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 |  New neuro-pathways after a brain tumor. My thoughts and experiences. |
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When someone wants to know how I am doing? My reply is, “Seven Degrees Left of Center”. Following a severe seizure, an MRI revealed a tumor the size of a lime in my brain. September 2019 is when this occurred. Situated one inch left and seven degrees from the center of my brain, the tumor touched the hippocampus. The part of the brain that handles language and memory. Each day feels brand new; my recollection of the previous day is minimal. I’m learning to adapt. |
| As a teenager, I started writing Syfy but didn't finish it. Then, real life started. Things happened, getting in the way of daily writing practices. The next I knew, but didn't, that writing had ended up by the wayside. Now I have the time to write, but I miss the practice. It is like going to school again. The stories are there but mottled together. The brain injury doesn't help, but it does make me more persistent. So, if you are struggling to get the words out of your head, know you are not alone. Just keep writing! |
| This week has been all about crap. Writing isn't perfect on the first pass. Some people can self-edit in their heads while typing at the same time. Then there are others, like me, that write crap for hours and then spend days going through the editing process. Here is a thumbs up  to the crap writers that stay the course. Write on! |
| The next greatest gift to independent thought is writing those thoughts down. The hardest thing about writing thoughts down is not watching the errors grow on screen, at least in my experience. I get caught up in the errors, and I lose my thoughts because a misspelled word trips the process. I can't help but look at the screen as the letters appear. Then, my brain can't move past the errors to the end. I am forcing myself not to look at the screen to get these thoughts out of my brain and onto the screen before editing. Oops, I looked! Crap, now I lost my thoughts and have to fix errors. I'll be right back ... I may need to use an older text editor that doesn't catch mistakes. How about copying and pasting for corrections? Do you have any suggestions? |
| There are some days I am terrified of writing, including this blog, though the end result is okay, I guess. In the past five years, I have relearned reading, writing, and arithmetic, along with many other things. However, I still haven't learned how to cook. Maybe that will be the next breakthrough. Back to the topic -- being afraid to write. To write is to expose oneself, and that is scary. Even if you do not share what you are writing with others, you are sharing thoughts, dreams, and maybe nightmares with yourself. I say sure. I am scared  , and I have been scared for the past few years. Yet, the fear is starting to pass. The keyboard and my fingers are becoming friends again. Most importantly, I am writing, even if it is just for me. |
| I have developed an exercise asking my brain, "What are you going to do for me today?" Each day has its own challenges based on the previous day's activities. I cannot write every day. Some days, my brain just cannot make the connections needed to complete a sentence. I know that sounds weird. I even find it weird. As the gears grind and turn, my brain replies, "Move forward, ever forward." With that, I am writing this short note to warm up my keyboard figures and proceed with today's writing activities. |
| I have a problem with living in the past. What happens is I have grown attached to the memories I do have? But that creates a problem. I find myself spending too much time on nostalgia. I can remember the event from high school as if it just happened. Then, I have a harder time letting it go. Intellectually, I know it is history. Emotionally, it is fresh. I am still working on resolving the trauma from everything. The brain tumor, the heart attacks, and the recovery I am still experiencing. I find I forget to focus on the present. Being here right now is more important than the past anyway. We cannot change the past, so why do I get stuck there? So moving forward, I want, I dearly say need, to stay more present. I think it will do us all good to be more present. |
| Today, I want to share a funny story. A few weeks after the surgery, my wife took me out for dinner. In many ways, my brain was still traumatized. But I was ready and willing to get out of the house. The restaurant makes my favorite sandwich with tater tots, so I ordered the "Variety Sandwich with Tootsie Rolls." I was proud of myself—until I noticed the waitress looking at me confused. My wife snickered and asked, "Tootsie Rolls?" "No," I said, "The Variety Sandwich with Tootsie Rolls." The waitress, "I'm sorry, we don't have Tootsie Rolls," started to snicker with my wife. This went on for a couple of minutes before I connected the dots. I was thinking of tater tots, but the words Tootsie Rolls came out. I could not say "tater tots" every time I tried "Tootsie Rolls," is what I said. So, in the end, I got french fries. I could say, "french fries." I hope this made you grin or chuckle.  Have a blessed day. |
| Chronic short-term memory loss has a negative impact on those I love. The most devastating period is between 1990 and 2019. I equate it to a bad memory chip on a computer. Not everything is lost. Yet, enough is to make life difficult. During this time, my children graduated from high school and started their families. There are pictures I do not recognize and letters I cherish to reread. I sure wish I had kept a blog or journal back then. Today, I don't write daily, but I do try to write after events I know I want to remember. This blog has helped me get some things off my chest. It's a surprise that anyone finds it interesting. Thank you to those who read and those who offer encouragement. I see you. |
| I struggle with making time. I find it much easier to waste time. Today is one of those days. It is 3:30 p.m., and nothing has been accomplished. This is a sign of my depression. Knowing it exists is one thing. Writing about it is very hard. Yet, writing about depression is getting something done. Isn't that a win? I never knew about depression before the brain tumor. I may have had some level of depression. I don't remember being depressed. But there are several things I don't know. One thing I learned is it is okay to say I am depressed. Most importantly, it is okay, I am getting help to deal with it. And it is okay to make time to talk about it. |
One of the fascinating things about memory loss is getting to do do-overs involving movies, TV shows, and music. I sometimes recognize the titles but do not remember the art. I have gotten to see movies like 'Back to the Future' and 'The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly' again for the first time. The same goes for music. I have even enjoyed reading more because everything is a new adventure. Not everything about memory loss is terrible. While it is still frustrating, it can also be fun to experience things again for the first time. |
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Are you taking fish oil? It’s supposed to help the brain.
), I also have a brain injury, so I had completely forgotten about your blog. 
I'm SUPER glad you tagged me or I might never have read another post again. 
So, definitely use that thing that asks if you want to announce that you added a blog post. It will prompt me to read it. 
The words might not come as easily, but the talent is still there. 
That's amazing! I'm so happy for you because I'm sure that initial result was devastating! 
