Red Opium.

This will start off sounding like a random rant, but I honestly have a point!

I've officially been a member of this group for a while now, however I don’t think I've ever posted a message, or if I did it was a long time ago. But I do generally read the board. I'm just shy, even online.

However, I decided to actually post a reply to something this time because I just really wanted to tell you congrats, that's great! I agree with Kelly, you should celebrate. Do something you enjoy doing!! Treat yourself, you totally deserve it.

Cutting is an insanely hard habit to break . . . my therapist right now is trying to get me to start a positive "project" that I can throw myself into whenever I get the urge to cut, because it's been pretty strong lately. Maybe start a project of your own to pour any energy, especially negative, into, to hopefully ward off temptation? He said it should be something enjoyable, not a chore, so . . . I don't know, what do you like to do?

Anyways though, keep up the good work, that's really awesome. You should be very proud of yourself.

And, also, it's ok to be scared. That certainty you talk about, that you felt when you were cutting, was a warped certainty . . . yes, cutting does make us feel better in some sort of sense, however, logically speaking, harming ourselves physically really doesn’t actually solve anything. It's really hard to think of it any other way, I know, I mean I have had to explain over and over to my closest friend that I cut (past tense, I haven't recently) because it made me feel better. He just didn’t get it. "Why on earth would that make you 'feel better', you are hurting yourself!" . . . For me, its either a form of releasing something, or a form of punishment. Usually release, but sometimes, like right now, I procrastinated on a school assignment for my college class and now it'll be considered late, so I'm getting the strong urge to hurt myself as a form of punishment.

I'm totally rambling. I'm sorry. This is why I never post anything, because I have a habit of writing way to much. I've overly-wordy. Anyways. The point I was getting at, was even though cutting was sort of a security, it reality it was not the type of security that you should be relying on. Yeah, when stuff got bad, you could cut, and then it would be all "better", but honestly did it actually solve any problems?

For me, cutting made me “feel better” yes, but it didn’t get that missing/late homework assignment done, it didnt mend the fight I had with a close friend, it didn’t solve whatever was bothering me, sort of like doing drugs "helps" other people "feel better" when in reality they are just temporarily escaping the problem . . . so I think you should try to find something else for security. Maybe the project. Just don't dwell on the fact that you've "lost" your "security" because that will only amplify the effect thinking of it that way. Thinking of it like that puts cutting into a positive light, which you should avoid. You are breaking free of a very negative, harmful, and self-defeating habit, and that's a VERY good thing.

Do you have anyone you can go to whenever you feel the urge to cut? Or even just someone to write to, if writing it out helps? That’s my security at the moment, that friend I mentioned earlier. He is actually a corrections officer, newly moved up from a basic security guard lol. A bit fitting, really, a security guard for my security.

But anyways. I think you are doing great . . . just the main thing I think you should do is find a POSITIVE replacement for cutting . . . whether it’s a project to focus your energy on, or a person or other form of security to rely on . . . look for some new material. Old habits die extremely hard, and sometimes even resurrect themselves, but its a lot easier to break the cycle when you start a whole new path, rather than just try to avoid the old negative one.

I really hope all that (or at least most of it) made sense. I tend to be confusing in the wee hours of the morning, and it is 3 am here, so . . . anyways. Good luck!

-Fitzwah aka Sarah . . . or is it Sarah aka Fitzwah?