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I am starting a new chapter in my life..... |
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I started job hunting today...... sort of. I am working with my new friend Audrey (employment specialist) to get ready to go job hunting. We're going to be redoing my wardrobe (somewhat) and doing practice interviews and such. This is where the journey will be documented for posterity. I also will throw in news about my writing now and again as that is what the site is for. Okay, so there are scraps of anything that might affect my life ... |
| First day of NaNoWriMo. I wrote 703 words. Not bad but not my goal of 2000 a day. Still, I may write more of it later. ____________________________________________________________________________________________------ Still nothing on the job front. I'm ready to give up as always. I know I am not going to do the fleeting thought I have once in a while of caving in and applying for fast food. I just had a thought. What if the jobs I've applied to have tried to contact my old jobs or my references and gotten bad reviews or no reviews at all. I can totally see that happening. Face it. I am not qualified to work in the areas I want to, and I cannot work in the areas I am qualified for. How am I supposed to keep my hopes up? The only calls I've gotten since I started putting my number out there for jobs is "reduce your debt", "you may qualify for up to $?????? a month", and "we can lower your monthly utility bills" (and of course the potential spam blocked by my phone). It is all hopeless. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I cannot do anything productive. I am coming to that conclusion. It is the harsh cruel reality of things. How do I continue to go on? How do I feel good about myself? I don't know. Sometimes I do things just to drone away time. I keep thinking that if I keep trying, I will find something that makes me content. That is what I have settled for: Contentment. I can't say that anything gives me happiness anymore. I haven't been able to say that for a long time. Things have just lost their power. At least I am not thinking about dying all the time anymore. I am not constantly wondering how I could get away with hurting myself. You know what goes synonymous with contentment? Boredom. A constant feeling of just wanting to lay down and sleep the rest of my life away. The only thing that gives me hope is that little urge I get to go on. To get up, to move, to accomplish something. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Terry told me the other day that I should write my life story. I told her I can't because it is too painful. I want all my writing around me again. I want to work on it, on all of it. I want to shut myself in my room and force myself to do something with it. I miss having everything around me. But there is no space for it. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________-- This weekend I need to clean my room. I can't find what is in here let alone what might be someplace else. I've gotten to the point where I don't remember what I put in storage and what is in here somewhere. I have to search through it all and organize it. Right now, I need to find something better to do than drivel on in this blog. |
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Stress = not good. Have no advice though. Breathe? I'm coming out of high anxiety and depression. It's been a slow uphill struggle.