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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| It was a wonderful weekend. I enjoyed dinner at the Rabbi's on Friday night with a bunch of people, and I knew some of them. I enjoyed walking to Tehillim, and noticed today that I had gotten sunburned from that short walk there and home. I did Havdalah with a friend at my house. It was nice, because it was my first time doing it for someone else, but they know Hebrew a lot better than me, so I was overly self-conscious and stumbled even more than usual. Today I got up at 5 am and headed up to my apartment up north. I found a carpet guy to clean the carpets for me on a Sunday. That means I did miss a community event, but I needed to get this done. Getting the carpets cleaned and cleaning the bathrooms and kitchen was all I needed to do. I am officially done with my old apartment. I turned in a copy of the receipt for the carpet cleaning and turned in my key. I never have to do that three hour drive again! I'm officially moved. After the cleaning, chemical smells, and six hours of driving, I really wanted pizza. I had stopped at the grocery store up at my old apartment and picked up some kosher food for lunch, but I've been craving pizza for so long. I have heard about a pizza place called Jerusalem Pizza. I really wanted to try it. It was frustrating getting there, because there were so many traffic jams. It took an extra hour and a half of driving, but I got it. I am so happy to say that it is absolutely delicious! I also got a falafel sandwich to take for lunch tomorrow. Coming into my airconditioned apartment with a good smelling pizza and rumbling stomach was great. After a quick Hebrew class, I ate some pizza and put on my house dress. Life is so good today! |
| Keeping kosher is not always easy. As I am working to learn what kosher symbols I can buy that are acceptable to the orthodox community, life has challenges thrown into the mix. At work today, I found out that the provided lunch for district professional development was being held at a bar and grill. A non-kosher bar and grill. I was required to attend even though I could not eat anything there or drink anything there. I had brought lunch with me, so I ate it on my way to the bar/grill. I walked in. It looked like a bar. It smelled like a bar. I admit that I pouted a bit, because I didn't want to be there. I went up to the bar and asked if they had any bottled beverages, like water, so I could at least look like I fit in. They did not. I did not fit in. It just so happened that I sat at the table with all of the high school deans. They felt bad that I couldn't eat anything (the food did look good, for a bar). They asked, "what food allergies do you have that you can't eat anything?" I said that I was strict kosher. One at the table knew what kosher was, but not the person who asked. I tried to get out of explaining a lot, but she pressed and said that she wanted to know. As they were pulling chicken off the bone with their forks, and buttering their bread rolls with very hard butter (probably a sign that it was real butter), I explained that I don't eat pork; I separate meat and dairy into different meals and not eat them within a certain amount of time of one another; and for anything I eat outside of my own kitchen or someone who I know keeps kosher, all food must be packaged in a sealed wrapper or container and have an approved kosher symbol. As they slurped down coke from a bar glass and ate watermelon on glass plates, I tried not to feel awkward and out of place, but I was. I didn't want to be there in a bar. More than going without food and water for two hours (not difficult to do after having good kosher food in the car), I did not want to be in a bar and in a non-kosher restaurant. I felt like my job was to make them feel comfortable with the fact that I wasn't eating. That I was okay with it (which I was), and that they weren't doing anything wrong by enjoying their lunch (which they weren't). My biggest struggle was being in the bar in the first place, and that I was required to be there for my job. As a math teacher, I never thought I would have to be put in a position to have to expose myself like that. I never thought I would be forced to go to a bar to keep my job. I know I probably could have said no and fought on religious grounds, but that would have just exposed me even more. The "team building activity" wasn't a bad activity, but certainly not worth one to fire someone over or force them to go to such a place (religious reasons aside) when they are uncomfortable going to those places. I like my new job so far, but I have a feeling that just being me, which was fine at my old district, comes with a lot of explanation here. When I'm out of my comfort zone (like I was today), I just keep reminding myself, I chose this, and G-d will bless me at this place too. He is the one, after all, directing my path. |
| I've been thinking a lot lately about the many times I was exposed to Jewish ideas before I ever even knew they were. One of my professors in college talked about tefillin and how the boxes got larger for show so it wasn't really proper to wear them since they are just for show. Being a woman, I don't have to worry about them, nor do I have an opinion about them. I remember going on a field trip with my daughter D2 to a farm that made dairy products. Their ice cream was kosher certified. I had no idea at that time what that meant. They were very strict on where we could walk because they wanted to keep their kosher certification. There was a Rabbi in one of the barns and the kids were asking if we knew him (we wore skirts and culottes). In one of the barns, I watched him talking to a cow. I had never seen a Rabbi in person before that moment. The last memory makes me a little bit sad. I was at a thrift store with my children. One of my children found a cup with two handles and asked me what it was for. The lady working at the thrift store said they had gotten a lot of things donated from an estate. At the time, I had no idea why there would be two handles on a cup. Maybe it was for a child learning how to drink, but it was rather big for that. I now know that it is a ritual cup for washing hands in the morning, after using the bathroom, and before eating bread. I understand that cup there wasn't very expensive (I actually have two of the exact same type), but it is still a bit sad that it was just donated to a thrift store. Just memories. |
| I did not make it to class or Tehillim today. My allergies had me worn out and my nose dripping. I stayed home and studied. I am studying the Shulchan Aruch. I am not very far into it yet since I only got it this week and worked all week. However, there is already a line that has stuck out. I am definitely not a morning person. I hit snooze way too many times and that makes me always run late. The first volume starts off talking about how to get up in the morning. Of course I say the Modeh Ani right when I wake up. However, the actually getting out of bed is the difficult part. "I will awaken the morning; the morning will not awaken me." (p. 10) It talks about the importance of getting up immediately once awaking to show service to G-d. It actually used the word "alacrity," which means with zeal or eagerness. I think it is important to remind ourselves why we wake up in the morning and why we go throughout our day trying to make a difference in the world. If I transform my morning, will I transform the rest of my day? I guess, we shall see. |
| I am enjoying living in the community very much. I have been able to join multiple community events after work. I was in shul for Tisha B'Av, I attended an open house, and I attended my very first upsherin (3 year-old's first haircut). I have been able to just stop by and visit friends and go places with them (shopping, YES!). I have been finding my way around town, to different grocery stores, and to and from work. With having access to all of community events, I now am going to need to prioritize. I've missed a lot of Hebrew classes because of my work schedule and starting back at work and studying with a Rabbi two days a week. I still need to go back and finish my apartment up north and turn in my key. It seems like no matter how late I stay up, I have so much to do and missed so much at the same time. I'm not complaining. I'm not upset about having so much to do. As far as problems go, this is the best problem to have. It's one I never expected and certainly didn't anticipate having. The community is so close and I'm starting to understand some of the conversations that I have heard over the past year about missing out on certain events because of other obligations, work, or other events occurring at the same time. It's different actually being here. I love this community. I love my synagogue. I love all of the learning I'm going. I even met some of my students today (registration and schedules) and am enjoying where I work (even though it is a lot). I also love my apartment (condo). I love my neighbors. I know I'm going to get warn out and exhausted once I have students in my classroom full time, but I'm enjoying life at this very moment. Life is good, and I'm happy. Thank you, Hashem for every good moment. |
| On Sunday I had my first meeting with the Beit Din (Jewish Court). I was prepared to be in a room with 3 men (there were 4), but being prepared mentally doesn't always work. Just because I knew I was going to be in a room with a bunch of men, didn't mean that my body and brain would respond properly when I was actually sitting there. When I got to the room, they were in a closed meeting. How did I know they were in a closed meeting? I could hear them yelling through the door. I knew that when I walked into the meeting room, they would not be yelling at me. However, that knowing did not make my brain and body respond with ease anyway. I was shaking and constantly on the verge of tears the entire time. I couldn't say anything properly, and I know I missed a great opportunity. Even though I understand my reaction and worked to overcome the natural response of freezing, I didn't, and I'm sad. They told me to read the Shulchan Arukh. It is a five volume set of laws. I came home and bought the set. It was $152. It is already delivered and sitting on my living room floor. Since it is Tisha B'Av (in less than an hour) and you can't do anything that makes you happy on the day of mourning, I did not open the box. I will read them, and I will continue to do whatever they want me to do. Next time, I hope I am more my normal self. G-d is in control and everything happens for a reason. I leave the meeting on G-d's hands and keep studying and working towards my goal. I love you Hashem with all that I am. |
| After moving all my things, I started work this week. I left Thursday night to go back up north to finish cleaning up the apartment I moved from. I slept on a stained mattress on the living room floor (taking it to the dump the next day) using a stuffed dog as my pillow and no blanket. The place I am moving from were not very nice about me moving out. They are charging me the extra $65 a month for having cable even though I had it shut off. They also threatened to charge me an extra month's rent (including extra for the cat that is not there and the cable which is not turned on) after my lease ended (September 30th) just because they could. I shed a lot of tears, freaked out a bit, and then remembered (WHY DON'T I DO THIS FIRST!!) that I was not going through this process alone (Hashem is with me) and that everything will work out according to Hashem's plan. I finally stopped crying and said, "I trust you G-d. If they overcharge me, I know you will help me figure out how to pay it." One thing this conversion process has taught me is to trust Hashem fully. Everything I experience, every hardship I go through, every injustice, every blessing, everything is for the good. Once my emotions were back in check, I cleaned hard to get done before I had to come back home for Shabbat. It was Friday and my time was up. I was not finished with my cleaning. I had about two more hours worth of cleaning to do. I had to make a choice. Do I stay and finish so I don't have to drive another three hours each way and never come back again, or do I leave and make it home for Shabbat? I will be renting a hotel room next Thursday night so I don't have to drive a total of six hours in one day. I will then finish next Friday and turn in my key. I know that decisions to observe Shabbat and holidays are always going to be in my life from now on. I pray that I always make the right decision, just like I did this past Shabbat. Thank you G-d for supporting me, comforting me, providing for me, and guiding me through this entire process. I love you. |
| When I look back over the past couple of years, I remember the times that I asked G-d for this. I asked for truth. I asked to know the Torah. I asked the know to difference between a commandment, a law, and a statute. I told G-d, "I just want to worship you. Please help me do that right!" Now, here I am in a new city starting a new job this week and experiencing a lot of firsts that may seem small on a grander scale, but are huge to me. I went to Walmart for the first time and got lost looking for my car for the first time. I talked to strangers on the side of the road for the first time. I met new neighbors for the first time. I answered the question, "Where do you live?" with, "Right down the road" for the first time. All of these are small things but big things, and my firsts did not end there. I walked to shul yesterday from my apartment for the very first time. On my walk home (1), I saw a couple of little kids (probably 4 and 7) selling lemonade. I, of course, did not have any money on me (2). The little girl ran up to me and gave me a marker, led me over to her stand, and asked me to draw on the whiteboard (3). I so much wanted to for that adorable little girl, but did not. They offered to give me a glass of lemonade anyway (4), which was so sweet, but I did not accept. I am hoping they are there today so I can visit and buy some. I came home and ate the cholent that I had made which was my first Shabbos meal (5) in my new apartment. I took my first Shabbos nap in my new apartment. Then walked with a friend to Tehillim and back. I read my first couple of chapters in new apartment (6), And I said Havdalah (7) for the first time in my new apartment. 1. No driving on Shabbat - I broke this rule every week until I moved here. 2. No business on Shabbat - as a safeguard, most Jews do not even touch money on Shabbat. I broke this rule every week to buy kosher groceries at Meijer on my way home and to buy gas. 3. No creating on Shabbat - that means no drawing, writing, or anything that would be considered as creating 4. No appearance of evil - even though I did not buy anything, it could have looked like I did if I had accepted the lemonade. 5. Three meals on Shabbat - there are three meals that are supposed to be eaten on Shabbat. I have not been able to attend shul and eat a meal at home on the same day, until now. 6. Torah and Torah law should be studied on Shabbat - I never had time to do this on Shabbat because I was driving until the end of Shabbat or even after Shabbat ended on most Saturdays. When I was staying at someone's house, I could read there, but it wasn't home, ever. Until now. 7. Havdalah is the separation of the holy day of Shabbat and the mundane days of the week - this was hard for me because I always had to not only let go of Shabbat, but also let go of the community for another week. Until now. Every part of my body hurts from moving, and I still have so much work to do to get every part of this place in usable shape. I'm still attending my Hebrew classes with GZ, praying, listening to The Ark online classes, and trying to read as much as possible (articles and books) to keep my learning up. The application for the Beit Din seems so overwhelming at the moment. Am I pushing too fast and too hard? Or am I just scared? What do I say in the application? I feel like my life is me being asked to take a step of faith on an invisible bridge. I, however, am not Indiana Jones, and the cliff behind me is no longer in sight, and the cliff ahead of me is not in view yet. I am standing over a deep chasm alone and taking one step at a time, So, I am going to take the next step and pray to G-d, "Please, hold on to me and never let go." Thank you Hashem for all these firsts that I have experienced and will experience. |
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