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This BLOG is duplicated from my website and can be pretty random. Philosophical. |
| I have found that the writing I initially did for therapy and catharsis has been of some interest to others so I started a blog on my personal website. I will be copying those here to get feedback as well as entertain. |
| I do not know for sure when we had the first fracture, but I can guess because of the memories gained as each personality felt safe enough to begin delivering memories. It is really hard to describe how that happens. For the most part, when I concentrate on some feeling from a picture, song, movie, etc. memories begin to flow in and assimilate into my core of memories. This can be very distracting at times. It used to be very intrusive and I think it is just getting used to it happening that makes it easier to process. Depending on the content and timing of memories flowing in it can be anywhere from warm and fuzzy to downright terrifying. Occasionally as new memories regarding the early sexual abuse or the violence of the early eighties and such it can still be paralyzing for a few minutes. Other times I get this feeling and know one of the alters is trying to say something or take over. I first felt this during a session with my therapist and she noticed it as well. I just told her I was trying to stay present, and she helped me re-ground myself. I do not think that any of the other alters could ever actually take full control today. It is still a scary thought though because I can remember what it was like to regain the controls while an alter had been fronting and being so confused and scared. I also remember what it was like to know I was not in control and feeling like I was watching my life on a screen. In hindsight, I know that I, Wanda, did not know what was going on until that fateful day in another therapist’s office when he walked me into making my own diagnosis of DID. It seems plausible that Robbie is really the host and lost control so long ago that he is incapable of running the show now. The thought that I may be another alter as well is very scary. I know that Robbie, and he agrees, is too young and immature to be in charge of the whole show anyway. It seems I am the only one who ages and matures with time, so I am effectively the host. The oldest memories like living with my grandparents and the move to a few apartments and then Roslyn Street have always been available to me as far as I can tell so they must belong to Wanda, me, and be from before the fracturing. There are still holes in those memories but that is probably explainable by age since I was under seven. I think most people my age have only limited recall from seven years old and earlier as well anyway. As I write things seem to become clearer and the thoughts of temporariness and not being real slowly fade. As I go back over the things that are written by my various parts, the alters, so much continues to make more and more sense. I can look back on things and see the source of an action, thought, or feeling. I was thinking today about a guy in prison I was fascinated by and was always a bit confused about my awkwardness with him. After meeting Sally, I knew it was her and she wanted him badly. I do not know where the varying control and loss of control come from. For instance, I know in that case it was me or possibly Tina that prevented Sally from screwing that guy because it would have resulted in us getting hurt, in trouble, or God knows what. It is very enlightening as this process of discovery, remembering, and assimilating happens. Seeing things through various lenses helps everything make sense. I know from what Tina has said that the many, many times in my life I felt as if I awakened in the middle of a nightmare was when I was able to push through whoever was fronting and suddenly was confronted with the situation they had placed us in. I obviously do not know if it would have been better if they had continued or not. I wonder if sometimes it was not divine intervention that I regained awareness when I did and most likely prevented a disaster or worse. Ironically, I always had this vague notion that I was crazy and so finding out that I am crazy kind of makes me not crazy. I do know that as this process plays out, and it seems to be accelerating, life gets better and better as my life finally makes sense. It is like a campfire that slowly ignites the first twig and it seems to take forever for the one next to it to catch. And then as more twigs ignite they have more and more next to them and then enough energy to ignite the logs. I am very grateful to my creator that the process has come along as it has. Today I am strong enough, I think, to handle large chunks of memories at once. I do know for sure that if what I know today had been thrust into my consciousness at the start I would have imploded. I still get suicidal under the strain so cannot imagine surviving a more intense awakening. Some of the memories are horrific and traumatic. Once they have emerged I can tell they are accurate by numerous criteria including but not limited to smells, feelings, and volume. By volume I mean multiple memories of the same era or from one alter all come packaged together. I can tell if one of the alters or myself is trying to invent something by the hollowness and flat feel of it. Also like a parent, I am getting to know each of the alters like a mother gets to know her children. I know how to make them come to the surface with a phrase or thought as well as knowing when they are lying or manipulating me by their nervousness. They still pull shit over on me once in a while though. Today we really are a family of sorts and all of us get along for the most part. Now that Tina has emerged and somewhat explained herself she is no longer feared by the others, especially “the littles”. As each alter becomes comfortable they talk and contribute feelings, thoughts, and ideas more and more. As Danny and Tina have pointed out it would seem that the emotionless alters have emotions through me now and have lost their ability to be quite as vicious and cold. Even Tina is fun now in a caricatured kind of way. Trying to figure out “who I am” or what my true personality and beliefs are is also very frustrating. I am just slowly going from event to event and day to day gauging the reactions of the alters and my own emotions and assimilating everything into a new core. I do not know if there is enough time left in my life to accomplish this task but for the most part, I try to take the high road and enjoy the ride and not concentrate on the negatives. Since, as far as I know, very few people with DID survive this long and become integrated so I do not have much to go on for reference. I guess that one of my main goals in writing the book is to help others when they find themselves in the same situation that I find myself in. |
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