Zombies, Vampires and 5th-grade teachers

I'm certain that most Americans have heard of the infestation of zombies and

vampires in our country. At first I thought this signaled the end of mankind. It was, I

believed, a last gasp from a noble species. After all, we humans have had a fairly good

run.

In way of preparing for the end, I decided to give away my Daffy Duck and Winnie

the Pooh underwear. But who would be left to make use of them? In hopeless

dejection, I sat back to await humankind’s fate. It was awful!

Then it hit me like a bolt from the sky! It was nigh to a miracle that it didn’t put

char marks on my Winnie the Pooh Boxers (My choice for Tuesdays.). The solution

to the infestation was simple.

The zombies (brain eaters) are the easiest to deal with. We need only throw a

party for them in Washington. With no brains to eat, they'll soon starve to death.

Sadly, the vampires take a bit more planning. For those bad boys (and girls), we

check the local weather forecast to make certain clear skies are in the forecast. Next,

we load a barrel of blood (We could start with a "donation" from my fifth-grade teacher.)

on a pickup. We then leave the lid off and drive to the nearest turnip farm. The

vampires will follow like a bunch of guys following a prom queen. Once the pickup is

parked and all buildings locked, the barrel will quickly be emptied. It is then that the

poor ol' vampires will be running around looking for blood. At that time, of course,

they'll learn "you can't get blood from a turnip". The vampires, weak from hunger, will

be unable to escape the sunlight. They’ll quickly disappear like money in this

economy.