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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| It's been days since I went to dinner at a community member's house for the start of Shabbat. However, after a lovely evening and great food, I messed up. No one knows it except me. It is all that I can think about. The guilt is overwhelming. Why do I feel so guilty about this? It was late when we finished dinner. I was extremely tired as was everyone else there. Kids were passed out in various rooms of the house. I didn't know the people very well, and I could tell they were ready to go to bed or to the next community even (at 11pm!). They had benchers (prayer books for after dinner) on the table. I grabbed one along with everyone else. The only problem is that it was all in Hebrew. I can read Hebrew, yes, but slowly. It felt as though everyone was staring at me and wanted me to hurry and finish. There was no way that I could have finished doing the Grace After Meals prayer in such a short time. I skimmed some sections. I thought about what it was saying, because I knew what it was supposed to be saying, but I didn't do it all. I sometimes get busy doing things after I eat and run out of time to do the Grace After Meals, but I can't remember the last Shabbat that I didn't pray the Grace After Meals properly. I can't eat without thinking about it. I can't pray without thinking about it. I know that I am not going to feel better until after I do it properly this Shabbat. Why do I still feel guilty about it? Maybe because Shabbat is such a holy day and means so much. Maybe because I know I should have done better. Whatever the reason, I hope I never do it again, because this feeling stinks. |
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