Story Cafe

Is my writing any good, does it make you laugh? It still needs development. I appreciate any and all feedback!!

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The best 10 year relationship that I have ever had with a guy has been with my cat. Oh, I know some aspects are lacking, like the obvious ones.

We can't hold hands, for instance. He is a handsome black and white tuxedo cat, with luminous light green eyes. I wouldn't call him the strong and silent type. He's more like the loquacious and picayune type.

He does, however, make my eyes roll back in my head and my toes curl every single time he breathes on me. Every time he unleashes that invisible breath of toxins in my face, my life flashes before my eyes. If only my nose could sense that ahead of time and seal itself shut to avoid that assault of frightful funky feline ferociousness. He has learned that when he breathes on me, he can get me to cave in and do his bidding once I regain consciousness.When he wants something, he breathes on me and I about injure myself to get him what he wants.

He communicates with his independently swiveling ears and his expressions on his face. Oh, and his body which he indiscriminately plants on top of whatever I am doing when he decides he wants attention or an undisturbed nap. Also his tail, how could I forget about his tail?? His long, salt and pepper, white tipped flesh and bone hairy tail which also happens to be quite the dangerous weapon. His constant tail swishing must not be a calorie burner; otherwise, he wouldn't be my fat-boy pooter kitty.

Panic rises in my chest when I see him heading in my direction with That expression is on his face, reflected in his body language. My mind bolts through a mental checklist of what I need to do or don't. Bathroom-shower-am I good on my beverage-is this movie almost over? Am I about to need to stand up or am I good to remain seated for the duration of his nap?

He will jump up on my lap with an air of expectation which causes me to practically herniate myself clearing everything off my lap just so he can lay down. I can be working with my work area full of papers, fabric, bead work or yarn and he happily comes over and plunks himself down right onto the middle of it all, looking up at me, smiling. I juggle writing, crocheting, or bead work like a PT Barnum acrobat when he gets it in his head that he is going to curl up and sleep on my lap. Even when I am standing up, his dedication to getting his nap on my lap, one of a hundred a day, I might add, is stuff legends are made of. And I have every scar, infected scratch and claw mark to prove it.

Sneaky devil, he lies in wait until I am seated comfortably in my recliner and then jumps on me from the back which always sends whatever I am working on flying.

If my arms aren't long enough to reach something I need on an adjacent table, I must lean forward thereby reducing his napping radius. How unaccommodating of me! He jumps down in a feline huff. He will turn and look at me with THAT put off scowling expression of indignity. Not that I toss and turn at night trying to think of how to avoid that face; I don't because I have a new and improved prescription of sleeping pills.

No, I am not puddy whipped. No, I am not! He is MY pet, I am the boss, head of this household! He has no income coming in. I buy everything for the little monster.

He is fascinated with whatever I am working on, and also completely confident that I will stop whatever I am doing in favor of him. I must admit that this annoys me to no end! Not being a petite kitty his sprawling himself across my work area disrupts any plans of completion. Thwarted, scrapped, kaput!! Me try to pull my work out from underneath him?? Surprises me without fail that my head doesn't burst into flames when he slaps me with a triple. What is a triple, I suspect you would be asking?

A devilish duo double is when he gives me one of his well rehearsed looks and flips his tail to accentuate his face.
A tabby triple is when he tries to lay guilt on me by using his face, tail and gymnastic ears which pivot individually from one another, in an attempt to inflict guilt. Alas! It almost never works!!
A Cheshire quad is when he uses his face, ears, tail AND body to shame me. You'd think we were arguing; you have no idea how many times a day I roll my eyes at this cat!

His penchant with chasing whatever I am working on, for example, having to raise my needlework to eye level in a vain attempt to escape his razor sharp claws which inevitably leaves me unparalleled as a target for his lightening fast mitts. If we have had that discussion once, we have had it a million times. The claws are not to come within a million feet of my throat or my face or any areas of my body that are covered in skin.

But back to his tale of fortune, he will glibly stand on me with his buttocks in my face, his tail swishing about. The inevitable happens: WHAM!! I am clocked in the head. I know the wind is knocked out of me. Once the flashes of light have stopped swirling, and I regain full consciousness I KNOW there are welts on my face.

But when I can safely stand up and get to a mirror, search as I may I can not find nary a one. He must have been trained by secret forces, because for something that hurts that much, he never leaves any marks. That makes me very suspicious. But, in true guy form, he's clammed up about it. He won't breathe a word about it no matter how deviously I attempt to get it out of him.

Our life together isn't all about torturing me. A few years back, I was recouping from a nasty intestinal virus. My doc told me to eat a lot of yogurt to restore the intestinal flora in my body. I live alone so if I have to let a fart fly, I let it fly. Well, I was sitting in my office chair with Smudge contentedly perched on the back. I felt some abdominal pressure which I released. I heard a thud and then saw him stagger to the middle of the room as the invisible gas swirled around me. Either, I blew him off the back of the chair or he fell off. He turned to me and gave me a look as if to say: Are you trying to kill me?




"If we all did the things we are really capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves". Thomas Edison