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This BLOG is duplicated from my website and can be pretty random. Philosophical. |
| I have found that the writing I initially did for therapy and catharsis has been of some interest to others so I started a blog on my personal website. I will be copying those here to get feedback as well as entertain. |
When I Die What happens when my physical body ceases to function? A great number of theologians, philosophers, and other social thinkers have dedicated countless energies to solving this riddle so I’m not going to tackle it in the global sense. I do though plan to talk about what it means to me because I have my own thoughts, hopes, as well as fears about the subject.I guess I never thought about it until the church, the Southern Baptists to be precise, suggested to me that I have an immortal soul, that it was in danger of burning forever, and they had a solution. My earliest formative years were spent, from birth through 5 years old, with my mother and I living with her parents, and no one ever brought up church, God, or even death that I remember. After my dad came back and started beating the shit out of us regularly my mother, I’m sure to try to make sense of it all, sought refuge in the church. I learned all of the Bible stories and all about Jesus and they told me if I professed my belief in him my soul would be guaranteed a free pass into heaven. So, at the ripe old age of 8, I was baptized into the Southern Baptist church. Shortly after that my father left, my mother went off the rails, and she became my new abuser. It’s funny that in hindsight my faith, or what I knew of faith, never wavered. I have heard story after story of people losing their faith after their parents or whoever introduced them to faith turned on them. I guess if it had been my father and he then continued to beat me it might have been different. I did kind of put my faith on a back burner though since my mother stopped taking us to church. I would go on for many, many years with what I call “back pocket faith”. By that, I mean that I had this fervent belief that my statement of faith that I made when I was baptized made me bulletproof, and kept that in my back pocket knowing I was going to be ok in the end. In the meantime, I figured I was just supposed to have this horrible life full of abuse, delinquency, and abandonment and then go to paradise. It falls a little flat when I get it down on paper, but I ran with that for a long, long time. I guess I stuck with it so long out of laziness, and it gave me a sense of hope. As the years went by though it became more and more threadbare, but I was afraid to think otherwise for fear of losing what little hope I had left. For many of those years, I was doing some pretty messed up stuff and I wonder if my blind faith gave me a morality I would not otherwise have had and kept me from crossing certain lines thereby saving my life or at least freedom. My religion had me believing that even thinking about any alternating was blasphemous and could result in damnation. So, I ran with that and tried to wrest some actual solution and guidance from my beliefs, but it never came. It wasn’t until getting sober and being introduced to the 12 steps that I let go of my boxed-in, regimented version of a higher power and started thinking outside the box, the box I had put myself and my God into that is. And it was only through seeing other people getting the peace and serenity I so wanted and knowing they were not using the same concept of God that I was. One of the hardest things I’ve done is to let go of that belief and think for myself again because I still had a vague notion something bad would happen. But I wanted sobriety and what I saw these people with, end the life in their eyes, bad enough that I no longer cared and dared to think about a God personal to me of my understanding and giving it the characteristics I wanted in a God. Once that momentous task was complete the rest was easy as the saying goes. Not really easy I guess but much easier than trying to hold onto and justify my old beliefs. For the next few years, I worked on a faith that was personal to me and worked for me. The higher power concept I had held onto for most of my life hadn’t served me well and I was immoral, delinquent, and uncaring. Today I feel that the concept of a higher power I have is working, persists, and my being sober for 9 years proves to me it is real. So that brings me back around to my original topic of whether I have an immortal soul, what happens to it, and whether it can be destroyed or damaged. Today when it comes to a higher power, I conceptualize it more in terms of energy than a being. I believe that whatever animates my physical body and brain with consciousness, life, and personality is an intelligent and powerful energy. I also believe that energy cannot be destroyed and that one of our fundamental laws states that fact. The God concept still works because it gives me something to wrap my head around, but I don’t believe in it the same way I did. I further believe that my uniqueness makes me separate from the source of this energy or we would all be cookie-cutter facsimiles of the whole. I also think that my energy, or soul if you will, is bound to this body by space and time as we know it. Now, whether I was forced into this position, volunteered for it, or whatever I cannot possibly know. Just as I can’t think about time or space outside my human means I can’t think about my soul either. In other words, I think that I am too complex, powerful, and wonderful to think about my true self with this current version of myself. So that is my declaration that I believe I have a soul, is it endearing or not immortal, and part of some kind of collective. The reason I believe we are a part of a whole or collective is the intensity of our connections to each other. I don’t believe that would be possible without energy beyond our understanding. I can toy around with this and conceptualize it as simply us being bored and creating this playground, or maybe it is a game with real consequences. I don’t know the answers, but I do think that we get something out of it like maybe we can do, feel, and experience things we cannot on a different plane. I have the vague notion that I have a lot more to do with my existence than my human mind can fathom. Either way, my current belief system tells me that something happens to this energy, and I don’t just extinguish. I can have fantasies, wishes, and fears surrounding what that looks like but since I can’t understand it, I don’t spend too much time on it. I also know that my life energy feels like it is bigger than me and that it is waiting for something. I know that no matter how hard I try my beliefs will always be wrapped around some concept that includes an energy state after this one. That is the human in me, or I guess the human I am in, needing and wanting that hope. Today though instead of depending on that “back pocket faith” to save me and being an asshole in the meantime my spirituality guides me to help others and be kind when I can. It is still all a work in progress, but I know I’m on the right, or at least better, path. If nothing else my sobriety proves to me that I’m doing the right things. As to what happens when I die, I am no longer in fear and that is enough for me. |
Disappointment Disappointment is another very complex issue. Disappointment, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. One person can be hugely disappointed by a sequence of events whereas another person will find the same situation acceptable or possibly even pleasing. Disappointment could be avoided altogether if one has enough serenity, acceptance, and maturity in their life. Since I experience my fair share of disappointment then I must be lacking in one or all of those categories. In the vast majority of cases I could have avoided disappointment or at least lessened it by having different expectations of the situation. Ah, there lies the crux of the issues, expectations. Every one of my numerous 4th step inventories has resulted in my sponsor showing me that I still suffer from the character defect of unrealistic expectations. In reality, I don’t think there is such a thing as a realistic expectation because only in the rarest of cases could someone predict the outcome of a situation. So, I will take a look at some of my recent disappointments and compare those to my expectations to see where I may improve. As of this writing my car has been in the shop for collision repair for about 2 months. I had not followed through with an earlier claim because car repairs have been taking so long lately. I also know the car was badly damaged. But I convinced myself, with unrealistic expectations, that the car would be done quickly. So here I am nursing a large disappointment and resentment. It was my choice. Most of the time I can see the problem clearly in hindsight but at the time the same logic and rationality are lost on me. Don’t get me wrong it has gotten much better in the 9 years I have been sober and working a program of recovery, but it still happens. I don’t know if I will ever be rid of this particular character defect but judging by my past and current behavior as well as observations of other alcoholics, I’m not going to hold my breath. So, what exactly happens during a disappointment? I start by convincing myself something is going to be better than I thought or that the consequences are going to be dramatically less than I thought. In both cases, the mental reward I give myself gives me a dopamine hit or reward signal, and I like it so at that point I have already defeated myself mentally. Then when the larger-than-expected consequences happen or the reward is less than expected the dopamine hit is less than I imagined, and it becomes a negative reward feedback. Once I get the unfulfilling dopamine reward and other neurochemical and physical effects, I have a depressing and let-down feeling. Most of the time this leads to anger and resentment. In many ways, it is also a grief process so denial, anger, and bargaining are added in as well. If I can simply accept the disappointment and move on life is not so bad but that is not my usual outcome. My most common reaction is bargaining because I think I can still make the event turn out my way, or my expected way. Since I am quite clever and manipulative, I can very often twist the events around to my liking or to a state I can convince myself I still won. Because of this, I have spent an amazing amount of energy performing this unrealistic expectation, forcing the situation, and occasionally winning scenarios over and over. It wears me out and I still have a negative reward feedback but can convince myself I have won at that point anyway, even if bittersweet. In the case of my car repairs, I have convinced the collision company to comp me back some of the deductible. In this way, I can use that little dopamine reward to think I offset the whole event. In reality, I have spent much more than that on rental cars and still did not get my vehicle back within the parameters of my expectations. Sometimes this is very dangerous because I can stuff the feelings of disappointment down and they will fester without validation. So, in the cases that I can sit in my feelings of disappointment and process them, I can keep in the moment and learn from the event better. When I do not allow the feelings to be felt I will be doomed to repeat the behavior because I will still fool myself the next time. On the other hand, when I process the feelings, usually through step work with a sponsor, I can identify the character defects involved and my part in the events. I am quite sure that there is no way to eliminate self-delusion and disappointment at least not in my life. But if I also believe that disappointment is always brought on by expectations and I, at least in theory, have control over my expectations then, again in theory, have the ability to slowly bring my disappointments to a lower level over time. There are also times that in hindsight I think that I set myself up for disappointment and enjoyed it. I don’t mean I was like woohoo and enjoyed the negative feelings, but I used the situation for vindication against a rival, obtaining pity, etc. In those cases, there is obviously more going on than disappointment alone, but it is part of a more complex cascade of emotions and rewards. In writing this I have learned a lot about myself and hopefully given you, the reader, food for thought. |
Time What is time? Is it a construct we use to frame our existence? Is it immutable? Or is time malleable and we just don’t know how to manipulate it yet? Don’t worry I’m not going to try to answer these questions. The greatest philosophers and scientists of the ages have managed to describe, manipulate, and harness much of our environment but time has remained elusive. Everything we know is dependent on time and for the most part, we use time to measure and control all of the other pieces of the puzzle. So, if we cannot control time why don’t we, or more precisely I, use it more wisely? The 2 things I have no control over are time and my life force. One might say that I do have control over my lifeforce because I have the choice to end my life. I have the feeling though that my life force would only change states and not really cease to exist. So, my life force, or more precisely my soul, is obviously very precious to me because without it I truly do cease to exist. I can contemplate my death or even ceasing to exist although it may be difficult, but time is another matter. I cannot truly contemplate existence without the element of time. Others may be able to but no one I have met has made any headway with that endeavor, although it is not a common topic for conversation. My thoughts are even ordered by time because I cannot think of a thought before another. In other words, I even need time to write this blog because I cannot think of the end without thinking of the beginning and the middle. The beauty of that is that I am never stuck where I am at because time will always move me forward. Ok, I don’t know about you, but all of this has made my head hurt and get a little wonky. What I really wanted to explore is my own personal use, management, and voyage through time. In a certain sense, I am making use of time whenever I set anything into motion. If I apply paint to a surface I need time to dry it, there is no other way. On the other hand, mankind has spent quite a bit of effort in making the time spent on such things less with quick-drying paints, quick-setting concrete, etc. We seem to put a lot of time and energy into time conservation. So, I guess if we use time to create time savings then maybe in a way we have traveled time. Yeah, probably not. I can manipulate everything else in my environment, but time is constantly marching along unstoppable, unchangeable, invincible. You would think that in that case, I would have spent my time more wisely over the years. As I have gotten older I realize that time is much like a river that I cannot get out of. The vessel I am floating down that river has changed and picked up characteristics along the way that have made me who I am at this instant in time. I will never be the same again though. Just writing that last sentence made a subtle change in my thinking. So, in the end, I think that the only thing that has truly changed with time is my thinking. Sure, the environment has aged with time, but I don’t think it has really changed all that much. Things like trees and plants age and die but they are replaced, and, in the end, things stay pretty much the same. On a long enough timeline, everything will pretty much return to its original state including the things we have made like buildings, roads, etc. The one thing that has changed over time and cannot be reverted though is my thinking. My ideas, knowledge, and memories are permanently changed. I cannot purposely forget something, I cannot unsee a memory, and I cannot remove an idea. I can only move forward and try to learn something new that will alter the thing in my head. I think that is what time is really all about. Time keeps me from getting stuck because I cannot stay in the same instant, it is impossible. Getting more personal I see time from different perspectives depending on my context. There is the more global sense of time like seeing myself getting older. The age I am at now really brings that into perspective. I can look back now and see this very long timeline with so many events in it. A younger person can’t have or know that perspective. Then there is the more immediate part of time such as calculating when to go to bed, what time to set the alarm, etc. Then there is time management and how to spend my time. Time is kind of like a type of gift card. I cannot add any time to the card, but the amount left on the card is constantly going down. That thought gave me chills! Many days I feel like I only watch the card balance go down. Sure, I go to work, sleep, etc. but it feels like the time just slipped by. Part of why this topic came to mind is that I am semi-retiring and will have a lot of time on my hands soon. I am worried that I will just look back at most days and realize all I did was convert oxygen into carbon dioxide for the most part. So, the time spent writing this piece has been well spent because my ideas have changed somewhat while writing it. I hope that the intentions I have to make better use of my newfound free time do not diminish with time, pun intended because that would be a real waste. I set out to simply describe my views on time but have seen a whole new side to it. I hope it has helped you as well. |
Wired I’m wired. I remember when that statement meant something completely different, but that’s a story for another day. Anyway, what I mean is I am wired to be wired. In that I mean wired to other people, animals, places, music, etc. I believe that all life and matter is energy and because of that it is all capable of being connected by wires. Now I obviously don’t mean physical wires we can see of touch. That would be rather inconvenient. In other writings I have discussed connections, grief, and even hope as all connections or the loss thereof. I recently had an amazing vision of how that looks to me. I wish I were an artist or animator because the visual would be cool. But as I am a writer I will describe it for you. In my vison of how everything connects, disconnects, and rips away from me I see wires. Wires that connect me to other bits and sources of energy. How big the wires are and how they look has to do what I am connecting to me or what is connecting itself to me. I also believe that some of the connections are the ones I intentionally make, some are involuntary yet preprogrammed, and others are forced. The ones I intentionally make can be broken down into several categories such as friendship, romance, and many other reasons. For example, I can choose to connect wires to an animal that I care for as a pet, acquaintance, or just a cool animal for many reasons. I volunteered at an animal sanctuary that had great cats like tigers and lions. While they were not pets, they were animals I interacted with on a regular basis and had a similar connection to that of a pet. In the same way when one of them would die the wires connected to them would get ripped out of me the same way as the ones connected to a pet would. You may notice I say that the wires were ripped out and that is how I see it. When a connection is severed by force I feel like the wires are ripped out and leave scars and wounds just like yanking the wires out of the back of a computer or device without disconnecting them first. There is a gaping hole or stump with the shredded wires hanging out. Some would describe it as a hole in their heart but no matter what the description, I like mine best, there is trauma. If I view this as the ripped out wires it helps me to see it, since I cannot draw it. I see this sad forlorn image of a person with damaged wires hanging out of its arm slowly trying to reconnect them only to find they are damaged beyond repair. The person looks skyward with tears and its head drooping in acceptance. It slowly gets up and looks around trying to find new wires to connect to the damaged area but since it is experienced it knows not to try and shuffles off to continue its journey. I feel like I have easy to use quick connect wires with plugs that don’t connect and pull out without damaging me or the receiver. I can use those for a quick conversation with the store clerk, petting a passing dog, greeting someone after a meeting, etc. but those connections get pulled right back out and don’t leave much impression. Sometimes the other energy source insists on or tries to strengthen the connection or give permanence to it and in my experience the decision to go ahead and sever those connections may damage the receiver. I also have wires that have screw in connectors or need to be spliced and soldered to make a stronger connection. Again, I see those as one sided in that I may connect to a source with a whole bundle and make it permanent very quickly, I am actually pretty bad about this, while the source may not see the connection the same way and not fasten the wires in the same way. I have many, many old scars where wire bundles have been ripped out because of this. Although I believe some of these connections have a deeper or even divine wiring it is still always up to me to assign the permanence to it. Actually, I don’t always believe that, but logic tells me so. In a perfect world we would discuss it with each other logically such as, “Hi, I like your energy and would like to connect these wires to you. Should I use a permanent connector, or do you plan to sever this connection as soon as it becomes uncomfortable?”, or whatever the case may be. But in reality, we, or at least I, tend to connect from our side without full consideration of what the other side is using to connect their wires. Here I’m not talking about romance per se just connections in general, but it obviously applies to romantic ties as well. So, what happens over time is that I wind up with all these broken wires hanging out of me in various states of damage. I also have many areas with scabs or scar tissue over the areas that a large wire group was ripped from. Some people are better than others, think empath, at seeing the damaged wires, scabs, and scar tissue. Some of these people see their role as a healer to try to help others fix their wounds and wires. There are, unfortunately, others who see the damaged areas as a weakness or thing to be exploited. As a young child I saw the broken wires and scars on my mother and in the attempt to heal her we became inextricably and tragically connected. To the point that we eventually became more lovers than anything else and it left me perpetually scarred when those wires were ripped out. Over the years I have, many times drastically and tragically, tried to find wires compatible to those that were ripped out, pull the scabs off of that wound, and splice them in to finish my healing. In each attempt the wound was only made bigger because that is a connection that could never be replaced. In the end awareness that the wires exist and a slowly growing knowledge and skill at dealing with them is all I can achieve. There is no cure for “The Wired Condition”, at least not for me, that I am aware of. Some folks have limited or damaged wiring such as narcissists, sociopaths, and others who cannot fully connect to others. I have learned to see these people for what they are and try not to connect fully to them but am still often fooled. So, I guess I am doomed to wander this life connecting, disconnecting, repairing, and healing my wires as best I can. Actually I guess I wouldn’t want it any other way. |
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