, and I think it would have been more true to character for him to try this, then when this failed, accept defeat. I do like the way you rid Dorian's character of his rage...a fitting end to a tale of good defeating evil.

It was a hard choice. A really hard choice. I felt that Noyoki played both characters well, keeping both very true to themselves, and that Robin fell a little behind in this with her portrayal of Dorian's acceptance of defeat. On the other hand, Noyoki basically had Sir Wesley stand to one side while Dorian fought the final battle himself, whereas Robin had the two men fight until they were the last two standing, then they fought a fair fight against each other and one emerged the victor. Ooh, tough decision! I think in the end I will give my vote to Robin for allowing the reader the satisfaction of answering that ultimate question - man versus man, who would win?




"Invalid Item" 

Title: Awesome!

Characters: You've got the foundations for two great characters. Dorian needs a bit more polishing than Wesley. I felt you...tried too hard. Some of his actions and thoughts feel forced. Wesley, while not your creation, you have really made your own. He feels close to real throughout and his actions remain consistent, though a bit predictable.

Spelling/Grammar: I didn't even pay attention. There were obviously none, or very few, errors. I appreciate you presenting a well-edited piece.

Construction: Understanding that this is a continuation from previous works in the contest helped me dive right in, but I fear a reader just opening it may get lost (uninterested) quickly. But since this is an ongoing thing in the contest, it is only a suggestion for you if you decide to work it all together.

Suggestions:
Even for a death merchant such as Dorian, predicting when death would strike was not always possible. A deep scowl etched itself across his thin lips as he nudged the stiffening body with the tip of his boot. --The word death used twice so close together read funny to me. I'd reword the second half of the sentence given my druthers. Make it something short and powerful. 'when death would strike' is weak and a little cliche anyways.

How did the seer die?

The blood of Dolmar and Mabetha will water crops that will go un-harvested It's cool, but too clunky. maybe something like, "The blood of two countries will water dead crops." Something easy to say with emotion and hits hard and fast to the reader.

In general, I feel you have too many words in many of your sentences. Consider eliminating words like: but, and, while. Ask if they are really just connecting two sentences. Short sentences are generally more powerful.

Try and make your sentences more active. Look for sentences with the word had or 'd. Those are the ones that stood out most to me. Also beware was.

Overall: I've seen quite a bit of progress in just a couple of stories/miscellaneous stuff. I don't know if you just dedicated more time to editing or you just hooked yourself into the story, but it's noticeable.

Good job on this story!


"Invalid Item" 

Title:It fits the story. Might be a hard sell to a fantasy reader, though.

Characters: The characters are decently presented. I'd like to see more traits to each of them that make Wesley a little less wholesome and Dorian a little more likeable. Doing so for Dorian will make the resolution more believable. The sudden breakdown comes out of nowhere.

Spelling/Grammar:No glaring issues. I always appreciate when a writer takes pride enough to present a well-edited piece of their craft.

Construction: I'm not sure I liked the POV shifts. It seemed to take me out of the story. The different perspectives kept me from becoming rooted in the setting.

Suggestions:
Storm clouds boiled an eerie green color, causing Sir Wesley’s gut to wrench uncomfortably. You're opening sentence needs a better hook. This is, more or less, a weather report. If you decide to stay with it, you might want to make it less passive.

This is a near 6k word story that could be told in about 2500. Economy of words, losing adjectives and adverbs, and sticking to strong verbs would help move it along quicker. There is a lot of narration, which also slows the story. You should look to create shorter, more powerful, sentences. Try eliminating 'but' 'and' 'while' and 'as he'.

The plot itself has a lot of potential. It needs only unfold at a better rate, preferably with some added dialogue.

Overall: The story and character can easily be made into winners with some work and experience. I encourage you to keep at this one, as there is some gold to be mined from it.