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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| I enjoyed learning the laws of Chanukah this year. Not only with a friend studying the Shulchan Aruch, but also in the book that L got me last year. My friend and I will be starting studying the rules of Pesach. I'm not sure how much I can actually do. I will have a lot of questions for my Rabbi. Chanukah is over, but the messages of Chanukah are still displayed in my email, all over my Facebook page, and in my WhatsApp groups. I really enjoyed Chanukah. It was a very meaningful holiday. Fun, yes, but also full of love, light, and hope. I ended Chanukah studying Hallel with L and Hebrew with GZ. I sure hope it is always like this. Today I went to a class on the Parshah of the week. This week's Parsha is Vayigash. It is the part of the Bible where Joseph reveals himself to his brothers. His father Jacob comes to Egypt and the Jews prosper in Egypt. We didn't get through very much of the parshah, but the message was so good. I was able to hear two different messages on the parshah. One message was just on the meeting between Joseph and his brothers when he revealed himself to them. The second message was on the same theme that I have been hearing all week, on being broken and learning how to grow from being broken and use that brokenness to connect to Hashem. When I first starting studying with Chabad, I was amazed how in depth they went with the Bible. It wasn't surface level, which was all I was used to getting. It wasn't some off topic message that some pastor made up and tied it to a verse taken out of place. It is soul kindling study of the word of G-d. I feel so blessed every time I get to participate in any class and learn. It is a privilege to learn at this level. Every time I hear a story or lesson, it fills part of my soul that was empty. I am so thankful to Hashem for giving me this time of my life. I've been working on my kitchen a lot with keeping it kosher. I absolutely mess up and then study what I would do if I mess up like that after my kitchen is koshered. I'm thankful to have friends to talk me through it and know that I can ask the Rabbi when the time comes to help. There were things that I found I need to work on. It's amazing how many sets of kitchen gadgets are needed to keep the kitchen kosher. I never thought I would ever need more than one cheese grater, but that is not the case. I use it a lot for vegetables (making latkes). I need it to be parve for vegetables, but it is dairy when used for cheese (who doesn't like freshly grated cheese?). That means I need 2, one parve cheese grater and one dairy cheese grater. I now own two. Another thing I have needed to expand on is my kitchen hand towels. To keep from mixing meat and dairy, different towels are needed. They are easy enough to wash, but I found that this takes practice and a lot of thought. I have been doing things and realized that I didn't change towels for meat and had to grab a new towel, or vise versa. Since I usually only eat meat on the weekends (except this week with all my leftovers from Shabbat since my guests didn't show), it is easy to keep dairy towels out during the week and put a new towel out for the weekend. It hasn't been easy with eating leftovers. The latkes I made were considered meat because I warmed them up in the meat oven (a separate little air fryer pizza oven that I bought specifically for meat), but I don't eat meat the rest of the day. That meant that I needed meat towels for the morning (when I made the latkes with scrambled eggs and spinach), and dairy towels for the evening. It's not really a difficult thing, but it takes thought and planning. I'm going to be heading back to work soon, and I am so thankful that I had this rest. I really needed this time to focus on studying Torah, Hebrew, and spend my time connecting with The Creator. Thank you Hashem for this time. Over the past week, even through disappointments and heartbreak, I was able to rest and gain the strength needed to face the world outside of my apartment again. I know some of you have asked how the move went and how I am doing now in a new city. I still hate the city. There are too many cars and the sheer amount of people is still overwhelming. However, I can get to work, to the grocery store, to the pharmacy, to shul, and to friends houses without GPS. I hate driving even there aren't cars on the road, so all the cars and the people do little for helping with that issue. I've done okay financially. I do get paid more here, so that helps. I have paid my rent and bills every month and still have not gone hungry. That was my hope when I moved here, and I have been able to achieve that. I have made more friends since I have been. Work is okay, stressful but it okay and pays the bills. I like that I make a difference, even if it is a small one. I like my apartment a lot. I love the closet space and the sheer size of my bedroom. I got a second (okay third) bookcase and assembled it over the holiday. I now am excited to get a few more books. I have wonderful neighbors. The lady who lives upstairs is from Poland. She is the sweetest person I have ever met and so good to everyone in the building. I am doing well here. My Jewish followers, please join me this Shabbat in lighting candles. I know not all of you are observant (your words, not mine), but the world could use your light this Shabbat. I could use your light this Shabbat. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and a wonderful Shabbat. |
| Tonight I kindled the Chanukah lights for the last time this year. As they burned, I reflected over the past eight days. In the midst of all the fun of playing with the dreidel, watching the giant menorahs be lit, watching the magician and the Chicago Boyz Acrobatic Team, all of the soup, the latkes, the doughnuts, the friends, and the laughter, G-d has challenged me to grow in ways I didn't expect. I keep being brought back to the story of the stone tables. G-d created stone tables and wrote the ten commandments on them. He gave them to Moses to give to the people. When Moses went down the mountain to the people, he became angered and broke the stone tablets. He then went back up the mountain, pleaded with G-d for forgiveness for all the Jewish people, created a new set of stone tables and G-d carved the words on them again. Why do I keep coming back to this story over and over again? When the candles are burning, there is a light in your soul that grows brighter. The is an ever so gentle tug on the soul that calls for growth and personally and spiritually (or in my case, a smack on the head and a voice saying, "Hay, listen up. I'm talking to you."). Each night I lit the candles, I asked G-d what he wanted me to learn. What was my message for Chanukah? I felt the tug on my conscience to pray more mindful. I haven't been praying like I should, I know. Not just my morning prayers, the Shema, the Amidah, and the bedtime prayer, but my personal prayers and conversations with my creator. After a few days of rest, it time to reconnect. Not only was I needing to talk, but I was also needing to listen. On day 4 of Chanukah, I sat at the kitchen table alone trying desperately not to cry and hold onto some form of joy. I had faced multiple days of disappointment and was heartbroken. I watched my day 4 candle burn bright and beautiful, but as my tears fell, the flame jumped down the candle wick and quickly the candle burned down to half the size of the rest. Day 5, a similar thing happened with the day 4 candle. Day 6 and day 7 the same candle burned differently. I relived my disappointment and feelings of self-doubt and a low sense of self-worth. My conversations with G-d increased and I opened myself up to listen. Listening brought me back to the broken stone tablets. Growing up, I pictured those broken stone tables in pieces on the mountainside left where they had fallen. They were broken and worthless and soon replaced. It was only during this conversion journey that I learned something different. The broken pieces of the tablets were placed in the ark along with the second set of intact tablets. Why were the broken tablets kept? Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Kotzk said, "There is nothing more complete than a broken heart." It is in our brokenness that we must spend time to grow, to learn, and to heal. We are not given only one heart. Our heart does not heal and become whole again. We take our broken pieces, we learn from them, and we put them together with our new whole completed heart. Only with our broken pieces echoing the lessons we learned in our brokenness can our whole heart stay intact, grow, and truly love ourselves, G-d, and others. Each day that something happened to the day 4 candle, or even another candle, I heard my heart whisper truth after truth. It's still burning brightly. It might be different, but it still has worth. It might look different, but it's still burning bright. It's beautiful. My friends words from days before echoed through my mind, "You're an amazing person. Someday, we will get you to believe it too." Each day I listened. "Do you trust me?" Yes, G-d. I trust you. "Do you believe that I want good for you?" Yes, G-d. I believe you will always do what is best for me. "Do you believe you are good enough?" I don't know, but I know this is where I belong and where you want me. As the days passed, I could feel G-d close by as we talked. Day 8 I lit the candles so thankful to have had this time of fun, experiences, and personal growth. I spent a lot of time this day just being thankful. As day 4 candle acted up again, I smiled. Then I heard a voice. "Before I can give you what you asked, you have to be ready to accept them. Are you ready to accept them?" The candles have gone out and I am cleaning my menorah to put away. I look at my vision board that outlines everything that I am praying for for the next year. Some of the things on there, yes, I am ready for. All of them, no. I'm not ready yet, but I am in the right place at the right time. Soon. Very soon. I will be ready.  |
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