K'neto's Hotline

"SEVEN DAYS (Preview)"  18+: Jack is dead, but not over.

Review To: Marshall
Reviewed Anonymously?: No!
Review Time: 06-01-05 @ 1:07am
Review's Rating: 4.0
Review Length: 2,610 Characters
Review Follows:
CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your article has been chosen by the super-reviewer, Spiral Kinetochore!


Hi! This is you friend K'neto, your friend and ever-supportive reviewer, with a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece.

Great job! Yours is a promising read! Well-written especially for an opening part! Your piece had a twang of magnet in it... I was drawn to the events, and questions kept flooding in my mind... I hope these questions would help in gaining the interest of other readers as well.

Here are my suggestions and comments:

You forgot to indent this one. > That’s cool. I’ll wait him out. No problem.

Revising this sentence; too much of "by" > Time ticks by more slowly by the second.

Name misspelt > “Sit down, Jonathon. Please.”

Why did he keep his pen and pad if he would ask a couple more? > Alright then, just a couple more questions.” He tucks his pen and notepad in his labcoat. “Are you still suicidal?”

You used "smile" twice. > Again, Dr. Macabee smiles his smile, heckling me with it.

Is the misspelt name intentional? > “Here is the deal, Jonathon.

You forgot the apostrophe for possession. > Oh, and by the way, Jack, your zippers undone.”

Seems forced to me, the dialogue, that is. > “There’s no mirror.”
- I mean, he is a guy, so why would he be so conscious of his own reflection? Unless you stated before that he is fond of looking at his face... or he's obsessed with mirrors or something.

I'd be looking forward to reading the rest of your novel. You have an intersting concept here and I'd be dying to know how the storyline would all sum up.

By the way, your knack of clipping things in the story by means of phrases and words, makes the story fast-paced and a bit exciting. Maybe, at times, confusing, but it's still ok with me. It gets pretty easy to adjust to your style as the story goes on.

Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!

This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port.

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"Invalid Item"  :

Review To: Marshall
Reviewed Anonymously?: No!
Review Time: 06-01-05 @ 8:29am
Review's Rating: 4.0
Review Length: 3,522 Characters
Review Follows:
CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your article has been chosen by the super-reviewer, Spiral Kinetochore!


Hi! This is you friend K'neto, your friend and ever-supportive reviewer, with a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece.

Here I am again raising my suggestions and proposals:

Is this sarcasm? > Yippee.
- I suggest an explanation after it as to why the character thought or said it to himself.

A hyphen or "and" between "hissing" and swishing" would help. > I finish getting dressed, lie down on the bed, and try hard not to hear the hissing swishing around in my brain.

Putting "of" after "couple" might help. > A few in the group shake their heads, a couple others make choking noises.

You accidentally typed "the" after "from," > The guests in close proximity sit a little straighter and avert their faces from the his presence.

This is confusing. > For awhile, I have to concentrate on exorcising the neon phantoms burned into my pupils and keeping me company after the fact.

The hyphen here is unnecessary. > Barely attached to the brick wall is a rickety fire-escape.

I felt this sentence failed to keep the suspense pumping up. It's a little slower. > I’m halfway out of my skin when my brain lets me know the voice belongs to Dr. Macabee.
- Try "I am startled by the voice..." or something like that, containing instantaneous action.

Why did he suddenly call him Tom? > “I’ll give it a try, Tom.”
- If I remember clearly, Thomas Macabee told him that "Dr. Macabee" would suffice.

Keep the present-tense streak coming. > I’ve pissed myself.

Did you mean "from my soul," too? > I scream from my guts, from my bones, for my soul.

I noticed you used too much onomatopoeia in the whole course of the chapter. Use it moderately 'coz it can elicit boredom from the reader. Sometimes detailed description of sound works better.

I still haven't gripped at something in the storyline... or how the flashbacks seem to play a role in the present situation of the character, I still don't know... maybe you ought to compile one chapter per static... I feel after reading parts 3 and 4 that nothing has developed. Or so I think, of course, because I still haven't finished the whole chapter, what more the whole novel.

But don't think I didn't like it a bit... I know you have put too much effort in the piece, and I'm glad we are in the process of viewing your work before it actually gets finished... And, well, I think that is a bit unfair to you, the author, because whether we consider it or not, it's still an unfinished work. A reviewer should be careful in rating it, as accurate as he gets.

Wish you luck in finishing this chapter.

Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!

This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port.

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"Invalid Item"  :

Review To: Marshall
Reviewed Anonymously?: No!
Review Time: 06-11-05 @ 12:35pm
Review's Rating: 5.0
Review Length: 3,441 Characters
Review Follows:
CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your request for an item review has been granted by the super-reviewer, Spiral Kinetochore!


Hi! This is you friend K'neto, your friend and ever-supportive reviewer, with a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece.

I am quickly jumping at the chance to air out my comments and suggestions:

i suggest a colon instead of a semi-colon > Angie is the one in red, doling out what seems to be the only worthwhile portion of the meal; some kind of fried apple compote.

This is in past tense. > I suppress this crazy urge to get closer to her, as if her charms possessed their own law of attraction.

Did you use "thou" on purpose? > Also, we ask that St. Michael, the banner bearer, conduct them into this holy light, which Thou hast promised to Abraham and his seed.
- Unless you want to prove that Dr. Mac is inconsistent in what he says, then you should stick with "You" instead.

For someone like me who's obsessed with commas, he might find it better if he sees one after "clock-ish" > Around 7 o’ clock-ish a nurse’s voice crackles over the hidden intercom again to inform us that Level One small groups will begin in five minutes.

I like this one, I think I know what you mean here. > He knows, as I know, that it’s us or them in this place, in everyplace I’ve ever been or will be when your life feels like something that never really belongs to you.
- But it's a li'l confusing so try reconstructing it.

I find this suspicious and at the same time funny. > I can’t tell if it’s his skin or the tile floor that squeals from skidding out.
- The sound comes from the contact of both surfaces!

I suggest a comma after "Stop" & "Right", and an exclamation point after "Darren." > “Stop Darren. It was an accident. Right Jack?”

Amazing description!!! (except for the "movements," I think it would do better without the "s" > I’m not able to answer Angie right away because of her right hand. The gray digits dangle lifelessly in front of me. The spidery fingers are limp, without nails, swinging at the whim of sudden movements. I stare at her through the bars of flesh, unable to say anything soon enough to even pretend I didn’t notice.

Another excellent statement! > A small audience of Oranges watches as I try to swallow down a shot full of regret with a chaser of self-loathing.

And this really made me giggle! > A black nurse with painted eyes and a thin-lipped mouth like a scalpel incision before it fills with blood appears around the corner.

In a nutshell, you really did a great job on this!!! It's my favorite part, at the moment!!! I guess I was waiting for some more events to unfold in order to appreciate the story. Good luck and I'll be looking forward for the next parts.

Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!

This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port.

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